Agony

Utter and complete agony. That is life with depression. Depression leads to isolation, which leads to agonizing loneliness, that creates a feeling of low self esteem that leads to isolation. Vicious circle.

I can't help but feel inherently worthless. Because of this feeling spurred by depression I isolate. Once I isolate, because after all who would want to be around me, loneliness consumes me and I long for contact with people. But because of the depression and the loneliness my feelings of worthlessness force me to remain isolated.

There is a part of me inside that knows this is crap, but when the depression mounts and strikes it is exceptionally difficult to fight off. Even when I go out and try and socialize my depression gets the better of me and tears me down. I lash out, I withdraw, I isolate or silently fume over what a waste of time my life is.

You can see how this is so destructive and leads to disconnectedness. When these feelings first began taking hold of me I told nobody. I couldn't even tell my partner because of fears I would be shunned. I was shunned anyway, so I probably should have spoke up.

I don't have any answers tonight. I don't have any coping skills either. I just know that I hurt like hell and I want it to stop.

Two Wheeled Therapy

Matt by Anonymous

Two wheeled therapy. Nothing clears the cob webs like a nice motorcycle ride. After days on the road and over two thousand miles covered it may be surprising that a nice motorcycle ride was exactly what I needed.

There is something amazing about setting off to explore a new area, road or special attraction. I took off towards the western mountains of Maine in search of some waterfalls.

I found what I was looking for and the trip also cleared the depression abit. I met some nice riders at one of the falls and had a great conversation. The day, all in all, was a nice exploration with some wonderful distractions. I snapped a number of fantastic photos that I will use in upcoming posts.

Take Care of Yourselves!

Grief

Depression has cost me dearly. My relationship of over five years was laid waste to by my depression, disconnection and suicidal thoughts. As I grew ill and isolated I carried distance between us and it has absolutely broken my heart.

I love my partner dearly and the pain I feel right now is really quite horrible. I miss what we had together and what I have lost personally. I feel so completely ashamed for what depression has done to me and my connections with the person I love.

Depression carried me inward. I became extremely negative and pessimistic. I isolated and began speaking less. I withdrew from things that I had previously found joy in. I lost interest in touch, talking and sex. I hated myself numerous times throughout the day. I knew deep down these thoughts were wrong, but they drove me nonetheless.

It is important for me to explain this, almost to myself. Important because I need to return to who I was prior to depression. I need to have a life again. I need to feel joy and find joy once I am well. I need to be well so I can be strong for myself and eventually others.

One step at a time.

Medication

The fight to recover from depression for me involves medications. I applaud those trying the non-medication route, but for me right now, medications are vital to my healthy state of mind and recovery.

I'm a true non-medication person. I was very reluctant to begin a medication regiment for my depression. I was concerned about the side effects and the impact on my health. When suicidal thoughts entered my equation I had little choice.

My regiment works exceptionally well for me right now and is not a recommendation for others. This discussion is mainly to open the topic for thoughts and exploration. I began exploring medication options in September of 2010 with no luck.

I tried almost eight different anti depressants over the course of time from September till my hospitalization on April 22nd. Tinkering on an out patient basis was not what I needed. My depression was a deep clinical depression that evolved over a year or more. For me, eventual hospitalization would be the only solution.

Once hospitalized, my medication regiment was aggressively altered. I had been on 10MG of Lexapro which was elevated to 30MG. They also added an augment of abilify 5MG to help the Lexapro do a better job of attacking my depression. After seven to ten days I felt as if someone had turned me back on. I felt expressive, hopeful and overall quite good.

In conjunction with attacking my mood disorder of depression, they also dealt with my horrible quality of sleep. I had been having terrible nightmares for over seven months that were directly compounding my sleep and subsequent depressive symptoms. They added 100MG of Trazodone and 1MG of Prazosin before bed for sleep and nightmares. Both drugs have done wonders for me. I now achieve eight hours of restful sleep a night!

This course of therapy took place over the course of eight months! Medicating depression symptoms takes time and trial and error. Be patient and hang in there. There is no easy solution to finding the right combination except for trial and error.

I encourage you to keep a log or journal regarding the medications, symptoms and improvements. This will aide you in your efforts to find the correct combinations for your specific diagnosis.

