It has been quite some time since I have added an entry to my blog. My last entry was July and a great deal has happened since then. Most importantly my depression is firmly and soundly under full control.

As many of you know I began a course of treatment with ECT, Electro Convulsive Therapy.
Since July I have had one treatment every four weeks. The treatments have all been fairly routine, except for one treatment in October, more about that later.

My treating physician believes that one more treatment in November should be just enough for us to take a break and see how well my depression can be managed. I'm very confident that the depression will stay at bay, as I approach each new session my mood has been stable. Maintaining my mood is a very good sign as it seems to mean that the ECT is having a lasting impression on my overall mood.

As a very good friend has said, I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting. Most importantly I'm physically active many times per week. I have a great friend that I hike and bike with. She has been great for helping me establish my new regiment of physical exercise. Not to mention she is incredibly fun to be around.

Exercise and getting out in the sunshine are vital ingredients to my successful treatment. Maintaining a physical exercise program is key to helping our bodies maintain their feel good emotions. I find times during the week to hike various trails I pass and am also often able to break my bike out for a few rides.

I have also made some considerable diet changes. I have cut back on my fast food intake and have started cooking more meals for myself at home. This is a challenge when you live alone, as cooking a meal is often times more food than one person needs, but it allows me to include more fresh fruit and vegetables which are vital in helping maintain a stable mood. Fast food is not the greatest for controlling weight gain or staying healthy.

So, overall my mood has maintained, my exercise program has been stable, my friends have been helpful and I'm very optimistic for a bright and wonderful future. Each day life improves just a little bit, but it is positive forward progress which is great. I look forward to many bright days ahead!

Drama Free Zone

Why is it that some people just thrive on drama? Living a life in recovery from depression can be dramatic enough as it is. I look for ways to bring calmness and stability to my life, not strive to turn it upside down.

I am fortunate to have numerous friends who have been tremendously supportive of my journey as I strive to recover from depression. It has been a bumpy road, spiritually, financially and socially. The journey has been filled with stellar friendships and unfortunately a few duds.

I have no place for over dramatic people in my life. I need stable people, emotionally and spiritually to help me get myself in a better place. Recovery is hard work without the downward pull of a drama infused life. That downward pull of drama can be utterly destructive.

I take this time to thank all of those supportive people in my life who have made the difference between life and death. You all know who you are and how much you have done for me. Without your presence, guidance and support I would be lost and most likely gone from this world.

I also take this time to send a message to all of the drama seekers out there. Please move on to someone who enjoys the games and manipulation. I don't have the energy or the time to engage in the dramatic gameplay.

Healthy Nutrition

I have been doing a great deal of reading on the internet regarding proper nutrition for the depressed person. It is an area that I need to improve upon, primarily due to my rigorous work schedule of being on the road a great deal. I am prone to eating quick and easily purchased meals that are a direct opposite of the recommended diet for those of us fighting depression.

I find that due to conveinence I am eating a great deal of processed and sugary foods. While the simple carbohydrate foods provide a quick and positive mood boost they also come with a rather quick crash. This short term cure is really one to be avoided. Avoided due to the rapid cycling that occurrs with this form of diet.

A better solution is to search out complex carbohydrates. These complex carbohydrates, things like whole grains, leafy greens, pasta, cereals and fruits, provide a moderate mood boost but one that is long term and more stable without the rapid cycling.

I have incorporated more complex foods that I love but have often overlooked. Foods like bananas, avocados, chicken and cereals. In an effort to eat healthy while on the road I have begun to search out Subways and chain restaurants where I can order a salad. Also, another great nutrition tip for those struggling with depression is to ensure you consume enough water during the day. Remaining hydrated will help to keep your mood regulated just as much as eating the correct foods.

A few things to also consider is to limit certain food groups. Avoiding sugary and processed foods, caffeine and alcohol will keep those rapid cycling moods at bay. Avoiding these foods will also help your body to feel more refreshed and ensure a positive restorative sleeping pattern. The foods that produce rapid mood cycling tend to cause more disruptions to a healthy sleep.

So, eat healthy, drink healthy and sleep more completely. This will no doubt help with a stable positive mood and a reduction in cycles of depression. What we put into our body has a direct relation to what we get out of it! Here is to good nutrition, eat smart and stay happy!

