Day Eight: Virginia to Connecticut

Vista by Matt May 2011

Day eight and four hundred and ninety five miles behind me. The weather was cool and rainy as I left Harrisonburg Virginia. The sun quickly materialized by the end of the first hour and it got hot and sticky really quickly.

Harrisonburg is a great little city with a splendid old downtown district with quirky pubs and cafes. I found a great spot for a bite and some conversation.

I find that I struggle with meeting folks and in social settings now. The depression and my illness really sapped my self esteem. I feel as though I'm faking all of my social interactions. That every smile, response and feeling are manufactured.

It is as if I'm wearing a mask to cover my depressed self. I hate to feel that way because it is like I'm permitting depression to take hold and win. I want to fight back and have more out of life. I want to be happy with my work. I want to find a partner someday who will respect me. I want to be happy again.

For those of you followers those last few lines are huge. Huge, because I really want to live! Eight days on a motorcycle and I realize that living is pretty great. So great that I want to do a lot more of it. I'm not sure when the switch happened, but a few days ago I realized suicide had not entered my thoughts.

So maybe the faking is part of my recovery process. Maybe putting on the smiles is just practice until my real emotions click on again. After all, so many parts of myself are awakening with each day. Maybe the emotions will reset and I won't need to manufacture them anymore. Wouldn't that be great?