Darkness

Well, some changes are better than others. My medication management has been going well until recently. We have taken a turn that has tumbled me back into strings of depressed thoughts. Not to mention suicide has been nagging with considerable regularity.

It has been a slow slide back down into a pretty serious funk. Chronic depressed thoughts, suicidal fantasies and a general sense of hopelessness have all returned. The reduction of Lexapro is in large part the problem, but with Lexapro there are some other pretty unpleasant side effects too.

It looks like a switch to a more specific medication to help with bipolar and depression is in order. The likely candidate will be lithium. It has become pretty clear that I need something for the depression. It has also become clear that Lexapro is not the answer.

When I'm taking the Lexapro my agitation is greatly increased. The lower dosages still provide the agitation without much relief from the depression. If I take a higher dosage, the agitation is tough to bear. Even on the higher dosages of Lexapro the depression is still very present and disruptive. I'll call me medication provider today to begin talking about lithium.

Falling

I have been having a great deal of dreams lately where I'm falling. I'm falling and it feels like an immense relief is washing over me. They coincide with an increase in suicidal thoughts during my waking hours.

I feel especially sad these days. Thoughts of separation and grief are at an all time high. It goes hand in hand with shortening daylight, a terrible head cold and an openness of dealing with the grief.

The feelings also coincide with ongoing custody, visitation and child support litigation. The exhaustion that comes with trying to get blood from a stone is overwhelming. I have no idea where the extra pounds of flesh will come from.