I haven't written in some time. I went through a pretty rough patch as I'm trying to sort out my medications. I'm now on Lithium and it seems like it is really making a difference.

I feel a sense of hope that things can be better. I don't have the dark thoughts bothering me every day anymore. That heaviness has lifted.

Work is getting easier too. I was really struggling with my interactions at work. I was finding it very difficult to call customers back, arrange appointments and perform sight visits. That is lessening as I'm on Lithium. I'm beginning to feel like me again.

My social life is improving too. I'm not isolating myself by hiding out in my apartment. I'm visiting friends and going out more which feels good. Isolation for me is one of my danger signs of depression. If I'm isolating myself it usually means my depression is ruling my life.

It really feels like I'm turning a corner slowly. The dark fog of depression is lifting and I'm beginning to feel good again.

Darkness

Well, some changes are better than others. My medication management has been going well until recently. We have taken a turn that has tumbled me back into strings of depressed thoughts. Not to mention suicide has been nagging with considerable regularity.

It has been a slow slide back down into a pretty serious funk. Chronic depressed thoughts, suicidal fantasies and a general sense of hopelessness have all returned. The reduction of Lexapro is in large part the problem, but with Lexapro there are some other pretty unpleasant side effects too.

It looks like a switch to a more specific medication to help with bipolar and depression is in order. The likely candidate will be lithium. It has become pretty clear that I need something for the depression. It has also become clear that Lexapro is not the answer.

When I'm taking the Lexapro my agitation is greatly increased. The lower dosages still provide the agitation without much relief from the depression. If I take a higher dosage, the agitation is tough to bear. Even on the higher dosages of Lexapro the depression is still very present and disruptive. I'll call me medication provider today to begin talking about lithium.

Falling

I have been having a great deal of dreams lately where I'm falling. I'm falling and it feels like an immense relief is washing over me. They coincide with an increase in suicidal thoughts during my waking hours.

I feel especially sad these days. Thoughts of separation and grief are at an all time high. It goes hand in hand with shortening daylight, a terrible head cold and an openness of dealing with the grief.

The feelings also coincide with ongoing custody, visitation and child support litigation. The exhaustion that comes with trying to get blood from a stone is overwhelming. I have no idea where the extra pounds of flesh will come from.

Head Colds

The only thing worse than dealing with grief and depression is dealing with grief and depression with a ferocious head cold.

I woke Saturday morning with a raging sore throat, blocked ears and stuffed sinuses. It is difficult because when you are sick sleep and rest are the best things to get you back on your feet. Unfortunately, sleep and rest bring with them their own set of problems.

The extra downtime to sit and ponder for the depressed is like poison. I tried to walk late on Saturday but I felt too crappy. I tried to read abit, but no luck there as I couldn't concentrate. There are only so many movies you can watch before the enjoyable ritual becomes a burden of distraction.

Being sick just compounds my minds ability to get the best of me. I keep replaying loops of what I did wrong to end a beautiful five year relationship. The solitude and sickness seem to be like fertilizer for the self loathing thoughts. They multiply and take on truly sinister proportions.

Luckily work for Monday kept me occupied and my mind off my ex partner and my rotten head cold. Still, I don't feel well enough to walk tonight so it will be another evening of fighting off depressed and weary thoughts. This whole grief and depression deal is gotten really old and tiresome. I long for some good old fashioned boredom without a depressed or saddened thought in sight.

The Pain of Grief

Breaking up is terribly difficult, especially when you still deeply are in love with the person. The separation and pain can be intense.

The tangible feelings of pain from the grief over a loss are enormous and physical in nature. Each day the waves and pangs of grief bring physical sensations of true pain.

Pain radiates from my chest and into my left arm. Some days the pain is firmly lodged in my throat, cutting back my voice and speech. Other days a numbing sensation and prickling pain coarse up my neck and into my head.

The lucky days are when my chest just aches as if my heart is about to stop. Those days, of the aching pain centered in my chest, are the easiest to wade through. The worst days are when the pain invades my throat. The pain is crippling and speech is an absolute struggle. My phone rings and paralysis sets in preventing me from picking up and simply speaking.

Time is said to be a great healer, I'm a skeptic today. There is a part of me that feels the love for my lost partner is so great that the pain will never subside. I feel as if the intensity will remain, relentlessly tugging me down as I suffer through this loss.

