Capturing a Moment

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes of true mindfulness and capturing the moment. Focusing on the now, the right now, the immediate. Not allowing the mind to wander to past or future but to be completely in the present.

For me being on the motorcycle captures that in the moment exceptionally well. Right hand operating the throttle and the brake. Left hand operating the clutch. Right foot operating the rear brake. Left foot operating the shift lever. Each of my extremities is engaged, completely engaged, in keeping the motorcycle upright and heading in the proper direction.

I am trying to duplicate that feat with my morning and nightly meditation practice. Mindfulness comes easily on the bike, not so easy in the quiet of my small room. In the quiet, my mind takes flight and wanders. I'm drawn into the past by the entity, reminding me of all of my failures. The entity also beats my self esteem down all but sabotaging any positive future ventures.

I struggle to keep the focus on the present. Some days I am able to sustain my focus. Others, I can barely set my meditation stage. I know that I am still early in recovery and I should cut myself a break. I can't help but feel that the depression is winning.

But, I will work again at my meditation practice. I will set the stage of positive imagery and self talk. I will visualize the crisp blue sky, the cool tranquil lake, the deep green grass, the refreshing breeze on my body. "I am worthwhile", "I am valuable", "I am a good person who deserves good things". I will repeat these phrases as I breathe deeply...concentrating on the present, the here and now.

Remember,

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Seize the Positive

Birches by Matt May 2011

I met with my medication manager today and we are tweaking my regiment slightly. My depressed state is currently very fragile so we are venturing in small increments to help correct things without causing me any sudden downturns.

I am currently faced with a mid morning return of the anxious depressed state so we are augmenting more propranolol midday. If this doesn't help correct my path we will try and lessen the Abilify to better target its effect on seratonin output. I feel in exceptional hands. I feel heard and respected. I really can't say enough good things about Acadia Hospital.

That brings me to seizing the positive. My medication manager believes that positive self talk is as important to regulation of biochemical responses as medications. I'm glad he does because so do I.

Since my second week in hospital I have been focusing on sending myself positive self talk messages. They come with great difficulty as depression lays waste to any semblance of self esteem, but I'm "faking it until I make it", as my manager likes to say. I agree. Right now it feels like faking, but there are amazing glimmers of thought that warm and console.

My day today was a nice reprieve from the heavy depressed darkness of yesterday. My mood jiggered along through the day maintaining good nature through a good portion of it. Occasionally, I could feel sullen mood and the entity rising and I would positive think my way in the opposite direction. While this requires a great deal of energy the effect is so worth the efforts!

I can turn a poor day into a nice day simply by working to direct my thoughts. Now, this doesn't always work out as yesterday bore true to me. No matter how positive I tried to be I just couldn't fully internalize the positive thoughts. Depression can be so slithering and destructive. So, on days that positive self talk doesn't work I will just embrace the depression for the time being, knowing that in time the pain will ease a bit.

Here is wishing you a positive day!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

The Struggle With Darkness

Like rust rising up through a painted surface it is back. Heavy thoughts of hopelessness, worthlessness and dread. Even thoughts of suicide have returned, the feeling of a need to silence the pain of such a terrible struggle.

I'm reading William Styron's memoir, "Darkness Visible". It is helpful to read the words of a fellow traveller's battle with this awful condition of depression. Especially when I find myself in such a dark state. Depression is counter intuitive, invasive, destructive, seductive, tricky, painful and obliterates each joyous thought.

Styron explains the deep and paralyzing pain this condition throws at the sufferer. As I read I feel less alone, less isolated and less afraid. I must say however, I long for a quick solution, though I know one is not coming. Time, patience and a great deal of energy will be required to beat this.

Today was filled with pain and darkness. The day was bright, sunny with a rich blue sky, but I was overcome with the dread of depression. My actions were confused, erratic and indecisive. One moment I wanted to be out and social, the next I was longing for the darkness of an isolated room. The pain of loss and separation was mixed with heavy thoughts of personal failure.

No matter what I did I was not able to find comfort, solace or quiet. My mind busily clattered away all day in darkness and carried on into the preparation for my daily blog update. Another day of no comfort. Another day of dark confusion. Another day of heart aching suffering.

I can't attribute anything to this outbreak. My exercise plan is going well, with one hour walk daily. My mindfulness practice is on schedule too. No changes in medication or diet. My sleep was a bit more disturbed than usual but I awoke feeling rested. I have no answers.

Just pain and anguish today.

Creativity

Journey Stones by Matt June 2011

Accompanying this post is a photo I took today during my exploration of Acadia National Park. Funny, I was supposed to be in Augusta but I changed my plans early morning, then I received a surprise phone call and I was off to a national park for the day.

This photo represents a portion of my recovery that has yet been unstated. That portion is my deep need to create. John Folk-Williams has a number of posts concerning creativity and depression at his wonderful site, Storied Mind. I encourage you to visit.

