Mixed State

During my hospitalization this past April, I was diagnosed as suffering from a major depressive disorder. After weeks of taking antidepressant medication my health care provider is suggesting something new.

Mixed State Bipolar. As I have gone months trying varying antidepressants with no sign of any improvement, I may well be suffering from a mixed state bipolar illness. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

There is a part of me that has grown to accept the depression as my major foe. I have accepted the diagnosis and begun trying to fight my way back to health. I can even speak of being a person suffering with depression without a feeling of being stigmatized.

But, mixed state bipolar disorder feels like a serious mental illness. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am ill. I feel it every moment of each day to my core. But the possibility of being bipolar feels even worse than just being depressed. I know it is the stigma attached to a serious mental illness I am wrestling with here.

I can also say that the possibility of a mixed state bipolar diagnosis has me scared. I know and understand depression now. Bipolar is a complete mystery to me and it seems to the professional community at hand as well.

The one thing I read with great commonality is that mixed state bipolar is one of the hardest mental illnesses to treat and diagnose. It also carries with it the greatest risk of death by suicide, which probably explains my relative obsession with suicide.

I know that the antidepressants don't appear to be holding strong. I peaked slightly but am back to feeling low most of the time. I have had a few positive up days, but the majority of my days and nights are filled with agonizing pain and darkness.

If the diagnosis of mixed state bipolar is correct and the medication regiment that goes with it helps me, I shouldn't care about the label. I shouldn't but I do. I do care what I am suffering with is called. I care because the words are part of who I am, they structure my identity. They don't define me but the contribute to my definition of who I feel I am. That is a hurdle I need to clear and clear quickly.

I realize that I am in the battle of my life. Each day is another step towards living or dying. The sooner I come to accept that I am ill, and the label I am given doesn't truly matter, the better off I will be. Ignorance breeds fear. So, I am now going to learn as much as I can about mixed state bipolar disorder.

Take Care Of Yourselves!