Waves

As I struggle to come to grips with my illness the grief has been battering me with waves throughout my day and week. The grief is so present that I haven't had the mental energy to blog, so, my entries have been few and far between.

The main source of my despair revolves around my parting ways with a partner of over five years time. Those of you unlucky enough to suffer from depression know how the isolating nature of the illness can snuff the life out of even the most dynamic of relationships.

I'm grieving my loss of self and the broken relationships that has left behind. Morning, noon and night are full of torrential waves of sadness and despair. The pain is so tangible that it sucks the very air from my chest. The physical sensations of a tightening chest and pain riddled throat are vivid. As the waves descend it begins in my throat, a painful tightening as if words can't escape overcomes me.

The waves come with no reason or warning. This makes for very uncomfortable days as I try and deal with business and friends. There is never any telling as to when the waves come, they just appear with a ferocious presence. A memory, place, song or conversation may trigger the waves to come, but there is never any sureness. I can pass the same location numerous times with no perceived pain, but then one time it will trigger the waves and they engulf me with their fury.

They say that the more the grief comes over time the pain should begin to subside. I believe right now the grief is on the increase for me. I feel as if a very deep well has been opened and I'm descending into it. My counselor tells me this is the hardest part of recovery, to deal with the grief, and path back to wellness. Time will heal.

Shopping

I used to love to grocery shop before being overcome by depression. Now it is pure hell. Each trip to the store is a solid reminder of how alone I am.

My illness fractured virtually every relationship I had. I used to shop for a family with family minded meals in mind. I used to relish picking out food that would please us all and provide us with healthy nourishment.

Now my trips to the store are painful and hollow. It is very hard to cook for one and I find I'm not eating well. I try and pick food that is nourishing and cost effective, but those two things seldom go hand in hand. More often that not Im eating prepared foods out of a can.

The alcohol aisle is painful as well. My partner and I used to enjoy nice bottles of wine and cocktails. Now the aisle reminds me of loss and separation. I avoid that aisle as the memories it evokes are just too painful right now.

It is funny how such a simple act can be obliterated by one's losses and feelings of grief. Such a simple and mundane act that once carried with it so much joy and excitement now brings forth memories of pain and anguish. They say time is a healer, well time can't work fast enough for me right now.

Not Enough Buckets

One of the things about living with bipolar and depression that is the toughest is finding enough buckets to dump my worries in. Worries over money, friends, work, relationships, if there will ever be another relationship, family and the list goes on and on.

Just when one worry has been safely put to bed another awakens to spoil my mood. I can never seem to rid myself of worry these days. I certainly feel like I don't have enough buckets to carry the load safely.

I lean on a few close friends, but I don't want to burn them out. My family helps with a number of them and they are very helpful, but I don't want to overtax them either. My therapist is earning his dollars these days as well, his bucket is great because I can fill it and truly leave it behind. His bucket is unlike friends and families buckets which are always lingering around and your worries are never truly gone once they are filled.

I carry alot of my worries around with me all day. I try and dump them off in places, or sort them out and solve them, or simply put them to rest for later. I never seem to have enough buckets though. I long for a day soon that isn't hampered by excessive worry. The one saving grace currently is that my sleep has been untouched by worry. For whatever reason I seem to be able to shelve the worry before sleep. I believe it is my meditation practice that helps with this. I enter the time of sleep relaxed and focused on positive images.

A New Found Hope

Another long weekend is drawing to a close and I have a glimmer of hope that life can improve. It is just a small glimmer, one that needs to be protected from anything that might snuff it out, but it is there deep down welling up inside.

I have so many changes in my life mixed with so many losses that at times I don't know where to begin. One step at a time is often said to me by family and friends, but where do I step first?

I have some imminent issues facing me that will preoccupy much of my time in the next month. Once that issue is resolved I feel like a major hurdle will be cleared and some healing can begin.

I have new found aspirations of returning to school for my masters degree. I came from the social service field and would like to return to that direction with my life. I would like to pursue a Master of Social Work degree with an emphasis on counseling. Sales have helped pay the bills for some time now, but I am left feeling rather unfulfilled. We spend so much time at work that our vocation needs to refuel us to some degree.

