Jon writes, "Mindfulness is fundamentally about being in touch with your own deepest nature and letting it flow out of you unimpeded." This is where depression can corrupt the process. I'm still very early in dealing with my illness and the recovery process is definitely not a smooth uphill climb. Instead it is like a roller coaster with peaks and valleys. I can see however that the ride is headed in an upwardly progressive direction. However, I am still only able to catch small glimpses of the true me I know is deep within.
I remember the true me, light hearted, happy and confident. He is inside and I know that, but my illness right now is still partially in control. My mindfulness sessions are helpful, but the depression's negative self talk is crippling. The feelings of low self esteem are paralyzing. They slow me from being social, shopping for groceries and doing laundry. They make each simple task a challenge.
The other problem I face is not remaining rooted in the present. Mindfulness is about the present, not the past or the future. This is where I can derail right now. My illness has led to some major disconnections with very important people in my life. I find myself swirling about in the past rehashing with myself all of my mistakes and withdrawals from living. I am also trying to sort out my future with a whole list of "shoulds and what ifs". I need to focus on myself in the present, how I feel, think, believe.
I'm getting there in small steps, but the climb out of depression is agonizing. The entity is always right behind wanting to pull me down again. I need to keep Jon's words in the front of my mind, "The overall tenor of mindfulness practice is gentle, appreciative and nurturing."
Take Care of Yourselves!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete