After my six weeks of hospitalization many friends revealed how in the dark they truly were about my depressed state. I had managed to hide my struggles with depression from even those closest to me. They knew I was struggling with a depressed mood, they just didn't know how badly I was falling.
This ability to hide my depression is one of my greatest weaknesses. This inability to seek help and counsel nearly cost me my life. I don't know if this condition stems from the deep sense of shame, personal failure or social stigma. I have been wrestling with this question since entering the hospital for this last recovery.
I think it all evolves from my upbringing. I was raised in a family that forged ahead even through the darkest struggles. You dusted yourself off and plowed headlong into the challenges presented to you. It was vital to place a bright and shiny image on all facets of family life.
Now in my adulthood I need to overcome this condition. I need to find some way of confiding in those close to me, even to my therapist, how my depression is effecting me on a daily basis. I need to be honest and open about my struggles with this mental condition and overlook the social stigma that accompanies it. I need to do this in order to remain alive, content and out of hospital.
I can't afford these stumbles that lead to prolonged hospitalization and lost income. I also need to get this condition in check if I am ever to have a happy and healthy relationship again. There are so many things I want to do with my life now. There are so many places I want to return to to visit. I want to snorkel in Bonaire. I want to own a Harley Davidson. I want to own a dog. The list is endless.
I am hopeful this last trip through the recovery process has placed me on a healthy course towards a full recovery. Each day as I move forward I am feeling abit brighter and more hopeful. Even though I am faced with a number of personal challenges, I feel great and wonderful things await me to experience again.
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