Optimism

If ignorance breeds fear, then knowledge gives way to optimism. Optimism is my new buzz word, along with some of my favorites; hope, positive thinking, meditation and recovery.

Although my blog has had some pretty dark posts, and will again I'm certain, I am an optimistic person by nature. I genuinely want to get better and leave behind the heaviness, pessimism and hopelessness of depression.

Suffering with depression only to be met repeatedly with medications that don't relieve my symptoms has been frustrating to say the least. Now, with the prospect of a new diagnosis, recovery may actually be closer at hand.

Granted I need to come to terms with a seemingly more profound mental health issue, but if it means the daily pain, heartache and agony will be relieved then I must find a way to do so. I am most worried about the social stigma attached to mental illness. Depression is a struggle that more people can understand and sympathize with. Bipolar Disorder, in all it's variations, is less socially understood and I believe met with a higher degree of caution and worry.

So, to follow my opening motto, maybe I need to become involved in a support group that helps foster a better understanding of Bipolar Disorder in the community. Knowledge gives way to optimism!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Bipolar II

So it does appear that bipolar II mixed state will be the correct diagnosis for my condition. Typical bipolar involves manic episodes that I don't experience. Rather, my mania or manic episodes involve agitation and irritability.

This explains a great deal for me in regards to my own feelings during my decline into hospitalization. My level of day to day agitation was growing at alarming rates. Mixed with my deep and dark depressed state I also experienced pronounced periods of high energy mixed with agitation and irritability.

My next step will be to formally address this with my primary medication manager. It would appear that a change is in order. My current medication regiment has not been as effective over the past few weeks. Possibly a change will be needed to move from my current course into one that can better manage my depressed agony while also taming some of my agitation and irritability.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Pain

I believe it is time to address the possibility head on that my condition is not depression alone. Mixed State Bipolar may well be the issue plaguing me. It feels as if my antidepressant has withered in it's effectiveness.

I feel like going to sleep earlier and rising later. It is growing hard to get out of my own miserable way. My confidence is tested, my irritability is increasing and my energy level is flat and lethargic.

Thoughts of escape and suicide visit me more often during the day. My dark mood persists for longer periods of the day, especially as I head off to bed and rise in the morning. I just can't seem to find relief.

Even my social interactions feel fake, forced and require a great deal of energy. I feel like I'm going through the motions in a joyless vacuum. My head, heart and body feel heavy and sad throughout the day.

I don't want to be rehospitalized, but if that is going to be the answer to getting me on a stable progressive track then I'm all for it. I know at the least it may require a significant change in my medication. I feel like I'm a yoyo, up one day and then down the next. I need to feel stable and more in control of my desperate mood and state of mind.

June 27th

Sunshine. Sunshine is a vital ingredient to aiding my battle with depression. Along with my daily meditations, exercise is a key component to my recovery. Nothing lifts my mood quite like sunshine.

Whether it is my daily walk in the city forest, chipping a few golf balls at the local school near where I have been staying or my daily drives to see clients, sunshine is a great mood elevator.

I can really feel a difference on days where there are grey skies or rainy drizzle. Especially if there are a number of darker days linked together. The grey skies directly somber my mood, bringing me face to face with the heavy cruelness that is depression.

Rainy or grey days present a challenge, what to do with the pending down time and idle mind. Typically I attempt to fill my schedule with activities. Of course on a rainy day the opportunities are limited.

Grey days aren't as difficult. Primarily because I can still get out and walk, golf or bike. While not as fun as when it is sunny, the exercise component can still be met. Not to mention my social need to meet with friends for a game of nine holes or simply to hang out and have some conversation and a few laughs.

Here is wishing you all a bright sunny day!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Transitions

One guarantee in living with depression is that you will encounter numerous transitions in your life. Since being diagnosed with depression and being hospitalized in April I have had a number of transitions.

Hospitalization for one. Fourteen days of being hospitalized in a mental health facility will have you facing many new hurdles. I managed to keep my job, was introduced to a whole new vocabulary and was faced with having to make life changes to help my recovery with depression.

Once outside of the hospital I had to deal with a number of personal transitions. The loss of my relationship with my partner, a strained relationship with my teenage children, the loss of my home and my dogs. I have also been faced with transitioning into a life of mental illness. Another transition has been facing work with depression, as my depression is still not under control I am faced with extremely tough days.

