Bipolar II Mixed State

It has been a number of weeks since the possibility of Bipolar II Mixed State was suggested by my health care provider. After considerable time reading up on the condition and counseling with my therapist changes are in store.

We will begin making small changes to my medication regiment in hopes that the underlying conditions caused by the Bipolar II Mixed State can be relieved. My time taking antidepressants has not helped. Approximately seven different antidepressants have been tried with minor positive effects.

Most of the antidepressants have had a rather significant negative effect. Primarily they have exacerbated my degree of irritability and agitation. I am now told this should have been a red flag for my treating physician at the time. We are all only human and everyone makes mistakes. The important fact is that we are on the right track now.

My current medications are Lexapro, Aripiprazole and Inderal. In an effort to get at quieting the agitation and irritability we will be raising the dosage of the Aripiprazole, which is a mood stabilizer, and hopefully the depression will ebb as well. Once my dosage of Aripiprazole has increased and the irritability lessens we will scale back the Lexapro.

The Lexapro may well be triggering my hypomania. My elevated irritability and agitation could well be accelerated by the Lexapro due to the Bipolar II Mixed State and its interactions with the antidepressant. Some people report that Lexapro will rev them up. Seeing as I am feeling accelerated, irritable and heavily depressed this antidepressant may be the cause. Because the depression is a result of the Bipolar II Mixed State, I may benefit from only taking the Aripiprazole as a monotherapy and avoiding conventional antidepressant therapies. Time and patience will soon tell.

I was at odds with being labeled as Bipolar. The society at large doesn't shine a very sympathetic light on mental illness. I think I am in a space now where it doesn't matter what label I am stuck with. What matters for me now is to begin feeling better. To spend a day where I feel genuinely happy and pleased to be alive. If being called Bipolar helps me get the help I need so be it. Bring on the wellness!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Support Network

When any of us become ill or our moods turn downward due to life's events we need a support network. Support networks can mean the difference between death and survival.

Canadian Geese are truly magical in this demonstration of a support network. As you watch them fly in their seasonal formations keep in mind the intricate inner workings of their collective.

To begin with, the v formation they fly in is a true example of camaraderie and a collective effort. The shape of the v helps them to reduce wind resistance for those who follow the lead goose. They can fly greater distances without rest breaks due to the reduced amount of effort this formation requires of each goose in the group.

The other interesting point of the v formation is that the lead goose works the hardest to maintain the overall pace of the formation. Because the lead goose works the hardest they all revolve through stints at the lead as the group progresses on their journey. Each goose will have numerous times when they lead the formation and also drop back to share in the reduced effort the formation creates.

If for some reason a goose falls out of the formation, two other geese will follow suit, drop out of the formation and tend to the needs of the goose who has been dropped. If the goose needs to land due to injury the other two comrades will follow the goose down to assure its safety. The two geese will remain with the companion until it is ready to return to flight or dies. This benevolent act is quite amazing. A goose is never left alone to fend for itself unless it is grieving the loss of its partner.

Yes, if a goose looses its partner it will mourn by itself for quite sometime. This is the only time the goose would be by itself to process the loss. Initially the goose will have supports but in time will isolate while it grieves. After the grieving process the goose will return to its group or blend into another community of geese.

We can learn from this close and collective effort. Never to fend for ourselves, but rather always to be supported by a close and nurturing support system. Depression really isn't unlike other illnesses that require support. We can benefit from a few good wingmen in our lives. A few strong supports who can help us laugh, support us while we cry, and encourage us when we are struggling.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Symbols

There are so many symbols we can use to help ground our lives. Two of my favorites are water and mountains. When you combine the two you really have winning symbols for a meditative practice.

The corresponding photo is one I found while online. This photo is of the Bubble's at Jordan Pond in Bar Harbor Maine. I am frequently there for work and play and use this image as my meditative visual. This location has also provided me with a great deal of joy.

For me, the mountains symbolize strength and dignity. When I meditate with the image in mind of the Bubbles at Jordan Pond, I feel their strength inspire me. The image provides a great deal of comfort and a state of being I wish to attain. They are resilient, stoic and strong.

The water is also an exceptional vehicle for symbolism during meditation. Moving or coursing water speaks of inspiration and pathways and journeys toward recovery. Smooth, still water on the other hand provides the tranquil, calming and restorative mood needed to help provide grounding and contemplation.

Symbols have become an important part of my recovery from depression. Using these symbols in the images I choose during the meditative practice is also providing me with ways to recharge and unwind. I interlace my focus on the image and my drawing breath. In your meditation practice I encourage you to try incorporating a few themed images to help you focus. You may find it works wonders.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Therapy

As part of my recovery I see a therapist once a week. He is a great guy and we have begun getting to know one another. The time is greatly beneficial.

