It has been quite some time since I have added an entry to my blog. My last entry was July and a great deal has happened since then. Most importantly my depression is firmly and soundly under full control.

As many of you know I began a course of treatment with ECT, Electro Convulsive Therapy.
Since July I have had one treatment every four weeks. The treatments have all been fairly routine, except for one treatment in October, more about that later.

My treating physician believes that one more treatment in November should be just enough for us to take a break and see how well my depression can be managed. I'm very confident that the depression will stay at bay, as I approach each new session my mood has been stable. Maintaining my mood is a very good sign as it seems to mean that the ECT is having a lasting impression on my overall mood.

As a very good friend has said, I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting. Most importantly I'm physically active many times per week. I have a great friend that I hike and bike with. She has been great for helping me establish my new regiment of physical exercise. Not to mention she is incredibly fun to be around.

Exercise and getting out in the sunshine are vital ingredients to my successful treatment. Maintaining a physical exercise program is key to helping our bodies maintain their feel good emotions. I find times during the week to hike various trails I pass and am also often able to break my bike out for a few rides.

I have also made some considerable diet changes. I have cut back on my fast food intake and have started cooking more meals for myself at home. This is a challenge when you live alone, as cooking a meal is often times more food than one person needs, but it allows me to include more fresh fruit and vegetables which are vital in helping maintain a stable mood. Fast food is not the greatest for controlling weight gain or staying healthy.

So, overall my mood has maintained, my exercise program has been stable, my friends have been helpful and I'm very optimistic for a bright and wonderful future. Each day life improves just a little bit, but it is positive forward progress which is great. I look forward to many bright days ahead!

Drama Free Zone

Why is it that some people just thrive on drama? Living a life in recovery from depression can be dramatic enough as it is. I look for ways to bring calmness and stability to my life, not strive to turn it upside down.

I am fortunate to have numerous friends who have been tremendously supportive of my journey as I strive to recover from depression. It has been a bumpy road, spiritually, financially and socially. The journey has been filled with stellar friendships and unfortunately a few duds.

I have no place for over dramatic people in my life. I need stable people, emotionally and spiritually to help me get myself in a better place. Recovery is hard work without the downward pull of a drama infused life. That downward pull of drama can be utterly destructive.

I take this time to thank all of those supportive people in my life who have made the difference between life and death. You all know who you are and how much you have done for me. Without your presence, guidance and support I would be lost and most likely gone from this world.

I also take this time to send a message to all of the drama seekers out there. Please move on to someone who enjoys the games and manipulation. I don't have the energy or the time to engage in the dramatic gameplay.

Healthy Nutrition

I have been doing a great deal of reading on the internet regarding proper nutrition for the depressed person. It is an area that I need to improve upon, primarily due to my rigorous work schedule of being on the road a great deal. I am prone to eating quick and easily purchased meals that are a direct opposite of the recommended diet for those of us fighting depression.

I find that due to conveinence I am eating a great deal of processed and sugary foods. While the simple carbohydrate foods provide a quick and positive mood boost they also come with a rather quick crash. This short term cure is really one to be avoided. Avoided due to the rapid cycling that occurrs with this form of diet.

A better solution is to search out complex carbohydrates. These complex carbohydrates, things like whole grains, leafy greens, pasta, cereals and fruits, provide a moderate mood boost but one that is long term and more stable without the rapid cycling.

I have incorporated more complex foods that I love but have often overlooked. Foods like bananas, avocados, chicken and cereals. In an effort to eat healthy while on the road I have begun to search out Subways and chain restaurants where I can order a salad. Also, another great nutrition tip for those struggling with depression is to ensure you consume enough water during the day. Remaining hydrated will help to keep your mood regulated just as much as eating the correct foods.

A few things to also consider is to limit certain food groups. Avoiding sugary and processed foods, caffeine and alcohol will keep those rapid cycling moods at bay. Avoiding these foods will also help your body to feel more refreshed and ensure a positive restorative sleeping pattern. The foods that produce rapid mood cycling tend to cause more disruptions to a healthy sleep.

So, eat healthy, drink healthy and sleep more completely. This will no doubt help with a stable positive mood and a reduction in cycles of depression. What we put into our body has a direct relation to what we get out of it! Here is to good nutrition, eat smart and stay happy!

The Path Less Traveled

The path less traveled is the perfect cure to the emotional trend of depression. While all of the medication management is helpful, the ECT is working wonders and socializing with friends is boosting my spirits, sometimes it is just not enough.

I have found that a good round of golf can really help, but a nice prolonged hike down an unfamiliar path is just the thing to help fight the blues. Physical exercise is just the ticket to get the blood pumping and those happy endorphins flowing.

Acadia National Park is one of the best destinations as there are so many unknown trails to explore. It is great finding that new and exciting path. The paths less traveled have a way of keeping your mind focused on the surroundings and the journey and off all of those mundane problems that nag at us in our sedentary moments.