At the end of my work day and week I am currently feel used up and spent. I long to feel a sense of satisfaction from the work I do. I'm tired of feeling that my work life is whipping past with nothing to show for my efforts. A return to school will also help nurture my need to better myself and climb out from this sickness. My first step is to speak with my local colleges and determine a game plan. I feel a growing undercurrent of excitement and new found hope. Where there is a will there is a way.

Patience

In my struggle with depression and bipolar disorder I have written about my newfound enjoyment of golf. At first the love was a result of the camradarie of being out with friends and the way these outings lifted my mood. The practice of golf has become more than just a social outing for me.

For me the game of golf helps me practice patience, focus and judgement. To enjoy the game requires one to slow down and focus, really be present to the situation. You notice the cut of the green and how the ball will roll, focus in on hand and foot placement, attention is paid to the club face and during the game one soaks up the peacefullness and beauty of the course.

These challenges that golf brings to me relate to my daily life as well. I feel a newfound sense of presence to my situations. I'm slowing down and really exercising thought and judgement. I notice that I am seeing more and walking through life less shut down. The measured slowness of golf is rubbing off beyond the links.

Last nights game we were me with a dramatic and beautiful sunset as well as some of the most beautiful cloud formations I have seen for some time. We shared some great time together, laughs as well as some serious discussions about our lives directions. These are all gifts that the crazy little game of golf bring to me each Thursday. I look forward to many more!

Fading Anger

It has been a couple of weeks now since lowering my dosage of Lexapro, which is an antidepressant. I made this move after lengthy consultation with my doctor. We made this decision based on signs that depression was not the root cause of my mood disorder and that bipolar mixed state was fueling my anger and irritability.

It looks like the bet is paying off. My mood is much calmer with less situational irritability and underlying anger. I'm beginning to feel like myself again, slowly but surely.

I'm certain it isn't just the medication changes. I'm still meditating twice a day, walking once a day and making sure my sleep is recooperative. The sleep has become my least worry as it seems to come easily and I'm sleeping through the night. The exercise takes committment, it is easy to want to skip walks and rides. My meditation practice has really been an easy change to make, morning and night blends into my lifestyle quite nicely.

I think moving forward my primary worry is dealing with the grief. I have just begun to uncap that and allow myself to actually feel it. I have said before it is refreshing to feel, as living with depression was mind numbing, but the strength of the grief is frightening. I feel like I need to take this journey in small easy steps. My worry is that it could tumble me back down into another major depression. While hospitalization was extremely helpful, I don't want to return to that any time soon.

So, I will keep keeping on and moving forward little by little. Here is to another good day and a brighter future, one can only hope!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Weekends

Weekends are still hard. Struggling with mental health is a real challenge. The work week brings with it its own set of challenges, but the weekends are the hardest.

The work week brings the focus of work and a schedule of tasks to complete. My weeks are typically very busy and my appointment schedule keeps me moving rather quickly to keep up.

The busy weeks don't let my mind wander too much, which is a real blessing. I'm too busy to slow down and ponder my living situation, mental health and the grief I'm still wading through. That all changes come the weekend.

I work pretty hard to set a schedule for myself during the weekends to avoid downtime. Visiting a few friends, laundry, and exercise keep me rather busy. The evenings and the holes during the day are tough. I know I should be allowing myself to feel the grief, the pain, the anguish.The hard part is that it just hurts badly and I want to avoid it. I want to run from it. I just can't let myself go with it. I miss my partner just too damn much and I can't let myself feel that terrible missing her.

Music and Grief

Have you ever noticed that much of the music we listen to involves romantic attachment?  Breakups, love, reuniting, the heartache of missing the one we love and endless other romantically entwined topics are riddled throughout music.

I spend a great deal of time in my car as a sales rep and there was a time when my iPod was my best friend. These days he is a taunting adversary.

Each song that comes up covers the painful topics of love, longing and lust. From Jack Johnson to the Maccabees to the Zolas I can't escape it. I have reflashed and reloaded my iPod countless times lately to no avail. John Mayer reminds me of what a loser I feel like losing my one true love. Jason Mraz tells me how great the sex was and how empty I now feel missing it. Jack Johnson speaks to the incredible comfort of having the one true partner to just hang with. The music is relentless!

I find that more often than not I ride in silence. Even Cake caught me off guard with a song about how miserable mere friendship is compared with a deep romantic connection. This is all just music, don't even get me started on movies. How I long for silence!

