Fading Anger

It has been a couple of weeks now since lowering my dosage of Lexapro, which is an antidepressant. I made this move after lengthy consultation with my doctor. We made this decision based on signs that depression was not the root cause of my mood disorder and that bipolar mixed state was fueling my anger and irritability.

It looks like the bet is paying off. My mood is much calmer with less situational irritability and underlying anger. I'm beginning to feel like myself again, slowly but surely.

I'm certain it isn't just the medication changes. I'm still meditating twice a day, walking once a day and making sure my sleep is recooperative. The sleep has become my least worry as it seems to come easily and I'm sleeping through the night. The exercise takes committment, it is easy to want to skip walks and rides. My meditation practice has really been an easy change to make, morning and night blends into my lifestyle quite nicely.

I think moving forward my primary worry is dealing with the grief. I have just begun to uncap that and allow myself to actually feel it. I have said before it is refreshing to feel, as living with depression was mind numbing, but the strength of the grief is frightening. I feel like I need to take this journey in small easy steps. My worry is that it could tumble me back down into another major depression. While hospitalization was extremely helpful, I don't want to return to that any time soon.

So, I will keep keeping on and moving forward little by little. Here is to another good day and a brighter future, one can only hope!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Weekends

Weekends are still hard. Struggling with mental health is a real challenge. The work week brings with it its own set of challenges, but the weekends are the hardest.

The work week brings the focus of work and a schedule of tasks to complete. My weeks are typically very busy and my appointment schedule keeps me moving rather quickly to keep up.

The busy weeks don't let my mind wander too much, which is a real blessing. I'm too busy to slow down and ponder my living situation, mental health and the grief I'm still wading through. That all changes come the weekend.

I work pretty hard to set a schedule for myself during the weekends to avoid downtime. Visiting a few friends, laundry, and exercise keep me rather busy. The evenings and the holes during the day are tough. I know I should be allowing myself to feel the grief, the pain, the anguish.The hard part is that it just hurts badly and I want to avoid it. I want to run from it. I just can't let myself go with it. I miss my partner just too damn much and I can't let myself feel that terrible missing her.

Music and Grief

Have you ever noticed that much of the music we listen to involves romantic attachment?  Breakups, love, reuniting, the heartache of missing the one we love and endless other romantically entwined topics are riddled throughout music.

I spend a great deal of time in my car as a sales rep and there was a time when my iPod was my best friend. These days he is a taunting adversary.

Each song that comes up covers the painful topics of love, longing and lust. From Jack Johnson to the Maccabees to the Zolas I can't escape it. I have reflashed and reloaded my iPod countless times lately to no avail. John Mayer reminds me of what a loser I feel like losing my one true love. Jason Mraz tells me how great the sex was and how empty I now feel missing it. Jack Johnson speaks to the incredible comfort of having the one true partner to just hang with. The music is relentless!

I find that more often than not I ride in silence. Even Cake caught me off guard with a song about how miserable mere friendship is compared with a deep romantic connection. This is all just music, don't even get me started on movies. How I long for silence!

Mountain Biking

In an effort to combat my depression and other effects of my condition I returned to daily walks a few weeks back. Walking is great but can become rather dull.

So, in an effort to fight off the boredom of daily walks I have begun using my mountain bike as an alternative. There is really something magical about riding a bike. Riding a bike captures such joy and freedom that it is hard to put into words.

I use the bike on the weekends, as it is difficult to fit into my schedule during the weekdays. I rode ten miles Saturday and fifteen miles today. Riding was a real blast. The cadence of the pedals and the spin of the wheels just feels great. So different from walking.

Riding on the weekends feels like I'm treating myself to something special. Biking, compared with walking, feels like I'm spoiling myself. I feel like my legs are getting a much better workout when I bike and my cardio feels better too.

All in all, whether it is my daily weekday walks or weekend bike rides, the exercise is helping me to feel better slowly but surely. So I will continue both religiously as my recovery is top priority.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Seeking Questions

Everyone seeks answers to the questions they formulate in their minds. Jon Kabat-Zinn recommends seeking questions through the process of inquiry in our daily meditations.