For me they are all extremely difficult to cope with. Especially as of recently having my diagnosis expanded or changed. Mixed State Bipolar is another transition for me to wade through and cope with. I'm still coming to terms with that one. Nothing has been finalized yet, but it is beginning to add up and make a great deal of sense to me.

I'm sure over the next few weeks there will be many more transitions. I'm confident that I have the right supports in place, both professionally and personally, so I know things will work out.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Knowledge

Ledge Falls by Matt May 2011

Ignorance can truly bring rise to fear. Often I don't even know what I am fearful of, I just feel the fear swelling up inside me. The possible diagnosis of mixed state bipolar has had me afraid.

I have begun doing some reading and I can honestly say that I feel the fears subsiding a bit. I'm not entirely without fears, mixed state bipolar is by all accounts very difficult to treat.

I have read that sufferers of this disorder have a very tough time finding relief and gaining momentum in their recovery. While this worries me for my own sanity and peace of mind, I'm working to understand this disorder and quell the fears rising.

There are a number of descriptions that truly do match my own predicament. I do suffer from a deep and dark depression that is laced with agitation and anxiety. I have periods where I am able to get a lot done and seem to have an abundance of energy, while they are laced with periods of heavy lethargy.

There may be cause to explore this further. I have tried over half a dozen antidepressants with no luck. My current, Lexapro, seemed to give me a bounce but it has whimped out for me. I have more periods of deep depression each day as time has passed. I'm currently at the tenth week of being on my current maximum dose, so maybe mixed state bipolar it is.

I will continue to keep you all posted.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Mixed State

During my hospitalization this past April, I was diagnosed as suffering from a major depressive disorder. After weeks of taking antidepressant medication my health care provider is suggesting something new.

Mixed State Bipolar. As I have gone months trying varying antidepressants with no sign of any improvement, I may well be suffering from a mixed state bipolar illness. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

There is a part of me that has grown to accept the depression as my major foe. I have accepted the diagnosis and begun trying to fight my way back to health. I can even speak of being a person suffering with depression without a feeling of being stigmatized.

But, mixed state bipolar disorder feels like a serious mental illness. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am ill. I feel it every moment of each day to my core. But the possibility of being bipolar feels even worse than just being depressed. I know it is the stigma attached to a serious mental illness I am wrestling with here.

I can also say that the possibility of a mixed state bipolar diagnosis has me scared. I know and understand depression now. Bipolar is a complete mystery to me and it seems to the professional community at hand as well.

The one thing I read with great commonality is that mixed state bipolar is one of the hardest mental illnesses to treat and diagnose. It also carries with it the greatest risk of death by suicide, which probably explains my relative obsession with suicide.

I know that the antidepressants don't appear to be holding strong. I peaked slightly but am back to feeling low most of the time. I have had a few positive up days, but the majority of my days and nights are filled with agonizing pain and darkness.

If the diagnosis of mixed state bipolar is correct and the medication regiment that goes with it helps me, I shouldn't care about the label. I shouldn't but I do. I do care what I am suffering with is called. I care because the words are part of who I am, they structure my identity. They don't define me but the contribute to my definition of who I feel I am. That is a hurdle I need to clear and clear quickly.

I realize that I am in the battle of my life. Each day is another step towards living or dying. The sooner I come to accept that I am ill, and the label I am given doesn't truly matter, the better off I will be. Ignorance breeds fear. So, I am now going to learn as much as I can about mixed state bipolar disorder.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Trust

The Blades by Matt May 2011

Trust. Trust is the foundation of every good relationship. When you are fighting depression it is very difficult to even trust yourself.

Every moment is filled with indecision, anxiety and self doubt. It is difficult to understand what is happening even to ourselves in the midst of the storm of depression. We can't begin to be honest with ourselves, let alone those closets to us in our lives.

This of course leads to our loved ones feeling betrayed and maybe even lied to. At the core this is the farthest thing from the truth. The pain and disorientation of depression is indeed crippling. We don't lie, but rather we fail to see the truth before us. We fail to recognize the pain we are in and are causing to those around us until it is to late.

We fail to trust ourselves. Without the trust in ourselves we fail to trust those around us for fear of being refused, rejected and discarded. Hopefully those who really love us will be able to stick with us and accept our illness as we fight to regain our true selves. This is not always the case.