Mountain Biking

In an effort to combat my depression and other effects of my condition I returned to daily walks a few weeks back. Walking is great but can become rather dull.

So, in an effort to fight off the boredom of daily walks I have begun using my mountain bike as an alternative. There is really something magical about riding a bike. Riding a bike captures such joy and freedom that it is hard to put into words.

I use the bike on the weekends, as it is difficult to fit into my schedule during the weekdays. I rode ten miles Saturday and fifteen miles today. Riding was a real blast. The cadence of the pedals and the spin of the wheels just feels great. So different from walking.

Riding on the weekends feels like I'm treating myself to something special. Biking, compared with walking, feels like I'm spoiling myself. I feel like my legs are getting a much better workout when I bike and my cardio feels better too.

All in all, whether it is my daily weekday walks or weekend bike rides, the exercise is helping me to feel better slowly but surely. So I will continue both religiously as my recovery is top priority.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Seeking Questions

Everyone seeks answers to the questions they formulate in their minds. Jon Kabat-Zinn recommends seeking questions through the process of inquiry in our daily meditations.

He equates the process to allowing our minds to formulate questions and then sitting and watching as they flow like a river around the rocks within. We sit listening, watching as our questions move about swirling and flowing past. We aren't tied to selecting the right answer, rather by watching as our questions dip and dive about the answers will make themselves clear to us.

This of course requires time and patience. The time has not been a problem as I have blocked my meditations to very convenient times morning and night. The patience however is a challenge. My life is in chaos and disarray and I want answers desperately. I hunger for answers to my problems and nothing comes as of yet.

I follow Jon's advice and continue to seek questions, ponder the questions over and over, continue to ask and dig deep below the immediate surface. I know in time clarity will arrive and answers will fall into place. For me now there is alot of time simply being present in an uncomfortable state that will eventually pass. One hopes.

Hurdles

It feels like I am getting a handle on my depression and Bipolar Disorder but I have a number of hurdles still to navigate. Grief being the primary state that nowadays throws me the meanest punch.

Separations are never easy and this one is no picnic. Morning, noon and night I am consumed with feelings for my ex partner. The sadness is almost tangible, like a heavy cloud that surrounds me all of the time, you can almost see it.

I have no doubt that those around me can sense my sorrow at losing my relationship with the best partner I have ever known. The sorrow can cripple and paralyze with sweeping speed and force.

I miss so many things about her it is hard to describe in mere words. Her presence was beyond description and the power she held over me was lovely. I cherished each and every moment with her, from the simple pleasantries of the morning to the passionate sex. The emptiness that her leaving me has left me with is the deepest most pervasive pain I have ever felt.

Grieving her loss is the longest stretch of hurdles I will run in my recovery. There is no end in sight, as a matter of fact I don't even feel I have left the start blocks yet. I don't feel I have even begun to deal with our parting. I have on some levels, the pain tells me this, but I don't feel I have started to really deal with the magnitude of my losing her.

The Climb

It has been 5 days since switching my medications. I believe I am now on the right track. I don't believe I'm battling traditional depression.

I now believe that Bipolar II with Mixed State is the correct diagnosis. It is important to get the diagnosis correct because traditional antidepressant medications can worsen traditional depression.

The reason I floundered and worsened for so long is that the traditional antidepressants could have been fueling the depression and agitation.

Since backing off the Lexapro I can feel my agitation and irritability lessening. Each day I feel a little bit more of a relief from those symptoms. Each day I feel a little bit clearer and less tied in knots.

As the Lexapro is continued to be cut back I may need to add another medication. Lithium would be the drug of choice as it is exceptional at helping people with my disorder. It is a very good mood stabilizer and does not have the potential problems of a traditional antidepressant.

Today feels brighter and more hopeful. I plan on continuing my walking schedule, that must also be helping. The day is bright and sunny so a walk in the forest is due.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Adjustments

It is time for an adjustment to my medications. I am tolerating the increase in the Abilify, now it is time to reduce the Lexapro. This is a slow and methodical process that requires a great deal of patience.

The goal is to target the Bipolar symptoms and still cover my depression. The Lexapro is the most likely culprit that is escalating my agitation and irritability. Hopefully a lower dosage will still target my depressed symptoms without revving me up.

If the depression worsens we will move to a more standard Bipolar treatment. That would mean switching from Lexapro to either Lamictal or Lithium. At this point it doesn't matter what I'm taking or what they call the disorder I just want relief.