Remember, be patient and keep a log!

Till next time!

Day Nine: Connecticut to Maine

Solitary by Matt May 2011

Day nine and the end of my motorcycle trip. Over 2000 miles travelled in nine days. I left my sister this morning at about 10:00AM and was met with rain. No photo opportunities as the weather was the pits.

My visit with my sister was really nice and we decided we will do this again soon. It is nice to reconnect after such a disconnection. Depression divides us from our love and interests. Depression filled me with such negative self views and impressions of myself and how others saw me. The perceptions were flawed and I see that now, but I still need to fight those negative voices.

If I'm not careful my depression will slowly isolate me and shut me down. I need to be out and be social to fight the depression demons, the entity from a previous post. I need to take up a hobby, join a gym or some other social function to keep me active and out and about.

The riding was a wonderful way to begin to reconnect with myself. But now with the onset of a workday routine, I need to find something new, something that will keep me on the road to recovery.

I will keep you all posted.

Day Eight: Virginia to Connecticut

Vista by Matt May 2011

Day eight and four hundred and ninety five miles behind me. The weather was cool and rainy as I left Harrisonburg Virginia. The sun quickly materialized by the end of the first hour and it got hot and sticky really quickly.

Harrisonburg is a great little city with a splendid old downtown district with quirky pubs and cafes. I found a great spot for a bite and some conversation.

I find that I struggle with meeting folks and in social settings now. The depression and my illness really sapped my self esteem. I feel as though I'm faking all of my social interactions. That every smile, response and feeling are manufactured.

It is as if I'm wearing a mask to cover my depressed self. I hate to feel that way because it is like I'm permitting depression to take hold and win. I want to fight back and have more out of life. I want to be happy with my work. I want to find a partner someday who will respect me. I want to be happy again.

For those of you followers those last few lines are huge. Huge, because I really want to live! Eight days on a motorcycle and I realize that living is pretty great. So great that I want to do a lot more of it. I'm not sure when the switch happened, but a few days ago I realized suicide had not entered my thoughts.

So maybe the faking is part of my recovery process. Maybe putting on the smiles is just practice until my real emotions click on again. After all, so many parts of myself are awakening with each day. Maybe the emotions will reset and I won't need to manufacture them anymore. Wouldn't that be great?

Day Seven: North Carolina to Virginia

Cherokee Valley by Matt May 2011

Day seven and my return trip begins at 7:00AM. I have decided to ride some of the Blue Ridge Parkway back toward Virginia. I had hoped for some clear skies. My sister loves photos and I wanted to have some to show her on my return trip.

My mood was better this morning. When I think of my partner, my heart still aches but it is not as crippling as it was yesterday. Grief is better than depression anyday, but the fresh, just got sliced rawness of new grief is very difficult to deal with.

Depression is so neutral. So numb. It takes away all feeling and energy, motivation and hopes. It destroys from within so slowly that major changes can occur without self awareness. One day you just feel like utter crap and don't know why. The why is depression. It has shifted the balance in small increments until one day you fall off the table!

The ride was really very nice. The photo is one from the Parkway in North Carolina near Maggie Valley. The haze was like thick gauze bandages blocking out the spectacular views. But I snapped a few. The pictures don't do the area justice. It is beauty at every bend in the road. Just the thing to keep spirits high.

Take Care of Yourselves!

A Different Sort of Milieu

Milieu by Matt May 2011

Deal's Gap North Carolina seems like a long way to travel to find a support group, but the universe is a strange place. Since beginning my blog I have become something of a publicist. When meeting folks the subject always arises of what we do.

I now proudly state I am a Security System Sales Engineer and I write a Mental Health Blog. It has amazed me how many people struggle with mental illness in their daily lives. For some the struggles are in their immediate families, while others are touched on the fringes of their days by friends or coworkers.

In conversations about fuel injectors, aftermarket exhaust systems and the best wet weather tires for our rides I found a new dynamic develop. There was a new discussion of bi-polar disorder, clinical depression and substance abuse.

This new milieu left me encouraged and less ashamed with my own personal struggle with depression. Strangers departed as friends with more than just brand loyalty to unite us. We left knowing we all share a heavy load in this life and that for a few moments we were able to shed a few pounds of concern and worry.