The Path Less Traveled

The path less traveled is the perfect cure to the emotional trend of depression. While all of the medication management is helpful, the ECT is working wonders and socializing with friends is boosting my spirits, sometimes it is just not enough.

I have found that a good round of golf can really help, but a nice prolonged hike down an unfamiliar path is just the thing to help fight the blues. Physical exercise is just the ticket to get the blood pumping and those happy endorphins flowing.

Acadia National Park is one of the best destinations as there are so many unknown trails to explore. It is great finding that new and exciting path. The paths less traveled have a way of keeping your mind focused on the surroundings and the journey and off all of those mundane problems that nag at us in our sedentary moments.

Keeping focused on where we step, place our feet and just follow the correct course can be very invigorating. It can also be very freeing and liberating. I get to leave all of the crap behind and really engage with my surroundings. I am able to delve into the beauty of the stones, trees and sky. I am lucky enough to be able to breathe it all in and come away refreshed and invigorated. So, get out there and find a path less traveled...you will not regret the adventure!

Masks

Masks. One of my great struggles with close friends has been being honest about my depression. Even at my worst and lowest moments, even as I neared acting on my suicidal plan, I behaved normally. My depression was deeply hidden for the most part.

After my six weeks of hospitalization many friends revealed how in the dark they truly were about my depressed state. I had managed to hide my struggles with depression from even those closest to me. They knew I was struggling with a depressed mood, they just didn't know how badly I was falling.

This ability to hide my depression is one of my greatest weaknesses. This inability to seek help and counsel nearly cost me my life. I don't know if this condition stems from the deep sense of shame, personal failure or social stigma. I have been wrestling with this question since entering the hospital for this last recovery.

I think it all evolves from my upbringing. I was raised in a family that forged ahead even through the darkest struggles. You dusted yourself off and plowed headlong into the challenges presented to you. It was vital to place a bright and shiny image on all facets of family life.

Now in my adulthood I need to overcome this condition. I need to find some way of confiding in those close to me, even to my therapist, how my depression is effecting me on a daily basis. I need to be honest and open about my struggles with this mental condition and overlook the social stigma that accompanies it. I need to do this in order to remain alive, content and out of hospital.

I can't afford these stumbles that lead to prolonged hospitalization and lost income. I also need to get this condition in check if I am ever to have a happy and healthy relationship again. There are so many things I want to do with my life now. There are so many places I want to return to to visit. I want to snorkel in Bonaire. I want to own a Harley Davidson. I want to own a dog. The list is endless.

I am hopeful this last trip through the recovery process has placed me on a healthy course towards a full recovery. Each day as I move forward I am feeling abit brighter and more hopeful. Even though I am faced with a number of personal challenges, I feel great and wonderful things await me to experience again.

Hopefulness

It is amazing how hopefulness has come storming back with a fury. I had been as deeply depressed as I have ever experienced. Suicidal does not even begin to express how low I had fallen. Nothing was pulling me out, exercise, medications and even talk therapy were not helping. Then came ECT.

With ECT I have come full circle and am again flying high and full of hope and confidence. Even though I have worries about my life, finances, relationships and friendships, I'm flying high and hopeful. I am able to keep everything in perspective. Stressful events don't bring me crashing down into a flaming heap. Life just doesn't bug me or tear me apart like it once did.

I have the deepest urge to keep on living and experiencing things in life around me. I don't want to quit out. There are a litany of things I want to do before I end my time here and I don't want my time to end anytime soon. I feel a new zest for living, a new hunger for participating. It feels really good.

Many things other than ECT have contributed to my new found state of being. For one thing I have reduced my alcohol consumption to two drinks a weekend and none during the weekdays. I am also watching my diet much closer and not over eating to excess. Along with those changes my medications are now tweaked to provide me with better support. The new regiment really seems to be helping to keep my mood up.

All in all I feel like a new person who has just made a great discovery. I want to live! There is allot that I can be sad about, but I choose to look to the brighter skies and be hopeful. Life is getting better and my hopeful happy days are swiftly returning. Here's to brighter days for all!

Grief

Slightly over one year ago my partner broke up with me. We were together for over five years and had a wonderful relationship. Depression creeped in however and spoiled me. I became a different person. A person she no longer wanted to live with. It was devastating.

