Persistence

I need to discover some method of keeping my hopefulness as persistent as my depression. It is also important for me to learn to distinguish between normal sadness and the hollowness of depression.

I am still experiencing bouts of tremendous sadness, grief and the loss of my relationship over one year ago. Every day in some significant way I long for or miss her company and presence in my life. I try and distinguish between this sadness, which is extremely painful, and the tremendous emptiness that comes with depression. The sadness is healthy and an important step in my grieving process.

Our relationship lasted for about five and a half years. Our time together was joyous, dynamic and full of energy. Our time together began to fall apart as my depression took hold of me. I became less happy in my expression and my presence was dull and lifeless. The change was just too much for her to bear. We parted ways and the heartache has nearly killed me on more than one occasion.

As I recover from this loss I have been handicapped by my intense and difficult to treat depression. It has corrupted the grieving process numerous times and continues to hinder a healthy recovery. I have written before of my struggles to find the medication that will provide long lasting and consistent relief. I have also written about my current course of trying ECT, Electro Convulsive Therapy, with great success.  But even with the success of these new treatments I can feel depression pulling me down.

I need to find some deep inner persistence. Some undying hopefulness. Some spark of energy that will keep me striving forward. I work on a daily basis to cultivate that undying persistence within my deepest self. The fight with depression is tenacious. Depression looms, ever persistent, to snatch joy and fulfillment from my fragile grasp. I need to develop the strength, ever persistent, to overcome the enemy that is depression.