Struggles

Living life with depression, even when it is well treated, brings with it enormous struggles. When living a so called normal life, struggles are present. We all have bills to pay, relationships to cultivate and careers to maintain. A life tainted by depression and bipolar II disorder creates significant challenges.

As I am undergoing ECT treatment for my depression a few things have become clear. My depression is lifting, thankfully. However confusion, memory loss and headaches have entered my daily living with damaging results. The struggles these side effects have produced make my daily life an even greater struggle.

My normal work day has become a consistent struggle to keep pace with simple tasks. The act of scheduling appointments, answering phone calls and designing simple systems have all become considerable tasks. These daily tasks were once second nature to me, but performing them as I struggle with depression has been difficult.

Bills have also become quite a burden. As a sales representative my livelihood comes from commissions. The months leading up to my recent hospitalization were extremely barren. I watched as my savings disappeared. Take into account six weeks of out of work hospitalization and two weeks of extensive outpatient therapy and you can imagine the financial impact depression would have on my financial solvency. My depression and my new treatments for depression have directly impacted my earning ability as well as my ability to pay my debts.

Relationship building is another area that depression has taken a negative toll. Depression brings with it the desire and reaction to isolate from others. The act of getting out to spend time with current friends is negatively impacted, let alone finding and building new relationships. Stresses over my mental health and financial standing often prevent me from getting out and socializing. I find that I really need to push myself extra hard to socialize consistently. I'm very lucky to have a handful of friends who understand this about me and really help to get me out and moving.

All in all these struggles may seem typical and ordinary. I can assure you that enduring the struggles with depression and bipolar II disorder are concentrated. The daily struggles invade every action from preparing my work day materials, socializing and communicating with others and simply having enough financial solvency to fuel my vehicle for needed sales calls. The struggles that come with depression and bipolar II disorder are exhausting.

I am hopeful, however, that with continued ECT treatment and a revised medication regiment that the struggles will become easier. As I feel my depression lifting and all of these struggles become simpler to endure and overcome that life will brighten. As my depression continues to evaporate and my everyday life becomes more normal and consistent I truly believe that great things await.

ECT Effects

I have been receiving ECT, Electro Convulsive Therapy, for a number of weeks now. I am currently ready to receive my 16th treatment this coming week. I was warned about some potential side effects that might become obvious as the treatments progressed. Some are indeed beginning to make themselves known.

I began ECT as conventional medication and talk therapy treatment was not effective in treating my complex depression and bipolar II disorder. I was in a deep suicidal depression. I had written my suicide notes to family and friends, placed them all so as to be found, purchased materials so as to carbon monoxide poison myself and had prepared myself to commit the final act. It was by some higher power that forces intercepted my suicidal path and prevented certain disaster. Clearly, ECT was warranted in treating my severe condition.

I am pleased to report that ECT has done wonders for me and my psychological state. My depression is now manageable and medications are now creating a positive response in keeping things under control. The downside is that some side effects have started to show up.

I began noticing the side effects as I returned to work. The first and most troubling is memory loss. I have been known in my workplace as a memory machine, able to juggle complex tasks, remember clients names and vital information and keep intricate details of designed systems at my mental fingertips. This task is now severely compromised.

I am finding simple tasks difficult, such as remembering peoples names, work place tasks and procedures and simple paperwork responsibilities. Remembering the details of my work day is also very tough and frustrating. A function that I used to excel at.

Concentration is also hard. I am finding that reading simple text, writing this blog and writing work place documents is a herculean effort. Again, tasks that I used to excel at and that came quite easily for me.

I am hopeful that once we reach the final therapeutic treatment of ECT that my memory and concentration will return to normal. I will keep you all posted as I progress with the treatments.

Persistence

I need to discover some method of keeping my hopefulness as persistent as my depression. It is also important for me to learn to distinguish between normal sadness and the hollowness of depression.

I am still experiencing bouts of tremendous sadness, grief and the loss of my relationship over one year ago. Every day in some significant way I long for or miss her company and presence in my life. I try and distinguish between this sadness, which is extremely painful, and the tremendous emptiness that comes with depression. The sadness is healthy and an important step in my grieving process.

Our relationship lasted for about five and a half years. Our time together was joyous, dynamic and full of energy. Our time together began to fall apart as my depression took hold of me. I became less happy in my expression and my presence was dull and lifeless. The change was just too much for her to bear. We parted ways and the heartache has nearly killed me on more than one occasion.

As I recover from this loss I have been handicapped by my intense and difficult to treat depression. It has corrupted the grieving process numerous times and continues to hinder a healthy recovery. I have written before of my struggles to find the medication that will provide long lasting and consistent relief. I have also written about my current course of trying ECT, Electro Convulsive Therapy, with great success.  But even with the success of these new treatments I can feel depression pulling me down.