A Good Day Living With Depression

Lupine by Matt June 2011

Yesterday was pure junk and today was extremely good. Funny. One day down and another completely in the opposite direction. Hard to say exactly why.

I had energy today, both physical and mental. Most importantly was the mental energy to quote, speak with customers, enjoy the simple things. Coffee tasted great, my drives were very pleasant, I walked for an hour in the afternoon, I even chipped some golf balls for awhile.

No changes in diet, medication, activity, sleep or meditation. I followed my routine pre-bedtime meditation. Upon waking I went with my normal morning routine meditation. I will attempt to re-engage the intruder with tonights meditation.

I just had emotional strength to engage and be present. It felt very good. Refreshing. I can't wait for tomorrow!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

A Tough Day With Depression

A tough day with depression is pretty close to unbearable. Everything aches, body, head and heart. Nothing feels right, looks right, tastes right. Depression is a major funk.

The day was sunny and bright, but for me it was dark and cloudy. No defense worked today, it was pure suffering. I tried some visualizations with my morning meditation with no success. My first attempts at laying down a protected perimeter from depression failed. Back to the drawing board. I will try again tonight.

I let depression in today. I let it in and it won by ruining my day. I allowed him entry to kick about myself, tear me down, chew me up. Today was a very weak day for me.

I need to find ways to be stronger. I need to find ways to not let my past define my future with depression. I need to kick him out once and for all. I can't continue having days that ache like this.

I will attempt to end the day on a positive note, tomorrow will be better!

The Intruder

In other posts I have referred to depression as the entity. A force that lies within that I try on a daily basis to live with. Some days are good and some days are bad.

A friend has suggested I think of my depression as an intruder. This makes sense because my line of work is designing security systems. On a daily basis I try and keep the bad guys out.

I understand how to keep a physical intruder out. This is relatively easy for me. Now I don't want to give all of my secrets aways, so suffice to say that it is imperative to have strong perimeter protections. While the perimeter is important it is also vital to pay attention to the core. You must pay attention to the central areas where an intruder may sneak in, from above or below.

The physical intruder is easy, the emotional intruder however is not. I feel right now I am the weakest I have ever been. My mind, my body and my voice all feel weak. I don't feel like I have the strength to put up a defense from depression, I feel it is almost easier to try and live with it. But I will work to secure my emotional perimeter from depression.

I will begin by incorporating some added visual imagery to my daily meditations. I will give my intruder a voice and a name in order to secure him outside of my safe zone. I will attempt to banish depression to the outskirts of who I am as a person. I will refuse to let him in. I will secure my perimeter. I will undoubtedly keep you all informed of my progress.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

The Source

Slider Falls by Matt June 2011

I think almost everyone I have read that struggles with depression wonders where it originated from. There are a number of factors that Doctors feel contribute to depression's development in people of all ages. Such as an emotionally troubled childhood, substance abuse, genetic contributing factors and brain injury.

I believe mine developed as a result of a traumatic brain injury suffered in December of 1990. I had never suffered from any depressive symptoms prior to this injury. Also, the illnesses onset was sudden and swift as if something shifted suddenly in my body's chemistry.

The initial depression in 1990 was very mild and short lived. It wasn't until years later that the truly deep agonizing depression kicked in. It slid in casually but took hold tenaciously. My life was extremely fulfilling. I had the greatest partner, a good job and a nice home. Everything should have been right, but the pain I was feeling everyday didn't make any sense.

I couldn't identify for myself what was wrong. I couldn't articulate it to my partner or friends. All I knew was that I felt miserable and by the time I realized it was depression it was to late. By the time I started an outpatient regiment of medication I was pretty far gone. I missed the early signs that by listing below may help others.

Hindsight is twenty twenty. I was tired much of the time. My sleep began to be interrupted by unusual dreams that became consistent disruptions. I was easily irritated and my decision making ability was mildly confused and indecisive. I also began to want to isolate and miss out on social events. I began having difficulty calling clients back. The worst was that I began feeling worthless. Worthless to the core, like no one would want to be with me, touch me, or listen to me.

All of these symptoms started slowly, but built rapidly to the point that I required fourteen days of hospitalization and fourteen days of outpatient therapy. I would encourage people to take the early signs of depression very seriously. I believe no matter the cause, early intervention will save a life.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Looking For Beauty

The Fall by Matt June 2011

Being in the midsts of fighting depression can leave one with tunnel vision. It is hard at times to see past the pain, loneliness and anxiety to the beauty that rests often times right at our doorstep.