He equates the process to allowing our minds to formulate questions and then sitting and watching as they flow like a river around the rocks within. We sit listening, watching as our questions move about swirling and flowing past. We aren't tied to selecting the right answer, rather by watching as our questions dip and dive about the answers will make themselves clear to us.

This of course requires time and patience. The time has not been a problem as I have blocked my meditations to very convenient times morning and night. The patience however is a challenge. My life is in chaos and disarray and I want answers desperately. I hunger for answers to my problems and nothing comes as of yet.

I follow Jon's advice and continue to seek questions, ponder the questions over and over, continue to ask and dig deep below the immediate surface. I know in time clarity will arrive and answers will fall into place. For me now there is alot of time simply being present in an uncomfortable state that will eventually pass. One hopes.

Hurdles

It feels like I am getting a handle on my depression and Bipolar Disorder but I have a number of hurdles still to navigate. Grief being the primary state that nowadays throws me the meanest punch.

Separations are never easy and this one is no picnic. Morning, noon and night I am consumed with feelings for my ex partner. The sadness is almost tangible, like a heavy cloud that surrounds me all of the time, you can almost see it.

I have no doubt that those around me can sense my sorrow at losing my relationship with the best partner I have ever known. The sorrow can cripple and paralyze with sweeping speed and force.

I miss so many things about her it is hard to describe in mere words. Her presence was beyond description and the power she held over me was lovely. I cherished each and every moment with her, from the simple pleasantries of the morning to the passionate sex. The emptiness that her leaving me has left me with is the deepest most pervasive pain I have ever felt.

Grieving her loss is the longest stretch of hurdles I will run in my recovery. There is no end in sight, as a matter of fact I don't even feel I have left the start blocks yet. I don't feel I have even begun to deal with our parting. I have on some levels, the pain tells me this, but I don't feel I have started to really deal with the magnitude of my losing her.

The Climb

It has been 5 days since switching my medications. I believe I am now on the right track. I don't believe I'm battling traditional depression.

I now believe that Bipolar II with Mixed State is the correct diagnosis. It is important to get the diagnosis correct because traditional antidepressant medications can worsen traditional depression.

The reason I floundered and worsened for so long is that the traditional antidepressants could have been fueling the depression and agitation.

Since backing off the Lexapro I can feel my agitation and irritability lessening. Each day I feel a little bit more of a relief from those symptoms. Each day I feel a little bit clearer and less tied in knots.

As the Lexapro is continued to be cut back I may need to add another medication. Lithium would be the drug of choice as it is exceptional at helping people with my disorder. It is a very good mood stabilizer and does not have the potential problems of a traditional antidepressant.

Today feels brighter and more hopeful. I plan on continuing my walking schedule, that must also be helping. The day is bright and sunny so a walk in the forest is due.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Adjustments

It is time for an adjustment to my medications. I am tolerating the increase in the Abilify, now it is time to reduce the Lexapro. This is a slow and methodical process that requires a great deal of patience.

The goal is to target the Bipolar symptoms and still cover my depression. The Lexapro is the most likely culprit that is escalating my agitation and irritability. Hopefully a lower dosage will still target my depressed symptoms without revving me up.

If the depression worsens we will move to a more standard Bipolar treatment. That would mean switching from Lexapro to either Lamictal or Lithium. At this point it doesn't matter what I'm taking or what they call the disorder I just want relief.

I feel hopeful that recovery is possible. I have a mountain of transitions still in front of me, but I feel like I can sense hope. It is still too early to see long term gains, I'm still focused on day to day survival.

Suicidal thoughts still plague me on a daily basis. Multiple stresses still bother my daily life, but I'm beginning to sense some clarity. I have moments in my day of true peace. I still have a mountain of grief over losing my partner, the pain at times is unbearable. But I'm hopeful that in time it will lessen. I'm hopeful that the early stages of recovery are close.