Take Care of Yourselves!

Day Six: Reflections

Reflections by Matt May 2011

Day six and I will be heading north toward home. My first stop will be Harrisonburg Virginia. This will be a nice half way point to Connecticut and my sister. The weather looks abit iffy, with AM fog and drizzle and then afternoon thunderstorms.

Today was a sunny hot day with temperatures in the mid 90's, yes mid 90's. I met some wonderful riders and had a great relaxing day on the bike. In total, I covered about 375 miles. The surroundings are gorgeous, with rambling rivers, mountains and incredible vistas.

My mood has been OK. Today was another one of those waves of depression days. I have a great deal to sort out upon my return and I found my self preoccupied with the details throughout my riding and conversations. I know Tony would tell me to stay in the present. Great advice that I need to heed.

For me staying in the present right now is very challenging. I know I need to but the details have a way of piling up and overwhelming. I know, one step at a time, stay focused on the now and not the tomorrow or what ifs.

Today was also a painful day of loss for me. I miss my partner. I miss her terribly. I miss her smile, touch, voice and her presence. It hurts badly and takes root in my thoughts. I know in  time these feelings will subside, but for now they consume me.

Take Care of Yourselves!

A Tale of Kudzu and Depression

Kudzu by Matt May 2011

As I rode through Maggie Valley North Carolina I was aware of a heavy growth covering everything by the sides of the road. A local in Cherokee told me it is Kudzu, a creeping ground cover that consumes everything in its path. It wraps around light poles, trees and vegetation, roofs, buildings and anything it damn well feels like.

Kudzu reminds me of my struggle with depression. Like Kudzu, depression slithers its way slowly into and around everything joyous until it squeezes the happiness out of it. Every facet of my life is effected, nothing is spared. Work, friends, partner and family ties all suffer.

My depression can grow quickly, spiraling me into a deep free fall. Like Kudzu, my depression can grow up in the most amazing places when I least expect it. If let go, it will lay waste to the most positive plans and happiest memories I can generate.

The man I spoke with, Tyler, said you always need to be vigilant and keep at the Kudzu or it will over run. Just like depression!

Take Care of Yourselves!

Day Five: Tail of the Dragon

Tail of the Dragon by Matt May 2011

The Tail of the Dragon is a mecca for anyone into sport bike motorcycling as well as sports cars. It is Route 129, located in North Carolina, an eleven mile stretch of the most beautiful roadway known to mankind. Over the eleven miles there are three hundred and eighteen curves jammed into a roller coaster paradise.

The day was beautiful, with bright sunny skies, clear blue vistas and great folks to meet and share stories with. The ride from where I was staying was about sixty minutes, over some of the prettiest roads with mountain views.

My day was very safe, with no mishaps. I had a near miss with and wild turkey but thankfully he zigged while I zagged.

The tradition for riding the Dragon is pretty simple. Riders arrive off Route 28 to Route 129 and the Deal's Gap Motorcycle Resort. From the Dragon Store you ride out 11 miles to Tab Cat Bridge, return the 11 miles back to the Dragon Store and repeat as many times as possible! It is considered to be bad luck to purchase any souvenirs prior to riding the Dragon. So, I saved my purchases for after a few runs just to be safe!

There are bikes and riders from every walk of life. Senior Honda Goldwing Couples, Harley Bikers, BMW Touring Fanatics, and Leather Suited Rocket Jockeys who scream along the route at super illegal speeds. Everyone is ultimately friendly and excited about bikes.

The day was refreshing and exciting. I made the runs safely, met some great people and came away with a real boost to my self esteem.

Take Care of Yourselves!

Day Four: Virginia to North Carolina

Sunshine! Yes, you heard me. Sunshine! I awoke after a night of heavy thunderstorms to a bright cool morning. I was fortunate to have bright sunshine the majority of the trip to North Carolina. The sun really kept my depression pretty much in check too.

I snapped a few photos as I left Harrisonburg Virginia. The sun soon went behind a milky sky and the bright blue disappeared. But the temperature for riding was nice and the traveling was very good.