As I begin to use my camera as I recover from this illness, it forces me to lay to rest to my worries even for just a little while. The camera has me beginning to look at my surroundings in a very different way. A very promising and hopeful way.

Simple items that I used to take for granted I now see abit clearer. My focus has changed to the outward and my painful inward examinations can be put on hold. It is very refreshing.

Water has a tremendous draw for me. I believe in part it is due to my current readings about mindfulness. Water, such as flowing streams or tranquil ponds have deep meaning in the world of meditation. The tranquil ponds are what we strive for our minds to encounter, the stillness of peace. The flowing rivers are used by me to allow my thoughts to drift past without my trying to arrest or encumber them.

As I continue to blog about my recovery and progress with depression I plan to use more original photos. I would like to reach a point where I only use my own creations. The creative process for me, including this blog, is extremely important to my recovery.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Friday June 17th

Non-doing. Jon Kabat-Zinn writes a great deal about the praise of non-doing. "It is very important not to think that this non-doing is synonymous with doing nothing. They couldn't be more different. Consciousness and intention matter here. In fact, they are key."

For me this is the most difficult aspect of my meditation practice. I work to remain present and stay in touch with my breathing. I try to allow thoughts to drift by but I always want to do something with them.

I want to engage in my thoughts, solve a problem, work out some solution, or simply reorganize the thoughts as they drift by. I'm like a border collie. I can't seem to slow down enough to just allow things to be. I try and line them up. I try and wrangle them together. I label them and appoint characteristics to them, this one can roam abit, that one needs immediate attention, that one needs a nip to regain some control.

This non-doing business feels like serious doing! I know deep down that it shouldn't. I also know that I have been there a few times, content to allow things to simply be. As I practice I realize that my progress isn't a straight line, rather it is a twisty mountain road. I am ascending, I can feel that. I know because my days are calmer, my nights are full of peaceful sleep. So the practice has delivered for me what I had hoped for, some moments of peace and clarity amidst the raging storm of depression.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Hope

Living with depression is a never ending see saw. Some days feel utterly hopeless while others feel entirely hopeful! Today was an entirely hopeful day.

I had an especially good day at work, followed by a great evening with friends playing golf. There really wasn't anything especially good that stood out for me, rather it was a day of feeling miraculously normal!

I didn't contemplate suicide once during the day. I also didn't feel ill at anytime during the course of my day. Instead I felt really mundanely normal. Actually almost boring. No suicide, no depression, no abnormal feelings. Refreshing!

I felt like I could get used to being just a regular person. A regular person who just wanted to live a normal life. A normal life free from drama. A life lived like an normal everyday working stiff. A life lived free from depression and mental illness. A guy could get used to that.

The brightest event for me came as the day was drawing to an end. I felt excited about tomorrow. A tomorrow for no good reason other than it was another day full of possibilities. Another day full of potential goodness and good things. A day full of hope. Till tomorrow.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Loneliness

Loneliness and depression  really seem to go hand in hand. I have written before about the circle of depression fracturing self esteem. It begins with the perceived need to isolate. Then comes the heavy loneliness followed by the horrible feelings of worthlessness. Lastly come the rebounding need for isolation. It is truly a dreadful cycle.

I try to break it by being out and trying to socialize. It doesn't always work. Sometimes I get a little lift in my spirits. I may run into a friend and the surprise encounter fills my sails. We may chat a bit and the darkness ebbs for just a little while. These encounters are prizes!

Tonight I encountered my ex. I am a small town casualty of love and separation. I  walked into my favorite place downtown and there she was. I didn't even see her at first. I sat down at the bar, ordered and there she was staring in my direction. To say it was a painful experience would be a gross understatement. 

It was a moment of being in public and feeling utterly, helplessly and entirely alone!

 

Recreation

Recreation. For people recovering from depression, recreation and social engagements are highly encouraged. I for one would prefer not to do either, of course that is the depression trying to have me isolate so it can feed. The depression has such a tight grip that all I want to do is be alone. I know this is toxic.

So, I am going to borrow a friends set of clubs and begin playing golf each week with my friends from work. Nine holes of sheer mayhem. It is a marginal monetary investment, nine dollars for nine holes, and a borrowed set of clubs.