I write about that separation now here over one year later because that break up is still effecting my recovery from depression. As I endure the ECT treatments that are correcting my depression, the sadness from the split still envelopes me on a daily basis.

I write these words in hopes that those of you out there struggling with grief will learn that there is no correct timeline for recovery. Obviously, we all want to return to a positive state of emotional health. We must learn, however, that the grief process takes time.

I have not dated since the split as I have not had the emotional energy for that activity yet. I still have a great deal of emotion that is tied to that broken relationship that I have yet to heal from. I know that one day soon I will be ready, I just don't know when.

It is important for us, as we recover from depression, to distinguish between deep depression and unresolved grieving. In our hurry to extinguish the heavy sadness that comes with depression we don't want to eclipse the necessary pain of the grieving process. It is difficult to pinpoint that fine line, but I think when each of us holds up the sadness to a full examination we can tell which is grief and which is sadness. I believe we know what the necessary pain of grieving feels like, before and after our expression of it.

When we deal with the pain of grieving sadness we often feel better afterwards. We feel lighter, brighter as if the world is a clearer place for us. We have with depression no such resolution or brightness. Depression is a trap of darkness that we need to avoid. So, my friends, dig into those unresolved grief issues of sadness and begin to unlock brighter, more resolved and happier days!

Isolation

One of the greatest battles I continually wage against depression is isolation. Isolation is depressions great trickster. Isolation promises us so much in the way of relief from our symptoms it is hard to resist. We are lured into it by the illusion of relief, comfort and restoration, only to be tripped into despair.

In fact I can think of nothing more destructive to a depressed person than the act of isolating. When we isolate we disconnect from all that holds us into living a normal life. We leave our friends, partners and workmates behind with our silence.

Isolation removes us from the vitality and energy that is truly restorative and energizing to our spirits. However, when we are deeply depressed and sliding into that abyss, isolation seems like a port in the storm. Like a siren's song, isolation lures us onto its rocky shores to meet our demise. We must call upon our friends, partners and workmates as we drift onto the shores of isolation.

The only way to combat the lure of isolation is to develop a sound safety plan, much like Ulysses did when he encountered the sirens calling him to their rocky shoreline. In order to hear the siren's song and remain safe and sound he ordered his shipmates to fasten him to the mast of the ship they travelled aboard. He also ordered his men to plug their ears with wax and disregard his calls to them for release. His plan worked and he was safely able to hear the siren's song while his men carried on around him. That is what a sound safety plan will do for us, keep us safe and sound while our friends come to our aid.

In order to combat isolation we must enlist our friends, partners and workmates to protect us against the siren song of isolation. Communication to a close circle of friends some danger signs of our slide into isolation is what we require to remain safe. We need them to help pull us up and out of our isolating behaviors. Then and only then can we continue to keep depression at bay and the lure of the siren song of isolation free from derailing our recovery.

Struggles

Living life with depression, even when it is well treated, brings with it enormous struggles. When living a so called normal life, struggles are present. We all have bills to pay, relationships to cultivate and careers to maintain. A life tainted by depression and bipolar II disorder creates significant challenges.

As I am undergoing ECT treatment for my depression a few things have become clear. My depression is lifting, thankfully. However confusion, memory loss and headaches have entered my daily living with damaging results. The struggles these side effects have produced make my daily life an even greater struggle.

My normal work day has become a consistent struggle to keep pace with simple tasks. The act of scheduling appointments, answering phone calls and designing simple systems have all become considerable tasks. These daily tasks were once second nature to me, but performing them as I struggle with depression has been difficult.

Bills have also become quite a burden. As a sales representative my livelihood comes from commissions. The months leading up to my recent hospitalization were extremely barren. I watched as my savings disappeared. Take into account six weeks of out of work hospitalization and two weeks of extensive outpatient therapy and you can imagine the financial impact depression would have on my financial solvency. My depression and my new treatments for depression have directly impacted my earning ability as well as my ability to pay my debts.

Relationship building is another area that depression has taken a negative toll. Depression brings with it the desire and reaction to isolate from others. The act of getting out to spend time with current friends is negatively impacted, let alone finding and building new relationships. Stresses over my mental health and financial standing often prevent me from getting out and socializing. I find that I really need to push myself extra hard to socialize consistently. I'm very lucky to have a handful of friends who understand this about me and really help to get me out and moving.