Once I arrived in Maggie Valley my depression returned. I am trying to talk myself up, but it is a tough job. In part the motel is not great. I need to move to a new place that will help with my mood.

I'm not sure why the depression returned so heavily. My days are full, but I am getting plenty of sleep. I'm actually eating well too, even though I'm on the road. I'm active, as riding the bike is very physical. I'm even practicing positive self talk! Oh, and my medication routine is going well. The only thing I can think of is that I'm not drinking enough water.

I hope this passes as I work to keep positive. Here is to the sun, may she stick around for a few days and not be so fickle!

Take care of yourselves.

Day Three: Connecticut to Virginia

Ferns by Matt May 2011

Day three and 500+ miles are behind me. The weather started out from Connecticut with heavy fog, mist and periodic rain showers. My mood matched the weather, I really wanted to crawl back into bed and isolate. I fought those isolating urges and got dressed and hit the road.

The ride was a great deal of fun, even though the rain and fog were relentless. I wasn't able to take any photos as the weather just didn't play along with me. I struggled today with my mood too. I felt like quitting a number of times, but just kept plugging along and tried to continue to think positively.

I am always amazed at the roller coaster depression can take me on. I can talk myself to a positive place and depression will sweep in and the entity brings me down, down, down. I am getting better at stopping things earlier, but the negative self talk can really sweep in and consume me.

My evening ended on a good note, talks with my sister and mom. Plus I also found a great little spot in Harrisonburg Virginia called Jack Brown's Burger and Beer Pub.

I hope tomorrow is clear with no raindrops and that I can keep depression contained.

Take care of yourselves!

Day Two: Rest Day In Connecticut

Cascade by Matt May 2011

Today was a very pleasant rest day from riding before my next phase of the journey. I awoke to sunshine cascading into the guest bedroom at my sister's home. This did wonders to fight off  my depression. We had a nice leisurely morning with a great afternoon of sightseeing, picture taking and eating some great local and home cooked food!

The rains returned pretty quickly but my depression did not. I struggled in the late afternoon, but was able to rebound quite well. I think the fun of being with my sister and the excitement of my trip ahead is doing wonders for me.

I was able to keep the depression at bay for the entire day and can only now feel it trying to slip into my consciousness. I will end my day with my mindfulness exercise and head to bed. Tomorrow will be a full nine hours in the saddle.

Till tomorrow, take care of yourselves!

Day One: Maine to Connecticut

Departure by Matt May 2011

Day one of my motorcycle trip and 400 miles are behind me. My depression was very prominent at the start of my journey this morning. I began on May 20th, 10:00 AM starting off from the front entrance of Acadia Hospital. The setting was very fitting for this journey.  The hospital has been such a focus point for me as I begin my recovery from depression.

Leaving from Acadia's doorstep is very symbolic for me, from hospitalization towards reconnecting my life with myself, family and friends by way of two wheels. The weather also was perfect providing me with darkened skies, mist and rain. The dreary skies were dark and rain drops met me fifteen minutes down the highway. From darkness to light, hopelessness toward hope.

The ride went very smooth, light rain to begin with, heavy rain through the midpoint and sun when I hit Sturbridge CT! My depression eased some when the sun broke through. I was even able to shed my rain jacket for a short while!

Riding for me is akin to flying, the speed, the agility and the raw environmental surge of the elements energizes me. My mind is focused on the road, the surroundings and others. I am able to contemplate my current recovery in brief momentary flashes which is good. The motorcycle does not permit me to dwell like a car does. You must always be aware and alert.

I arrived in Torrington after a very calm and drama free ride to a wonderful meal of chicken parmigiana made by my sister. She even made the sauce! A few minutes with Cathy and I knew this trip was a wise decision.

I am feeling very relaxed and ready for a good nights sleep followed by some quality time with my sister.
Tomorrow is a rest day with no time in the saddle.

Take care of yourselves!

Mindfulness

"Mindfulness means paying attention on purpose to this moment without judging." This quote by Jon Kabat-Zinn captures so simply a very complex action.

As I have stumbled along with depression my monkey mind has truly gotten the best of me many a day. When I say monkey mind, I refer to the incessant  clamoring my mind churns through as I become overwhelmed. Worry about housing, bills, relationships, health and many other daily concerns is monkey mind. Mindfulness is the exact opposite of the worrying monkey mind.