The game, as I posted earlier, is all about being present. It will help me fight the urge to isolate. Not to mention the social element of hanging with my friends over the course of nine holes. It will be excellent therapy and a ton of fun to boot.

It will also be great mindfulness practice, remaining present to the ball and my friends. I am really looking forward to it and will keep you all informed of my progress. It should be interesting!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Numbness

Numbness. One of the worst effects of depression for me is the horrible numbness. It smothers all emotion and leaves me feeling rather dead inside.

I guess this is better than the crippling, isolating and terrifying pain that it can also inflict. However, the numbness is just so empty. It leaves me feeling extremely flat.

Today was a brutal day of numbness. Every decision, moment and experience just fell flat for me. The numbness leads to my indecision of what lead to call first, what to eat or whether to eat, what route to take to an appointment, what to do with my free time after work, and on and on it goes.

The numbness also leaves me feeling less awake. It is as if the world is streaming by and my mind can't keep up. I'm moving in slow motion and the world is moving at super speed. Colors look pale, food tastes dull, conversations require such effort, every experience is mind numbingly sparse of emotion.

Things I would normally find exciting wash over me with such ambivalence. The siting of a wild bob cat barely registered with me. I watched him slink off into the woods with barely any reaction. My nightly walk in the city forest felt forced and unemotional. Even the siting of a wild rabbit on the bog walk couldn't illicit a reaction from my numb self.

I can honestly say today I feel the numbness to be the worst side effect of depression. It turns me off on such an emotional human level that cripples differently than the pain. It isolates me simply by my non reactions. The numbness shows others that I'm disinterested and different. It shows my illness. The work to fight the numbness is more exhausting than fighting the crippling pain.

Intensive Outpatient Program

Stepped Falls by Matt June 2011

After fourteen days of hospitalization at Acadia Hospital in Bangor, I entered the outpatient program. It is referred to as IOP, or Intensive Outpatient Program. I spent fourteen days in this portion of my recovery. Truly a wonderful experience.

The program runs five days a week from eight in the morning till four in the afternoon. I met some wonderful people and found tremendous support. Each hour is filled with support groups covering topics like; mindfulness, sleep, grief, planning, medication management, coping skills, spirituality, relaxation and open process.

IOP is where I discovered the power of mindfulness and began my formalized meditation practice each day and night. It was here that Tony introduced me to Jon Kabat-Zinn and his very accessible meditation practice.

When I have a tough day now I return to the skills and experiences I learned in IOP. It was the patients and staff that helped me see some extremely valuable lessons. Such as staying positive, getting a good nights sleep and creating time to relax and decompress.

The most valuable lesson is one I forget most often. Thinking Positive! This is the one skill hardest to master and seems to be the most fleeting for me. My dark passenger, depression, works exceptionally hard to extinguish this flame.

The other skill was to develop a pre sleep ritual. As you know I meditate twenty minutes prior to bedtime, take my night time medication and then am off to bed. This assures me of at least seven hours of solid uninterrupted sleep. The ritual works like clockwork most nights. I am now sleeping with few disturbed moments and waking feeling refreshed.

The IOP was extremely beneficial for my recovery. Now, as recently experienced, when I hit a bad stretch of experiencing the depressions weight I have a good set of skills to fall back on. A good set of skills, experiences and friendships to call upon to help me through.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Ride The Waves

My mind is simply roiling with thoughts that crash upon my shore with great regularity. Initially my meditation practice was intended to help alleviate some of the waves. I have discovered this is not the goal.

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes, "Meditation is neither shutting things out or off. It is seeing things clearly, and deliberately positioning yourself differently in relationship to them."

So the goal is now to allow the thoughts to simply be. I practice to concentrate fully on my breath and remain in the present state seeking calm. When the thoughts crash in or rise up to swallow me I will attempt to surf, ride the waves without trying to calm or suppress them. It is an attempt at being one with my thoughts in a non judgmental fashion.

The thoughts of suicide fall into this troublesome category. I will allow them to float by without acting or reacting to them. I am simply thinking about the relief and escape. It is not a plan or any future action I will take, it is simply a large bothersome wave that is yet unquieted in my mind. In time my meditation practice will slow the feeding of these thoughts and the waves will decrease with the force and regularity with which they currently effect me.

If you too are practicing a meditation ritual, keep at it. I am assured that good things will come for me and mine, and I'm certain for you too.