For the first time in weeks I sense that my life is improving, just a little, but it is a start. I know it may well become messier before it improves, that is the nature of recovery. But I feel hopeful.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Walking

So, sliding into Friday I realized I was feeling abit better. The migraines were gone, my depression seemed to have eased some and my agitation was manageable, to a degree.

I decided I needed to increase my energy by refocusing attention on exercise. I resumed daily walks for an hour. I had eased my walks back to only a few times per week due to work and other stresses.

It is tremendously simple to walk when you are feeling good. It is unbelievably difficult to walk when energy is low, depression is in full swing and my agitation is sky high. Throw into the mix bad weather and challenges begin to mount. But no more excuses. I will walk daily for one hour.

They say exercise is critical for combating depression. I know there is truth to that because when my walking schedule was at its fullest of every day per week I was feeling better. We had a stretch of extremely hot and wet weather that derailed my schedule. I don't feel that led entirely to my downward turn, but it may have been contributing.

So, one hour per day for seven days a week. I walk in the city forest as there are a number of directions and loops to take. Not to mention they have a great bog walk on a man made wooden walkway. Walking on the wooden bog walk is truly wonderful with numerous pretty sights to see. Plus the sound of my footfalls on the wooden surface is exceptionally therapeutic, almost trancelike and peaceful.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Transitions

So, I'm feeling a little better today. In large part because I met with my therapist and he sheds some great light on my current situation. I mustn't rush to try and feel better by flying past crucial stages of grieving.

My underlying agitation could well be stemming from my current state of multiple transitions. Everything in my life is in transition; home, relationship, work, pets and my health.

Any one of these life situations could cause a person undo stress and agitation. Add them all together and it's no surprise that I'm climbing out of my skin.

His recommendation is to continue to meditate and find moments of joy in my current life. Things like pizza with friends, golf night, and motorcycle rides need to be points of highlighted joy and thankfulness. I also need to embrace my time alone, as painful as it is right now. Until I can be truly comfortable in my own skin all alone I won't be any good to anyone else.

For me right now that is the hardest time. Time spent alone brings up so many painful feelings. I need to come to terms with those feelings and cycle through the grief. If I don't I may well end up getting stuck. I need to stop pushing the sad feelings down when they arise, instead I need to embrace them in the moment, feel them, process them and try to move on.

Dark Journey

Well, the migraines have subsided, but my mood is still primarily dark. I can't seem to shake feeling down and depressed.

Even my meditation time has felt heavy and burdened. With my "mind in the moment" mindset I'm just trying to roll through it without fighting too much.

From the moment I'm waking till the moment I close my eyes at night I feel like a failure. I can't help but feel I screwed up the best relationship I ever had. I don't feel especially hopeful.

Funny, since the title of this blog is a hope filled life. I haven't felt especially hopeful lately and apologize for the dark tone of my posts.

I keep hoping that the pain, grief, depression, numbness and self loathing will cease. No luck on that front. Each day feels as heavy as the last. Each day feels burdened with just trying to survive. Work, eating, moving, sitting and virtually all activity is filled with dread and heaviness. Terrible really. I yearn for relief.

Mind Over Matter

Someone told me that feeling better is just a matter of mind over matter. Then, a few days later, I found the attached cartoon by Gary Larson. I had to laugh.

Mental illness is just like that post.  One simply can't pretend it isn't there and forge through the struggle unaffected. In order to come to terms with my illness I can't force myself to overcome it. I must instead come to terms with it and understand it.

Don't get me wrong, a positive mental outlook is important to hone. That is why I'm so invested in meditation. But our perceptions need to be realistic and grounded.

I can't will myself through a difficult day by grasping onto a mind over matter mentality. That would be the equivalent of trying to walk through a post!

I can however encourage myself to be positive and mindful when my days are struggles over my dark passenger. Depression is tremendously insidious that way. It digs in a stays awhile. Simply taking the mind over matter approach would neglect the root causes of why I feel so bad.

So instead of a mind over matter approach I think I'm taking a mind in the moment approach. I'm choosing to look my illness dead in the face with all of its ugliness and heartache. I do this with the hope of breaking through and being able to navigate past the post towards happier days.