I need to find some deep inner persistence. Some undying hopefulness. Some spark of energy that will keep me striving forward. I work on a daily basis to cultivate that undying persistence within my deepest self. The fight with depression is tenacious. Depression looms, ever persistent, to snatch joy and fulfillment from my fragile grasp. I need to develop the strength, ever persistent, to overcome the enemy that is depression.

Mindfullness and Visualization

Mindfullness and meditation go hand in hand with a healthy recovery from depression as well as many other conditions. When meditating I choose to be near or to at leasts visualize moving water.

The energy present in moving water, such as in fast sweeping rivers or cascading waterfalls, is incredibly  soothing as well as energizing. The act of sitting near a waterfall or river while engaging in a deep breathing exercise can be incredibly dynamic.

If you can't get to a river or waterfall the act of visualizing one can be just as rewarding. Creating a scene in your mind's eye and focusing on that image while meditating may bring you great reward. I often find that when I settle into a quiet spot, generate my mind's eye image of a waterfall or river and begin meditating with that image to guide me, my mindfullness exercise turns out to be extremely fulfilling.

Our minds are powerful tools to help us on our mindfullness journey. Our minds can create the sights and sounds we need to transport ourselves to our restful and restorative locations. We can direct ourselves to a riverside, waterfall, mountaintop or even a peaceful meadow to complete our mindfullness exercise and meditation. Visualizing our destinations can be just as rewarding and effective. Our meditations can become just as enriching and restorative with a bit of visualization and imagery. Remember, the sky is the limit to choosing your visualization when you practice mindfullness and meditation.

Sunny Disposition

After last weeks ECT, I had a wonderful weekend. I visited with friends and even played a game of golf. My spirits were light and sunny. I felt optimistic and very cheery.

ECT has really done wonders, with proper medication management of course. There is no replacement for a complete medication evaluation and program. The medications are still helping and needed.

I'm currently on 20mg of Propranolol, 200mg of Lamictal and 5mg of Abilify daily. While the low dose of Abilify is quite low in terms of possible doses it is providing a boost without producing the nasty side effects the 10mg dose left me fighting.

I am also taking a sleep aide, Doxepin, due to the problems I had developed in regards to falling and staying asleep. The fight with depression requires one to combat sleep problems and ensure a full and restful sleep pattern. I have achieved this and find myself achieving eight hours of sleep each night. There really is nothing quite as good as a good nights rest.

Hand in hand with good sleep is plenty of sun. Vitamin D from the sunshine is another great depression fighter. Whether I find myself playing golf, walking or riding my bike, soaking up the sun is vital. Sun worship is crucial to a healthy battle with depression, it really fights the blues. Get out there and soak up some rays.

ECT

Today will be my 14th ECT Treatment. Electro convulsive therapy is still somewhat controversial but proves to be be extremely effective at treating depression.

I was just in the hospital from the beginning of April until the middle of May. I was depressed and suicidal. Medications alone were not working for me any longer. My doctor suggested we try ECT since we were not seeing success with medications and talk therapy alone.

ECT has been extremely effective at lifting my deep, dark and suicidal depression. The first 8 treatments didn't really produce any marked results. The treatments from 8 until the present have indeed been life altering. I feel more hopeful. The depression has lifted markedly. Friends report that my face is more animated and that I appear more cheerful. ECT is really working.

I have had a few side effects from the treatment that have been troublesome. The first most prominent side effect is that after treatment I am left with a considerable headache. This headache will often last 24 to 48 hours.

The other side effect has been some problems with my short term memory and post treatment confusion. The confusion normally clears within 12 to 24 hours. The memory loss issues have been a little more long lasting. I have been told the memory loss will correct itself as the treatments lessen.

All in all I would highly recommend ECT treatment for people who are suffering with depression that is resisting medication treatment. It has made an enormous difference in my management of my mood.

Return

My last post was months ago. I went through a very good patch from November 2011 until January of 2012. Everything clicked along smoothly, personal life, work life and medications all seemed to gel nicely. Then I hit a snag.
It is hard to say what went wrong. I suddenly became aware that my depression had returned, I was isolating and I felt terrible. Lithium was not keeping my dark depression at bay. I was sleeping badly, eating poorly and my social life was non-existent.
Come March I was thinking about suicide on a daily basis. I was devising plans and writing my suicide letters by the end of the month. At the beginning of April I decided to end my life and went to my pre-chosen location and was going to hook up my vehicle and something stopped me.
Instead of taking my life I checked in with my medication manager at Acadia Hospital and was admitted to the hospital for observation. I spent close to six weeks admitted to Acadia Hospital for treatment of my depression and bipolar II disorder.
In the coming days and weeks I hope to return to writing about my experiences as I struggle with depression and bipolar II disorder. I will describe my travels as I have struggled; social problems, physical problems and the emotional pain of the condition. I will describe my journey towards finding the correct medication. I will also write about my experiences with some unconventional therapy.
I hope for this to again become a place for me to process the painful struggle that is depression and hopefully generate some sense of recovery and hopefulness in my daily life.