Tak Care Of Yourselves!

The Suicide Addiction

Thoughts of Suicide have returned. I know that in the deepest part of me this is just a desire to escape. Fight or flight the suicidal thoughts are clearly a flight response.

These thoughts are addictive. It is hard to explain but they bring with them a sense of calm and soothing relief. They are mesmerizing and hypnotic.

Logically I know that suicide is not an answer, but the thoughts are alluring. Like an alcoholic relishes a cold beer on a hot afternoon, or an addict craves a fix, I crave the soothing thoughts of escape and freedom.

When all of the pressure mounts and I feel the walls caving in on me, thoughts of suicide bring a sense of peace. I know this is dangerous territory, but it is what I'm feeling and I'm trying to work through it. Depression is agony. Separation is misery. Financial worries are crippling. Relationship struggles are maddening. Suicide equals relief.

I'm fighting the thoughts and trying to dispel them. I'm trying to focus on the positive, the present and the upbeat. It is just so damn hard. I know deep down that suicide is not an answer. I know it will leave a legacy of pain behind that others may not be able to recover from.

Each day lately I work hard to find a reason to keep on going forward. I celebrate each day as a success. The pain of depression is exceedingly hard to cope, live and excel with. It is a crippling God forsaken illness.

A Game Of Being Present

Golf. If ever there was a game about the need to remain in the present, it would have to be golf. I joined my friends tonight for a game of nine holes of golf. They have been encouraging me for over a year to join them but the isolation of depression has been such a strong pull.

In an effort to recover from this awful illness I have decided that being as social as possible is a requirement. So, I joined them. I almost cancelled, as the negative seductions of the entity almost won me over. I am so glad it didn't.

We had an absolute blast. Now I am not the best golfer but I managed to get a few nice shots in. I realized very quickly it is a game about being present. Jon Kabat-Zinn must be an exceptional golfer!

You need to be entirely present to your body, the club and the environment. You need to feel, hear, smell and be entirely present to each movement and motion. There is no past or future but only the here and now. It is a game of mindfulness. It is a game about friendship.

I'm so glad I joined my friends!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Work and Balance

Pebbles by Matt June 2011

I returned to work a few days ago after six weeks off. Two of the weeks were as a result of my hospitalization. Two of the weeks were also as a result of my Intensive Outpatient Program.  The final two weeks consisted of a short motorcycle trip to see my sister and to take care of some transition items.

There is a part of me that feels I may need to find a new job. I am in sales and I worry the volatile nature of the economy, my illness and a change in my own life perspective may have me looking elsewhere to make a living.

Don't get me wrong, I know I can get back into the sales groove. I just don't know that I want to anymore. I feel like I want something deeper out of my vocation. I feel like the materialistic nature of sales may not be for me anymore.

First and foremost I feel like I want to help myself get better. I'm watching what I eat, I'm meditating, I'm exercising and sleeping well so I have those spokes in the wheel secure. Now I want to examine my work life. I want to contribute something of value.

I know the systems I sell have value, but I want to contribute something deeper, something more heartfelt. I don't know maybe the meditations have me all soft and liberal right now. But I can't help but feel there is something more to life than sales quotas, sales goals, and the bottom line.

Capturing a Moment

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes of true mindfulness and capturing the moment. Focusing on the now, the right now, the immediate. Not allowing the mind to wander to past or future but to be completely in the present.

For me being on the motorcycle captures that in the moment exceptionally well. Right hand operating the throttle and the brake. Left hand operating the clutch. Right foot operating the rear brake. Left foot operating the shift lever. Each of my extremities is engaged, completely engaged, in keeping the motorcycle upright and heading in the proper direction.

I am trying to duplicate that feat with my morning and nightly meditation practice. Mindfulness comes easily on the bike, not so easy in the quiet of my small room. In the quiet, my mind takes flight and wanders. I'm drawn into the past by the entity, reminding me of all of my failures. The entity also beats my self esteem down all but sabotaging any positive future ventures.

I struggle to keep the focus on the present. Some days I am able to sustain my focus. Others, I can barely set my meditation stage. I know that I am still early in recovery and I should cut myself a break. I can't help but feel that the depression is winning.

But, I will work again at my meditation practice. I will set the stage of positive imagery and self talk. I will visualize the crisp blue sky, the cool tranquil lake, the deep green grass, the refreshing breeze on my body. "I am worthwhile", "I am valuable", "I am a good person who deserves good things". I will repeat these phrases as I breathe deeply...concentrating on the present, the here and now.

