I'm reading William Styron's memoir, "Darkness Visible". It is helpful to read the words of a fellow traveller's battle with this awful condition of depression. Especially when I find myself in such a dark state. Depression is counter intuitive, invasive, destructive, seductive, tricky, painful and obliterates each joyous thought.
Styron explains the deep and paralyzing pain this condition throws at the sufferer. As I read I feel less alone, less isolated and less afraid. I must say however, I long for a quick solution, though I know one is not coming. Time, patience and a great deal of energy will be required to beat this.
Today was filled with pain and darkness. The day was bright, sunny with a rich blue sky, but I was overcome with the dread of depression. My actions were confused, erratic and indecisive. One moment I wanted to be out and social, the next I was longing for the darkness of an isolated room. The pain of loss and separation was mixed with heavy thoughts of personal failure.
No matter what I did I was not able to find comfort, solace or quiet. My mind busily clattered away all day in darkness and carried on into the preparation for my daily blog update. Another day of no comfort. Another day of dark confusion. Another day of heart aching suffering.
I can't attribute anything to this outbreak. My exercise plan is going well, with one hour walk daily. My mindfulness practice is on schedule too. No changes in medication or diet. My sleep was a bit more disturbed than usual but I awoke feeling rested. I have no answers.
Just pain and anguish today.
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