All in all these struggles may seem typical and ordinary. I can assure you that enduring the struggles with depression and bipolar II disorder are concentrated. The daily struggles invade every action from preparing my work day materials, socializing and communicating with others and simply having enough financial solvency to fuel my vehicle for needed sales calls. The struggles that come with depression and bipolar II disorder are exhausting.

I am hopeful, however, that with continued ECT treatment and a revised medication regiment that the struggles will become easier. As I feel my depression lifting and all of these struggles become simpler to endure and overcome that life will brighten. As my depression continues to evaporate and my everyday life becomes more normal and consistent I truly believe that great things await.

ECT Effects

I have been receiving ECT, Electro Convulsive Therapy, for a number of weeks now. I am currently ready to receive my 16th treatment this coming week. I was warned about some potential side effects that might become obvious as the treatments progressed. Some are indeed beginning to make themselves known.

I began ECT as conventional medication and talk therapy treatment was not effective in treating my complex depression and bipolar II disorder. I was in a deep suicidal depression. I had written my suicide notes to family and friends, placed them all so as to be found, purchased materials so as to carbon monoxide poison myself and had prepared myself to commit the final act. It was by some higher power that forces intercepted my suicidal path and prevented certain disaster. Clearly, ECT was warranted in treating my severe condition.

I am pleased to report that ECT has done wonders for me and my psychological state. My depression is now manageable and medications are now creating a positive response in keeping things under control. The downside is that some side effects have started to show up.

I began noticing the side effects as I returned to work. The first and most troubling is memory loss. I have been known in my workplace as a memory machine, able to juggle complex tasks, remember clients names and vital information and keep intricate details of designed systems at my mental fingertips. This task is now severely compromised.

I am finding simple tasks difficult, such as remembering peoples names, work place tasks and procedures and simple paperwork responsibilities. Remembering the details of my work day is also very tough and frustrating. A function that I used to excel at.

Concentration is also hard. I am finding that reading simple text, writing this blog and writing work place documents is a herculean effort. Again, tasks that I used to excel at and that came quite easily for me.

I am hopeful that once we reach the final therapeutic treatment of ECT that my memory and concentration will return to normal. I will keep you all posted as I progress with the treatments.

Persistence

I need to discover some method of keeping my hopefulness as persistent as my depression. It is also important for me to learn to distinguish between normal sadness and the hollowness of depression.

I am still experiencing bouts of tremendous sadness, grief and the loss of my relationship over one year ago. Every day in some significant way I long for or miss her company and presence in my life. I try and distinguish between this sadness, which is extremely painful, and the tremendous emptiness that comes with depression. The sadness is healthy and an important step in my grieving process.

Our relationship lasted for about five and a half years. Our time together was joyous, dynamic and full of energy. Our time together began to fall apart as my depression took hold of me. I became less happy in my expression and my presence was dull and lifeless. The change was just too much for her to bear. We parted ways and the heartache has nearly killed me on more than one occasion.

As I recover from this loss I have been handicapped by my intense and difficult to treat depression. It has corrupted the grieving process numerous times and continues to hinder a healthy recovery. I have written before of my struggles to find the medication that will provide long lasting and consistent relief. I have also written about my current course of trying ECT, Electro Convulsive Therapy, with great success.  But even with the success of these new treatments I can feel depression pulling me down.

I need to find some deep inner persistence. Some undying hopefulness. Some spark of energy that will keep me striving forward. I work on a daily basis to cultivate that undying persistence within my deepest self. The fight with depression is tenacious. Depression looms, ever persistent, to snatch joy and fulfillment from my fragile grasp. I need to develop the strength, ever persistent, to overcome the enemy that is depression.

Mindfullness and Visualization

Mindfullness and meditation go hand in hand with a healthy recovery from depression as well as many other conditions. When meditating I choose to be near or to at leasts visualize moving water.

The energy present in moving water, such as in fast sweeping rivers or cascading waterfalls, is incredibly  soothing as well as energizing. The act of sitting near a waterfall or river while engaging in a deep breathing exercise can be incredibly dynamic.