Remember,

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Seize the Positive

Birches by Matt May 2011

I met with my medication manager today and we are tweaking my regiment slightly. My depressed state is currently very fragile so we are venturing in small increments to help correct things without causing me any sudden downturns.

I am currently faced with a mid morning return of the anxious depressed state so we are augmenting more propranolol midday. If this doesn't help correct my path we will try and lessen the Abilify to better target its effect on seratonin output. I feel in exceptional hands. I feel heard and respected. I really can't say enough good things about Acadia Hospital.

That brings me to seizing the positive. My medication manager believes that positive self talk is as important to regulation of biochemical responses as medications. I'm glad he does because so do I.

Since my second week in hospital I have been focusing on sending myself positive self talk messages. They come with great difficulty as depression lays waste to any semblance of self esteem, but I'm "faking it until I make it", as my manager likes to say. I agree. Right now it feels like faking, but there are amazing glimmers of thought that warm and console.

My day today was a nice reprieve from the heavy depressed darkness of yesterday. My mood jiggered along through the day maintaining good nature through a good portion of it. Occasionally, I could feel sullen mood and the entity rising and I would positive think my way in the opposite direction. While this requires a great deal of energy the effect is so worth the efforts!

I can turn a poor day into a nice day simply by working to direct my thoughts. Now, this doesn't always work out as yesterday bore true to me. No matter how positive I tried to be I just couldn't fully internalize the positive thoughts. Depression can be so slithering and destructive. So, on days that positive self talk doesn't work I will just embrace the depression for the time being, knowing that in time the pain will ease a bit.

Here is wishing you a positive day!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

The Struggle With Darkness

Like rust rising up through a painted surface it is back. Heavy thoughts of hopelessness, worthlessness and dread. Even thoughts of suicide have returned, the feeling of a need to silence the pain of such a terrible struggle.

I'm reading William Styron's memoir, "Darkness Visible". It is helpful to read the words of a fellow traveller's battle with this awful condition of depression. Especially when I find myself in such a dark state. Depression is counter intuitive, invasive, destructive, seductive, tricky, painful and obliterates each joyous thought.

Styron explains the deep and paralyzing pain this condition throws at the sufferer. As I read I feel less alone, less isolated and less afraid. I must say however, I long for a quick solution, though I know one is not coming. Time, patience and a great deal of energy will be required to beat this.

Today was filled with pain and darkness. The day was bright, sunny with a rich blue sky, but I was overcome with the dread of depression. My actions were confused, erratic and indecisive. One moment I wanted to be out and social, the next I was longing for the darkness of an isolated room. The pain of loss and separation was mixed with heavy thoughts of personal failure.

No matter what I did I was not able to find comfort, solace or quiet. My mind busily clattered away all day in darkness and carried on into the preparation for my daily blog update. Another day of no comfort. Another day of dark confusion. Another day of heart aching suffering.

I can't attribute anything to this outbreak. My exercise plan is going well, with one hour walk daily. My mindfulness practice is on schedule too. No changes in medication or diet. My sleep was a bit more disturbed than usual but I awoke feeling rested. I have no answers.

Just pain and anguish today.

Creativity

Journey Stones by Matt June 2011

Accompanying this post is a photo I took today during my exploration of Acadia National Park. Funny, I was supposed to be in Augusta but I changed my plans early morning, then I received a surprise phone call and I was off to a national park for the day.

This photo represents a portion of my recovery that has yet been unstated. That portion is my deep need to create. John Folk-Williams has a number of posts concerning creativity and depression at his wonderful site, Storied Mind. I encourage you to visit.

I have come to realize that my fight with depression needs to contain a creative outlet. Writing this blog was the first step in that recovery process, my photos are another. I find that when I write or am seeking a new photo my inner concentration is so pinpointed as to disrupt the flood of depressive negative thoughts. When my mind is in this concentrated state seeking a positive creative place I am able to find a bit of a reprieve from all of the depressions negative self talk.

In essence, the swirl of creativity provides me with peace. The action of blocking time to plan my writing,  outline the general piece and write the post is extremely gratifying. Amidst the confusion of my depressed state of mind I am finding clarity in these exercises.

