Being Present

Being present is one of the hardest things for me with depression. My mind races over everything I have done to place me in a miserable state; isolation, irritability and depressive apathy. It can be a real burden.

So, once again on Thursday, I hit the links with my friends. Two hours of concentrating on the present. Golf forces me into the here and now. I focus on my feet and where they are placed. I concentrate on keeping the club face adjacent to the ball. My hands occupy me with how they intertwine. The ball needs to know where I want it to go now; not the last hole or the next, rather the now hole!

Golf and the course also causes me to tune into my friends, how they are feeling and doing. We talk about things we just can't during our work day. The calmness of the course and the surroundings brings about connections. The social element is also very satisfying; the laughter, support and friendships are priceless.

Who could have guessed that the little game of golf could effect so much change. I feel the time together with my friends, the focus of the game and the beauty of the surroundings is doing wonders for me. Each week I count the days until Thursday at 5:00. Fore!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Brighter Days

A good nights sleep, again. Meditation that felt refreshing and hopeful. A bright sunny summer day. Things are feeling brighter, even for just a day I will accept it with open heartfelt arms!

I also am feeling better about the possibility of having bipolar disorder. The more I read about mixed state the more I recognize the symptoms as my own. If it will mean a relief to my struggles than I will also accept it with open heartfelt arms.

The daily self loathing, depression, irritability and anxious energy are all key indicators for mixed state diagnosis. If the medicines will be better able to target my symptoms than I am ready.

Until then, I will enjoy feeling up, enjoy feeling the sun and continue to hope for brighter and better days.

Awareness

I recently posted about my meditation practice going poorly. I found I was trying to manage and manipulate my meditation time. Instead of observing and concentrating on my breath I was trying to do.

In my reading over the 4th I discovered a great passage that I feel will be exceptionally helpful. Jon Kabat-Zinn writes about awareness, "Awareness is more like a vessel which can hold and contain our thinking, helping us to see and know our thoughts as thoughts rather than getting caught up in them as reality.".

This is a solid prime directive. Awareness isn't thought, rather it is the supreme state of being present. Present to our thoughts in a relationship that doesn't judge, manipulate or act. We move beyond thinking and become one in a state of complete wakefulness.

The idea of meditation for me is to become more of an observer of my thoughts and being so that I will hopefully gain perspective. I want my thoughts to be of service to me instead of me servicing my thoughts. Instead of depression, anxiety and grief derailing me I hope to gain a sense of inner calmness when those storms approach. By practice, learning and understanding I hope to reach that calm place along the pathway to sit and observe, sit and learn, and finally sit and understand my relationship to my thoughts.

Fireworks

Normally weekends are dreadful due to the down time and lack of diversions. Too much time to think for someone with depression can be a grueling experience. Not this weekend!

I struggled to come to terms with decorating and setting up my new apartment. I dragged my way through picking out some curtains and thought that hanging them would be a rotten chore. I was wrong.

Once I was home and began setting the rods up I fell into a nice little rhythm. I determined on my ride home to think positive and embrace change. I found that I was enjoying myself.

Curtains are now hung, bathrooms are now all set and my kitchen is taking shape. My little space is beginning to feel like a home. I even have a little corner for an office. Now I need to arrange cable TV and internet service and I will be set.

My friend also encouraged me to come to a cookout on Sunday. It was a great outing to meet some new people and hangout with some friends. I fought the urge to hunker down and hide out. I broke out of my depression routine of lying low and it felt good.

I even found that the downtime wasn't overcome with deep dark moments of depression ridden anxiety. I struggled some at night and in the mornings, but overall it was manageable and unobtrusive. I know in large part it has been due to sleep. My sleep has been very good, deep and restful. That makes so much of a difference with my symptoms of depression.

So, instead of a weekend of angst and depression I have managed it well with positive thinking, sleep and a little bit of luck. I am hopeful to be able to string a few more good days together and to keep my sleep deep and healthy.

Happy 4th of July!!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

July 3rd

Sluice by Matt June 2011

The path. The path to a healthy life. The path is my current journey towards recovery. My meditation regiment has derailed slightly from the path, I think because I began trying to force a direction.

Instead of simply following the path, I have begun trying to cleave my way through a forest of depression. I went off my path a few weeks ago and just realized it this morning. I have ventured away from my goal of seeking to develop a safe refuge.

Simply put, I am now constructing my meditations instead of observing a flow of images and thoughts. I no longer am content to sit beside my thoughts and imagery, focused on my breathing. I have become a dam builder.

My new goal for my meditations will be to return to my initial images, practices and mindset. I will sit and observe my thoughts without trying to control, impede or manipulate. I will return to the focus upon my breathing.

Instead of having my meditation time be the refuge I was seeking, I began declaring war on depression. I began constructing ways to keep depression away and I lost the pure intentions of my practice. My initial goal was really to create a port of solace, a place of relaxing beauty to help recharge. To be completely honest I am now expending too much energy for it to be relaxing or restful.

Back to the path!

Making A Home

During the course of struggling with depression and trying to come to terms with what was happening to me I lost my home. My relationship broke down due to my disconnectedness and irritability and she asked for me to leave. I simply burned my partner out.

So, I am trying to put some semblance of a life back together again. I can tell you it is exhausting. I typically enjoy all facets of home life, decorating, cleaning and cooking. But this time around I despise every second of it.

I believe it is due in large part to the grief over losing my partner. I'm not built for being a bachelor. I don't enjoy the alone time and the emptiness. I'm not enjoying having to sort out an apartment at all. Having to pick out curtains, bathroom accessories and other miscellaneous items is really an inconvenient chore right now.

Today I picked out curtains. A simple task that felt monumental and draining. The only thing worse than the act of picking them out is that I'll need to hang them when I get home. Home, a short time in my new apartment and it is beginning to feel like home. Well, I'm not sure if it feels like home, but it is certainly beginning to feel like my space, my place.

Depression has that joy sucking quality about it. I apologize for my whiny mood, but this condition is really getting old and tiresome. I hope for a shift soon with the possible new diagnosis and treatment for Mixed State Bipolar Disorder. Maybe I will begin to feel like my old optimistic self again soon.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Camaraderie

As anyone who suffers from depression will know, there is a consistent inner struggle to desire social connections while being drawn towards isolation. I fight that battle on a daily basis.

When I'm healthy I'm a very social person, desiring contact and involvement at a frequent and deep level. That is most likely why I enjoy being a salesman so much. At those healthy moments I'm clearly in my element. The relationship building process of a sale is very rewarding and a great deal of fun.

So, as a major component of my recovery from depression I have begun to schedule in social time. Thursday nights are a prime focus of my week. Each Thursday, my friends and I gather for a game of golf. The camaraderie we share fills me up and helps me grow stronger.

The one thing that this camaraderie is showing me is that we are all walking wounded. Each of us, even the seemingly healthy ones, have crosses to bear and struggles to overcome. We all desire contact and intimacy, while struggling with feelings of low self esteem. I never understood how prevalent self doubt has become in our culture.

This camaraderie is vital for me, and it really seems so for my friends as well. It is a great time to lighten up, laugh and reconnect. These moments help me feel less alone, less anxious and less depressed. The time with my friends has lasting effects typically well through the weekend.

Camaraderie is exceptionally beneficial!