The Suicide Addiction

Thoughts of Suicide have returned. I know that in the deepest part of me this is just a desire to escape. Fight or flight the suicidal thoughts are clearly a flight response.

These thoughts are addictive. It is hard to explain but they bring with them a sense of calm and soothing relief. They are mesmerizing and hypnotic.

Logically I know that suicide is not an answer, but the thoughts are alluring. Like an alcoholic relishes a cold beer on a hot afternoon, or an addict craves a fix, I crave the soothing thoughts of escape and freedom.

When all of the pressure mounts and I feel the walls caving in on me, thoughts of suicide bring a sense of peace. I know this is dangerous territory, but it is what I'm feeling and I'm trying to work through it. Depression is agony. Separation is misery. Financial worries are crippling. Relationship struggles are maddening. Suicide equals relief.

I'm fighting the thoughts and trying to dispel them. I'm trying to focus on the positive, the present and the upbeat. It is just so damn hard. I know deep down that suicide is not an answer. I know it will leave a legacy of pain behind that others may not be able to recover from.

Each day lately I work hard to find a reason to keep on going forward. I celebrate each day as a success. The pain of depression is exceedingly hard to cope, live and excel with. It is a crippling God forsaken illness.