Worry will destroy any mindfulness exercise. Worry is truly worthless in the realm of deep breathing, positive self talk and visualization that is the mindfulness exercise. Worry will disrupt my health, mental and physical. Worry will disrupt my state of being and sense of grace. I try not to cling to my worries. Easier said than done.

I realized very early in my Intensive Out-Patient Therapy that practicing and learning this skill will be critical to my personal recovery from depression. In order to clear my thinking from depression I need to learn to be present with my thoughts without them overwhelming me.

For me there are two moments during the day that my depression can get the best of me, waking and as I prepare for sleep each night. I now use this time routinely to exercise my mindfulness skills. I begin with slow deep breathing. Slowly breathe deeply in and hold for 4 seconds and then slowly exhale. While I do this I visualize a peaceful scene. As the scene clarifies in my mind I add positive self talk. "I am worthwhile", "I am valuable", "Life is Good.". As I breath, visualize and think positively I permit thoughts to drift pass. I try not to hurry them by nor cling to them. Instead I watch them parade pass without judgement. I do this exercise for 15 minutes before sleep and just as I wake for the day.

This exercise was taught to me by, Tony, one of my therapists at Acadia. This exercise has been extremely valuable to my daily frame of mind. It has helped me to begin managing my thoughts for a healthy life free of depression.

Thanks Tony!

The Milieu

The group process at Acadia is a key element to my recovery. The group setting, also referred to as the milieu, is where I first came out of my guarded shell and opened up about my depression. The power is indeed with the people.

I quickly discovered that all of the patients who were getting well and being discharged were the same faces I consistently saw in the milieu, or out and about being social. The patients who withdrew into isolation did not.

For me, I find immense strength and power in the stories of my peers who are suffering, coping and managing with their illnesses. Whether it is psychosis, bi-polar, depression or substance abuse, each member of the milieu brings exceptional gifts to the mix.

Each time I engaged another member in discussion, I was able to learn something valuable. By sharing with one another we grow stronger. There is wisdom and strength in knowing we are not alone. It comforted me to know others had suicidal thoughts, self hatred, fears and worries about their illnesses. Like the old saying goes, "Misery loves company". I owe so much to so many people, many probably are not aware of the gifts they gave to me, who shared with me in the milieu.

Together we grow stronger!

The Entity

I am early in my recovery from depression and feel incredibly vulnerable. Largely due to the entity, depression, that has set up shop within me. This entity is sly and I must always remain watchful.

A wise friend has used this term, entity, to describe depression and the grip it has on people who suffer with it. When I interact with this entity I feel as if there is a stranger within me. The thoughts and feelings I experience when depression gets rolling are so alien, so strange and unlike my typical nature.

When the depression awakens and begins taking me on a negative journey of degrading self talk it can be very hard to reign in the entity. He wants me to isolate, degrade myself, alienate friends and family. He is looking to lure me into the darkened room that he has prepared. It is stocked with flawed images of my life and interactions. They are incorrect, but I have difficulty distinguishing those facts.

He has casually and slyly changed the lenses that I see my life through. In essence, he has muddied the waters so that he can feed. Through the selected lenses the entity provides me I see nothing but negativism. Each and every scene and memory is tainted to illustrate my fears and failures. There is no place for success in his room.

I know it is up to me to alienate the entity. In order to fight the depression I must change my thinking. I practice positive self talk throughout my days now. I repeat phrases to myself, "I am worthwhile", "I am valuable", "People will miss me". These statements are the fuel I require to help me banish the entity from my life.

I have also discovered the entity does not want me to breath! I combat this by taking a few moments when I am strong and feeling secure to breathe deeply. It strengthens me to feel my breath drawing in and flowing out, to relax. If I practice breathing when I am strong, I will be all the more ready when the entity tries to invade and take hold.

I have also learned the power of positive visualization. I conjure a positive image in my mind. For me it is a pristine day in Acadia National Park. I am sitting on the grass at Jordan Pond. The air is cool and crisp. The pond is tranquil and reflects the large white puffy clouds above. The Bubbles, small hills in the distance, rise up with a steadfastness that is reassuring. The entity hates this place!