If you can't get to a river or waterfall the act of visualizing one can be just as rewarding. Creating a scene in your mind's eye and focusing on that image while meditating may bring you great reward. I often find that when I settle into a quiet spot, generate my mind's eye image of a waterfall or river and begin meditating with that image to guide me, my mindfullness exercise turns out to be extremely fulfilling.

Our minds are powerful tools to help us on our mindfullness journey. Our minds can create the sights and sounds we need to transport ourselves to our restful and restorative locations. We can direct ourselves to a riverside, waterfall, mountaintop or even a peaceful meadow to complete our mindfullness exercise and meditation. Visualizing our destinations can be just as rewarding and effective. Our meditations can become just as enriching and restorative with a bit of visualization and imagery. Remember, the sky is the limit to choosing your visualization when you practice mindfullness and meditation.

Sunny Disposition

After last weeks ECT, I had a wonderful weekend. I visited with friends and even played a game of golf. My spirits were light and sunny. I felt optimistic and very cheery.

ECT has really done wonders, with proper medication management of course. There is no replacement for a complete medication evaluation and program. The medications are still helping and needed.

I'm currently on 20mg of Propranolol, 200mg of Lamictal and 5mg of Abilify daily. While the low dose of Abilify is quite low in terms of possible doses it is providing a boost without producing the nasty side effects the 10mg dose left me fighting.

I am also taking a sleep aide, Doxepin, due to the problems I had developed in regards to falling and staying asleep. The fight with depression requires one to combat sleep problems and ensure a full and restful sleep pattern. I have achieved this and find myself achieving eight hours of sleep each night. There really is nothing quite as good as a good nights rest.

Hand in hand with good sleep is plenty of sun. Vitamin D from the sunshine is another great depression fighter. Whether I find myself playing golf, walking or riding my bike, soaking up the sun is vital. Sun worship is crucial to a healthy battle with depression, it really fights the blues. Get out there and soak up some rays.

ECT

Today will be my 14th ECT Treatment. Electro convulsive therapy is still somewhat controversial but proves to be be extremely effective at treating depression.

I was just in the hospital from the beginning of April until the middle of May. I was depressed and suicidal. Medications alone were not working for me any longer. My doctor suggested we try ECT since we were not seeing success with medications and talk therapy alone.

ECT has been extremely effective at lifting my deep, dark and suicidal depression. The first 8 treatments didn't really produce any marked results. The treatments from 8 until the present have indeed been life altering. I feel more hopeful. The depression has lifted markedly. Friends report that my face is more animated and that I appear more cheerful. ECT is really working.

I have had a few side effects from the treatment that have been troublesome. The first most prominent side effect is that after treatment I am left with a considerable headache. This headache will often last 24 to 48 hours.

The other side effect has been some problems with my short term memory and post treatment confusion. The confusion normally clears within 12 to 24 hours. The memory loss issues have been a little more long lasting. I have been told the memory loss will correct itself as the treatments lessen.

All in all I would highly recommend ECT treatment for people who are suffering with depression that is resisting medication treatment. It has made an enormous difference in my management of my mood.

Return

My last post was months ago. I went through a very good patch from November 2011 until January of 2012. Everything clicked along smoothly, personal life, work life and medications all seemed to gel nicely. Then I hit a snag.
It is hard to say what went wrong. I suddenly became aware that my depression had returned, I was isolating and I felt terrible. Lithium was not keeping my dark depression at bay. I was sleeping badly, eating poorly and my social life was non-existent.
Come March I was thinking about suicide on a daily basis. I was devising plans and writing my suicide letters by the end of the month. At the beginning of April I decided to end my life and went to my pre-chosen location and was going to hook up my vehicle and something stopped me.
Instead of taking my life I checked in with my medication manager at Acadia Hospital and was admitted to the hospital for observation. I spent close to six weeks admitted to Acadia Hospital for treatment of my depression and bipolar II disorder.
In the coming days and weeks I hope to return to writing about my experiences as I struggle with depression and bipolar II disorder. I will describe my travels as I have struggled; social problems, physical problems and the emotional pain of the condition. I will describe my journey towards finding the correct medication. I will also write about my experiences with some unconventional therapy.
I hope for this to again become a place for me to process the painful struggle that is depression and hopefully generate some sense of recovery and hopefulness in my daily life.