Agony

Utter and complete agony. That is life with depression. Depression leads to isolation, which leads to agonizing loneliness, that creates a feeling of low self esteem that leads to isolation. Vicious circle.

I can't help but feel inherently worthless. Because of this feeling spurred by depression I isolate. Once I isolate, because after all who would want to be around me, loneliness consumes me and I long for contact with people. But because of the depression and the loneliness my feelings of worthlessness force me to remain isolated.

There is a part of me inside that knows this is crap, but when the depression mounts and strikes it is exceptionally difficult to fight off. Even when I go out and try and socialize my depression gets the better of me and tears me down. I lash out, I withdraw, I isolate or silently fume over what a waste of time my life is.

You can see how this is so destructive and leads to disconnectedness. When these feelings first began taking hold of me I told nobody. I couldn't even tell my partner because of fears I would be shunned. I was shunned anyway, so I probably should have spoke up.

I don't have any answers tonight. I don't have any coping skills either. I just know that I hurt like hell and I want it to stop.