I have come to realize that my fight with depression needs to contain a creative outlet. Writing this blog was the first step in that recovery process, my photos are another. I find that when I write or am seeking a new photo my inner concentration is so pinpointed as to disrupt the flood of depressive negative thoughts. When my mind is in this concentrated state seeking a positive creative place I am able to find a bit of a reprieve from all of the depressions negative self talk.

In essence, the swirl of creativity provides me with peace. The action of blocking time to plan my writing,  outline the general piece and write the post is extremely gratifying. Amidst the confusion of my depressed state of mind I am finding clarity in these exercises.

I am hopeful that the exercise of writing my thoughts and feelings as I recover from depression in this blog are helpful to some. This journey is so exceptionally painful, agonizing and numbing that I'm certain over the the coming year many posts will be hard to read and write. I hope you bear with me. I am finding that so little is known about true depression, the gut wrenching clinical depression that goes beyond the blues, and maybe my words will help others feel less alone in their struggles.

As I search for fellow travelers who are afflicted with this incredible pain I see a void of documented survival stories. I must say this worries me. There have certainly been many high profile creative minds that have succumbed to depression. I'm hopeful of finding a few that have lived to tell the tale.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Creating Quiet Amidst The Falls

Screw Auger Falls by Matt June 2011

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes, "Our actions are all too frequently driven rather than undertaken in awareness, driven by those perfectly ordinary thoughts and impulses that run through the mind like a coursing river, if not a waterfall." This rings so true for me as I transition to a new life of separation and recovery.

As I engage in "mindfulness practice", I am constantly challenged when trying to create a quiet safe place free of busy thoughts. Negative self talk, worries over finances, reconnecting relationship connections, should dos and to dos all attack with a vengeance as I try and create a sense of calm. These ordinary thoughts awaken like rambunctious children seeking attention.

I'm cultivating the skills of being able to pull myself from the sweeping current, climb upon the banks and merely sit and observe. By being present and seeing, hearing and re-energizing from the passing experiences my recovery will be attained. This takes energy. Energy that I don't always have.

Depression is the great energy hog. For an entity that really does nothing useful, he sure uses a great deal of my energy reserves. This is why, regardless of my energy level, I have now committed twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes at night of mindfulness practice. The same practice I outlined earlier in the post, "Mindfulness".

Like my commitment to writing this blog, my commitment to practicing mindfulness will undoubtedly improve my state of mind and heart. As I continue my venture towards a steady habit of mindfulness meditation I will keep you all informed.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

True Nature

I'm reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's wonderful book on mindfulness titled, Wherever You Go There You Are. Now I have my own mindfulness practice that I have been trying to engage in each morning and night. When I am able to string a few of these sessions together I feel remarkably better. I feel clearer and more confident. The problems I am having are that depression inhibits my progress and my life situation is quite tumultuous.

Jon writes, "Mindfulness is fundamentally about being in touch with your own deepest nature and letting it flow out of you unimpeded." This is where depression can corrupt the process. I'm still very early in dealing with my illness and the recovery process is definitely not a smooth uphill climb. Instead it is like a roller coaster with peaks and valleys. I can see however that the ride is headed in an upwardly progressive direction. However, I am still only able to catch small glimpses of the true me I know is deep within.

I remember the true me, light hearted, happy and confident. He is inside and I know that, but my illness right now is still partially in control. My mindfulness sessions are helpful, but the depression's negative self talk is crippling. The feelings of low self esteem are paralyzing. They slow me from being social, shopping for groceries and doing laundry. They make each simple task a challenge.

The other problem I face is not remaining rooted in the present. Mindfulness is about the present, not the past or the future. This is where I can derail right now. My illness has led to some major disconnections with very important people in my life. I find myself swirling about in the past rehashing with myself all of my mistakes and withdrawals from living. I am also trying to sort out my future with a whole list of "shoulds and what ifs". I need to focus on myself in the present, how I feel, think, believe.

I'm getting there in small steps, but the climb out of depression is agonizing. The entity is always right behind wanting to pull me down again. I need to keep Jon's words in the front of my mind, "The overall tenor of mindfulness practice is gentle, appreciative and nurturing."

Take Care of Yourselves!

Loss

Loss. Due to different circumstances, including severe depression, I surrendered my dogs today to a great shelter with guaranteed homes. I'm in a housing situation that just can't support two full sized dogs. My friends can no longer house them while I work through my recovery.

My depression led me to this place. My disconnection, apathy and removing myself from intimate contacts carried me to this step. I can't express how badly this hurt. I know this is the best path for them as I'm unable to care for myself or them right now. They are headed for wonderful loving homes and that is my only positive feeling about losing my friends of 16 year.

I exhausted my search locally through my vet, kennel and friends. I even exhausted efforts through state run  retriever foundations. In the end I chose a "No Kill Refuge" to surrender my girls. They are extremely nice folks who love animals.

This was one of the most painful days I have ever experienced.

I really have nothing else to say.