When sleep comes, I really must be prepared. The entity strengthens throughout the day and lays in wait to seize my thoughts when I am most vulnerable. I combat the depression and fight the entity with a three phase attack. Positive self talk, deep breathing and positive visualization.

Fight your internal entity and please take care of yourselves!

On the Road of Recovery

The beginning of my road of recovery is firmly rooted on April 25th, 2011. That is the day I was moved from the observation unit at Acadia Hospital to the in patient floor of Unit 3 North. That is the day for me when the real work was just beginning. It was the first day when I had to share with my peers my feelings of worthlessness and plans of suicide.

Once on the floor and checked in, the support groups and discussions with other patients began. I could no longer isolate and hide my self loathing. The days of being super independent were closing down rapidly.

That is when something dramatic occurred for me, I opened up. I suddenly felt the need to express my feelings in the company and support of people just like me. I could see and hear in the faces and voices of my fellow support group members what I knew about myself. I was in pain just like these folks. I was lost, scared, had low self esteem and desperately wanted to be better.

The staff of 3 North were amazing. They provided encouragement, support and challenges to each of us based on our needs. For me, simply, they saved my life. The countless hours of sitting and listening, guiding and supporting fed me at a time when I was the most hungry for change. I owe them so much more than words can express.

Today, I am winding down from my phase of out-patient care, more about that later. I can tell you in preview the staff and peers in out patient are outstanding. I am fortunate to spend my days with an incredible group of courageous people.

Together we will recover!

Path Toward Acadia Hospital

The Path by Matt May 2011

I was admitted to Acadia Hospital's Observation Unit upon fears of my ever darkening mood and deteriorating condition. I was frightened, my mind creating imaginative images of the dysfunction I was sure to discover. I was scared of being labeled and subsequently trapped unable to leave until cleared by intolerant staff. The fears were overwhelming.

Gladly, the fears were unfounded. I was met by the most caring, dedicated and non-judgemental staff I have ever encountered in the health care profession. After a few interviews and case history information I was prescribed medications and was able to sleep. The four days prior of sleeplessness had me haggered and I slept the majority of the Friday through to Sunday afternoon. I was kept in observation from Friday till Monday due to a lack of bed space on the in patient floors. I stirred a few times to eat, drink and grab a shower. The staff was extremely kind and supportive.

While present in observation I was evaluated on a daily basis. The staff assured me I would be kept safe and this allowed me to relax abit and sleep.

Knowing what I know now I would encourage people toward early intervention. I waited to long to seek professional help with my early symptoms and signals of disconnection. By the time I raised my hand for help I was headed to inpatient psychiatric hospitalization. Had I been less afraid of social stigmas, fears and ignorance of the mental healthcare networks I would never have required hospitalization. Had my loved ones been more aware of the early danger signs of depression someone may have been able to help. As it was the signs came to intensely and to late.

Some of the early warning signs friends and family reported to me afterward were:

1) Less Talkative.

2) Disconnection from friends and loved activities.

3) More frequent sick days from work.

4) Sudden unusual sleep patterns.

5) Sudden weight loss.

These are just a few symptoms that loved ones can use to gauge a persons depression. For me, I was oblivious to the subtle changes that my loved ones saw first.

Take care of yourself!

Hospitalization Journey

On April 22nd, 2011 I was hospitalized due to my depression and the developing suicidal ideation. For me, the thought of psychiatric hospitalization was akin to driving into a dark tunnel on a sunny day. The known, the comfortable, the familiar driving into a darkened abyss. Sure, some might say suicide is similar, for me it was not. My mind had it sorted, albeit distorted and confused, as suicide equating comfort and soothing release. Hospitalization on the other hand, conjured up images of the unknown, the uncomfortable, the unfamiliar. Electing to voluntarily proceed with psychiatric hospitalization was far more frightening than the idea of suicide.

So, with the love and support of my best friend, we went to the emergency room together. For those lucky enough to have never required this type of hospitalization I will briefly outline my journey.

Upon arrival at the hospital I checked in to EMMC Emergency Room in Bangor Maine, explaining in detail why I was there through a torrent of tears. The shame I felt was overwhelming.