Keeping focused on where we step, place our feet and just follow the correct course can be very invigorating. It can also be very freeing and liberating. I get to leave all of the crap behind and really engage with my surroundings. I am able to delve into the beauty of the stones, trees and sky. I am lucky enough to be able to breathe it all in and come away refreshed and invigorated. So, get out there and find a path less traveled...you will not regret the adventure!

Masks

Masks. One of my great struggles with close friends has been being honest about my depression. Even at my worst and lowest moments, even as I neared acting on my suicidal plan, I behaved normally. My depression was deeply hidden for the most part.

After my six weeks of hospitalization many friends revealed how in the dark they truly were about my depressed state. I had managed to hide my struggles with depression from even those closest to me. They knew I was struggling with a depressed mood, they just didn't know how badly I was falling.

This ability to hide my depression is one of my greatest weaknesses. This inability to seek help and counsel nearly cost me my life. I don't know if this condition stems from the deep sense of shame, personal failure or social stigma. I have been wrestling with this question since entering the hospital for this last recovery.

I think it all evolves from my upbringing. I was raised in a family that forged ahead even through the darkest struggles. You dusted yourself off and plowed headlong into the challenges presented to you. It was vital to place a bright and shiny image on all facets of family life.

Now in my adulthood I need to overcome this condition. I need to find some way of confiding in those close to me, even to my therapist, how my depression is effecting me on a daily basis. I need to be honest and open about my struggles with this mental condition and overlook the social stigma that accompanies it. I need to do this in order to remain alive, content and out of hospital.

I can't afford these stumbles that lead to prolonged hospitalization and lost income. I also need to get this condition in check if I am ever to have a happy and healthy relationship again. There are so many things I want to do with my life now. There are so many places I want to return to to visit. I want to snorkel in Bonaire. I want to own a Harley Davidson. I want to own a dog. The list is endless.

I am hopeful this last trip through the recovery process has placed me on a healthy course towards a full recovery. Each day as I move forward I am feeling abit brighter and more hopeful. Even though I am faced with a number of personal challenges, I feel great and wonderful things await me to experience again.

Hopefulness

It is amazing how hopefulness has come storming back with a fury. I had been as deeply depressed as I have ever experienced. Suicidal does not even begin to express how low I had fallen. Nothing was pulling me out, exercise, medications and even talk therapy were not helping. Then came ECT.

With ECT I have come full circle and am again flying high and full of hope and confidence. Even though I have worries about my life, finances, relationships and friendships, I'm flying high and hopeful. I am able to keep everything in perspective. Stressful events don't bring me crashing down into a flaming heap. Life just doesn't bug me or tear me apart like it once did.

I have the deepest urge to keep on living and experiencing things in life around me. I don't want to quit out. There are a litany of things I want to do before I end my time here and I don't want my time to end anytime soon. I feel a new zest for living, a new hunger for participating. It feels really good.

Many things other than ECT have contributed to my new found state of being. For one thing I have reduced my alcohol consumption to two drinks a weekend and none during the weekdays. I am also watching my diet much closer and not over eating to excess. Along with those changes my medications are now tweaked to provide me with better support. The new regiment really seems to be helping to keep my mood up.

All in all I feel like a new person who has just made a great discovery. I want to live! There is allot that I can be sad about, but I choose to look to the brighter skies and be hopeful. Life is getting better and my hopeful happy days are swiftly returning. Here's to brighter days for all!

Grief

Slightly over one year ago my partner broke up with me. We were together for over five years and had a wonderful relationship. Depression creeped in however and spoiled me. I became a different person. A person she no longer wanted to live with. It was devastating.

I write about that separation now here over one year later because that break up is still effecting my recovery from depression. As I endure the ECT treatments that are correcting my depression, the sadness from the split still envelopes me on a daily basis.

I write these words in hopes that those of you out there struggling with grief will learn that there is no correct timeline for recovery. Obviously, we all want to return to a positive state of emotional health. We must learn, however, that the grief process takes time.

I have not dated since the split as I have not had the emotional energy for that activity yet. I still have a great deal of emotion that is tied to that broken relationship that I have yet to heal from. I know that one day soon I will be ready, I just don't know when.

It is important for us, as we recover from depression, to distinguish between deep depression and unresolved grieving. In our hurry to extinguish the heavy sadness that comes with depression we don't want to eclipse the necessary pain of the grieving process. It is difficult to pinpoint that fine line, but I think when each of us holds up the sadness to a full examination we can tell which is grief and which is sadness. I believe we know what the necessary pain of grieving feels like, before and after our expression of it.

When we deal with the pain of grieving sadness we often feel better afterwards. We feel lighter, brighter as if the world is a clearer place for us. We have with depression no such resolution or brightness. Depression is a trap of darkness that we need to avoid. So, my friends, dig into those unresolved grief issues of sadness and begin to unlock brighter, more resolved and happier days!