It can be a real daunting task to speak to someone about my inner darkness. Even someone that I know quite well would be a challenge, but a virtual stranger is something completely different. However we are getting along rather well.

I find he is moving slowly to help me with all of the transitions and loss I am faced with. For this I am grateful. It can be overwhelming to think of it all at once.

He has begun by helping me with the loss of my dogs. I had to give them up for adoption due to my change in home status. I tried to locate an apartment that would accept pets to no avail.

My sense of loss and grief over losing my girls is at times unbearable. The pain I feel over giving them up paralyzes me with regret and guilt. Dogs love us with such unconditional abandon it is terribly painful to feel that I did them an injustice. My therapist has helped ease my feelings of guilt and delivered for me some much needed perspective. I worked to find a shelter that did not euthanize their pets and with the help of my sister both girls now have loving homes. I did right by them when my options were incredibly limited.

I hope those of you out there seeing a therapist have had success with your partnership. After all, it is a partnership that can help us to grow stronger and more aware of our conditions. With the guidance of our therapists we can begin to lead healthy, contented and more aware lives. We can act instead of react, plan instead of procrastinate, and live instead of merely survive.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Calmness

I'm not entirely sure why, but over the past few days I have felt exceptionally calm. I don't feel particularly depressed or down, my heart isn't aching abnormally, and I have been sleeping very well.

I'm striving to stay in the present and enjoy this new found feeling, because as experience has shown me it may not last. The old worries and unresolved grief may rise up and try and swallow me.

I have had a few anxious moments when a heaviness suddenly washes over me, but the spells haven't been prolonged. They typically come to me in the early morning hours, or in the evening as the hectic pace of the day gives way to down time.

The moments when I have time to sit and ponder are the problem times. When my mind is free to explore my current state is when trouble flows in. The flow can turn from a trickle to a flood in a heartbeat. As of late the downtimes have been overwhelmingly calm. No depression, self loathing and despair. These things have been absent from my days and nights.

I know I still have a great deal to contend with, but I'm pleased with this reprieve. Depression and this illness have taken a great deal from me that I have yet to fully explore and deal with. Truly I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of my pain, loss and grief.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Sleep Hygiene

When I was in hospital I learned about the benefits of good sleep hygiene. This is just a fancy way to talk about the presleep rituals that can lead to a beneficial nights rest. It really can provide you with a super string of good night sleeps.

Our bodies become used to the rituals we set them through each day. We become used to waking at certain hours and our bodies crave sleep at certain times based on the schedules we keep. Our bodies will also prepare for sleep better if the ritual is the same each night and morning.

I have recently had a great string of some wonderful nights of uninterrupted sleep. For people with depression sleep can be very fleeting. This lack of sleep can really cause a spiral and downward turn for the worse. Poor sleeping patterns can also exacerbate a person's symptoms suffering with Bipolar. Good sleep can mean the difference between a healthy life and hospitalization.

I have developed my own sleep hygiene rituals and this has helped me maintain a healthy sleeping pattern. I take my medication at the same time each evening. I meditate for twenty minutes prior to sleep each night as well. The meditation at night helps tell my mind that I am readying for sleep. Setting my sleep at the same time each night also helps my body clock. My body and mind have learned that these rituals indicate sleep.

For me there is no better relief from the symptoms of depression other than a good nights rest. I wake refreshed and ready for the challenges of the day. Each night of good sleep is like topping of my fuel tank before a long journey. It helps to fuel me through the following day.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

The Dignified Posture

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes at considerable length and diversity about the preferred posture while meditating. He states, "So, when we take our seat in meditation and remind ourselves to sit with dignity, we are coming back to our original worthiness."

Taking the time to create a space for meditation and also the correct posture to meditate with does indeed make a difference. If I sit relaxed I radiate low energy and passivity. If I sit tensely, well I'm just trying to direct to much, try to hard.

Jon Kabat Zinn uses the word dignity. "Everybody seems to instantly know that inner feeling of dignity and how to embody it." It can be hard, as I fight with depression, to feel dignified. To use the word dignity also takes into account that a person feels somehow worthwhile. Being ill has torn my self esteem and worthiness a great big hole. I fight feelings of worthlessness constantly.

When I am able to embody dignity I find that I sit with strong intentionality. My body in essence is making my mind ready for being open and ready. My meditation time is much more complete and fulfilling when I can begin with the correct posture. The mind does follow the body.