I am hopeful that the exercise of writing my thoughts and feelings as I recover from depression in this blog are helpful to some. This journey is so exceptionally painful, agonizing and numbing that I'm certain over the the coming year many posts will be hard to read and write. I hope you bear with me. I am finding that so little is known about true depression, the gut wrenching clinical depression that goes beyond the blues, and maybe my words will help others feel less alone in their struggles.

As I search for fellow travelers who are afflicted with this incredible pain I see a void of documented survival stories. I must say this worries me. There have certainly been many high profile creative minds that have succumbed to depression. I'm hopeful of finding a few that have lived to tell the tale.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Creating Quiet Amidst The Falls

Screw Auger Falls by Matt June 2011

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes, "Our actions are all too frequently driven rather than undertaken in awareness, driven by those perfectly ordinary thoughts and impulses that run through the mind like a coursing river, if not a waterfall." This rings so true for me as I transition to a new life of separation and recovery.

As I engage in "mindfulness practice", I am constantly challenged when trying to create a quiet safe place free of busy thoughts. Negative self talk, worries over finances, reconnecting relationship connections, should dos and to dos all attack with a vengeance as I try and create a sense of calm. These ordinary thoughts awaken like rambunctious children seeking attention.

I'm cultivating the skills of being able to pull myself from the sweeping current, climb upon the banks and merely sit and observe. By being present and seeing, hearing and re-energizing from the passing experiences my recovery will be attained. This takes energy. Energy that I don't always have.

Depression is the great energy hog. For an entity that really does nothing useful, he sure uses a great deal of my energy reserves. This is why, regardless of my energy level, I have now committed twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes at night of mindfulness practice. The same practice I outlined earlier in the post, "Mindfulness".

Like my commitment to writing this blog, my commitment to practicing mindfulness will undoubtedly improve my state of mind and heart. As I continue my venture towards a steady habit of mindfulness meditation I will keep you all informed.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

True Nature

I'm reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's wonderful book on mindfulness titled, Wherever You Go There You Are. Now I have my own mindfulness practice that I have been trying to engage in each morning and night. When I am able to string a few of these sessions together I feel remarkably better. I feel clearer and more confident. The problems I am having are that depression inhibits my progress and my life situation is quite tumultuous.

Jon writes, "Mindfulness is fundamentally about being in touch with your own deepest nature and letting it flow out of you unimpeded." This is where depression can corrupt the process. I'm still very early in dealing with my illness and the recovery process is definitely not a smooth uphill climb. Instead it is like a roller coaster with peaks and valleys. I can see however that the ride is headed in an upwardly progressive direction. However, I am still only able to catch small glimpses of the true me I know is deep within.

I remember the true me, light hearted, happy and confident. He is inside and I know that, but my illness right now is still partially in control. My mindfulness sessions are helpful, but the depression's negative self talk is crippling. The feelings of low self esteem are paralyzing. They slow me from being social, shopping for groceries and doing laundry. They make each simple task a challenge.

The other problem I face is not remaining rooted in the present. Mindfulness is about the present, not the past or the future. This is where I can derail right now. My illness has led to some major disconnections with very important people in my life. I find myself swirling about in the past rehashing with myself all of my mistakes and withdrawals from living. I am also trying to sort out my future with a whole list of "shoulds and what ifs". I need to focus on myself in the present, how I feel, think, believe.

I'm getting there in small steps, but the climb out of depression is agonizing. The entity is always right behind wanting to pull me down again. I need to keep Jon's words in the front of my mind, "The overall tenor of mindfulness practice is gentle, appreciative and nurturing."

Take Care of Yourselves!

Loss

Loss. Due to different circumstances, including severe depression, I surrendered my dogs today to a great shelter with guaranteed homes. I'm in a housing situation that just can't support two full sized dogs. My friends can no longer house them while I work through my recovery.

My depression led me to this place. My disconnection, apathy and removing myself from intimate contacts carried me to this step. I can't express how badly this hurt. I know this is the best path for them as I'm unable to care for myself or them right now. They are headed for wonderful loving homes and that is my only positive feeling about losing my friends of 16 year.

I exhausted my search locally through my vet, kennel and friends. I even exhausted efforts through state run  retriever foundations. In the end I chose a "No Kill Refuge" to surrender my girls. They are extremely nice folks who love animals.

This was one of the most painful days I have ever experienced.

I really have nothing else to say.