The staff politely took my wallet, belt, cell phone and laces as a precaution to ensure my safety. They moved me to a safe room where I was observed by hospital staff while waiting for a transfer to Acadia Hospital, the local mental health facility. This was without question the hardest thing I have ever done. Had it not been for my best friend supporting me through it I would have fled town to act out my plan and commit suicide. She saved my life that day. I also want to praise EMMC Hospital staff for treating me with kindness, respect and dignity throughout the entire process.

My next post will cover from emergency care to in patient hospitalization.

Take care of yourself!

Surviving the Weekends

Weekends! My depression becomes voraciously hungry during the weekends. Having unscheduled time at this stage of my recovery, only three weeks on medication, is not good. Throw in two days of overcast skies and rain, well you get the picture.

As I am discovering, having unscheduled time to sit and allow my mind to roam is equivalent to leaving the bedroom closet door ajar so the monster lurking within can devour me. So I have planned my weekend.

This blog has been central to my dealing with depression and to give back to those like myself. When I first became aware of my depression I looked for information on the Internet and a few blogs really stood out.

Storiedmind.com
Recoverlifefromdepression.com
Happinesspirsuing.blogspot.com

These sites did and do provide me with a great deal of insight and inspiration.

So here is my formula for a healthy and depression lite weekend. Remember that this has worked for me and each person is different. I hope you find these tips helpful.

1. Plan: Plan a special event or moment each day just for yourself. Going for a walk, movie, art gallery or simply to meet friends.
2. Make a list: Crossing things off my list is fabulous as it reinforces a sense of completion and feeling of improved self esteem.
3. Journal: Maintaining a journal can help provide a realistic sense of progress.
4. Sleep: Keep your sleep schedule the same as during the week. Same time to bed and the same time to rise. You will find that your sleep will remain more regulated over your recovery.
5. Think Positive: Thinking positive will help you to combat the negative self talk!

Obviously, these tips are great for each day of the week. I list them here because as I recover and work to make myself well again, the downtime of weekends present themselves as a trap toward backsliding into negative self expression.

Don't permit that! Take care of yourself!

Mental Health

Mental health. I never really paid much attention to mine. I tripped along through life, living through the moments, planning, procrastinating, working and playing. I had suffered through mild bouts of depression, one beginning in 1990 and the other beginning in 2001. Both bouts lasted about 2 years.

Then on April 22nd, I was hospitalized as a result of a year long battle with a deep depression. This depression was deeper and darker than anything I have ever experienced. My plan for writing this is really quite simple. Over the torturous year of struggling, I felt terribly alone. It wasn't until I was hospitalized that I heard other people expressing feelings that were similar to mine. My thoughts, my fears, my lack of self worth, my hopelessness, my pain and my belief that suicide would be the ultimate answer to curing the deep flaws within me.

I hope over the next year to provide a space to review my descent into depression, my recovery process and my rise toward a hope filled life. My goal is to provide a voice that others may see and in turn feel less alone. I will provide links to other sites I have found helpful and provide coping skills that have worked for me.

I also hope this exercise will help me. As my dear new friend Laureen explained, "It is time to take good care of me".

First Signs

My depression's onset slid over me so gradually it had a full tenacious grip before I even realized I was ill. The moment of realization for me was in late August of 2010. That summer I had broken my left heel and tore the plantar fascia. I was forced to convalesce for 16 weeks with my foot in a protective boot. That meant no hiking, mountain biking, beach activities, concerts and terrible isolation.

Late August is when I fully realized I was depressed. At first I felt it was purely situational and when the boot would be removed and my activities resumed, I would feel great again. That did not occur.

When I was able to remove the boot and was mobil again my mood did not improve. Instead I felt that a darkness had enveloped me that I could not think away. No matter how hard I tried, and I did work very hard, the heaviness would not subside. Waves of sadness plagued me each day. There was no rhyme or reason to the sadness or the mysterious blue waves that would envelope me.

I was in a fantastic relationship with the most beautiful person I have ever known, I was successful at my job, I had wonderful friends and a beautiful home. No matter how hard I focused on those things the sadness was ever relentless.

In September I made an appointment with my medical Doctor.