I feel hopeful that recovery is possible. I have a mountain of transitions still in front of me, but I feel like I can sense hope. It is still too early to see long term gains, I'm still focused on day to day survival.

Suicidal thoughts still plague me on a daily basis. Multiple stresses still bother my daily life, but I'm beginning to sense some clarity. I have moments in my day of true peace. I still have a mountain of grief over losing my partner, the pain at times is unbearable. But I'm hopeful that in time it will lessen. I'm hopeful that the early stages of recovery are close.

For the first time in weeks I sense that my life is improving, just a little, but it is a start. I know it may well become messier before it improves, that is the nature of recovery. But I feel hopeful.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Walking

So, sliding into Friday I realized I was feeling abit better. The migraines were gone, my depression seemed to have eased some and my agitation was manageable, to a degree.

I decided I needed to increase my energy by refocusing attention on exercise. I resumed daily walks for an hour. I had eased my walks back to only a few times per week due to work and other stresses.

It is tremendously simple to walk when you are feeling good. It is unbelievably difficult to walk when energy is low, depression is in full swing and my agitation is sky high. Throw into the mix bad weather and challenges begin to mount. But no more excuses. I will walk daily for one hour.

They say exercise is critical for combating depression. I know there is truth to that because when my walking schedule was at its fullest of every day per week I was feeling better. We had a stretch of extremely hot and wet weather that derailed my schedule. I don't feel that led entirely to my downward turn, but it may have been contributing.

So, one hour per day for seven days a week. I walk in the city forest as there are a number of directions and loops to take. Not to mention they have a great bog walk on a man made wooden walkway. Walking on the wooden bog walk is truly wonderful with numerous pretty sights to see. Plus the sound of my footfalls on the wooden surface is exceptionally therapeutic, almost trancelike and peaceful.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Transitions

So, I'm feeling a little better today. In large part because I met with my therapist and he sheds some great light on my current situation. I mustn't rush to try and feel better by flying past crucial stages of grieving.

My underlying agitation could well be stemming from my current state of multiple transitions. Everything in my life is in transition; home, relationship, work, pets and my health.

Any one of these life situations could cause a person undo stress and agitation. Add them all together and it's no surprise that I'm climbing out of my skin.

His recommendation is to continue to meditate and find moments of joy in my current life. Things like pizza with friends, golf night, and motorcycle rides need to be points of highlighted joy and thankfulness. I also need to embrace my time alone, as painful as it is right now. Until I can be truly comfortable in my own skin all alone I won't be any good to anyone else.

For me right now that is the hardest time. Time spent alone brings up so many painful feelings. I need to come to terms with those feelings and cycle through the grief. If I don't I may well end up getting stuck. I need to stop pushing the sad feelings down when they arise, instead I need to embrace them in the moment, feel them, process them and try to move on.

Dark Journey

Well, the migraines have subsided, but my mood is still primarily dark. I can't seem to shake feeling down and depressed.

Even my meditation time has felt heavy and burdened. With my "mind in the moment" mindset I'm just trying to roll through it without fighting too much.

From the moment I'm waking till the moment I close my eyes at night I feel like a failure. I can't help but feel I screwed up the best relationship I ever had. I don't feel especially hopeful.

Funny, since the title of this blog is a hope filled life. I haven't felt especially hopeful lately and apologize for the dark tone of my posts.

I keep hoping that the pain, grief, depression, numbness and self loathing will cease. No luck on that front. Each day feels as heavy as the last. Each day feels burdened with just trying to survive. Work, eating, moving, sitting and virtually all activity is filled with dread and heaviness. Terrible really. I yearn for relief.

Mind Over Matter

Someone told me that feeling better is just a matter of mind over matter. Then, a few days later, I found the attached cartoon by Gary Larson. I had to laugh.

Mental illness is just like that post.  One simply can't pretend it isn't there and forge through the struggle unaffected. In order to come to terms with my illness I can't force myself to overcome it. I must instead come to terms with it and understand it.

Don't get me wrong, a positive mental outlook is important to hone. That is why I'm so invested in meditation. But our perceptions need to be realistic and grounded.

I can't will myself through a difficult day by grasping onto a mind over matter mentality. That would be the equivalent of trying to walk through a post!

I can however encourage myself to be positive and mindful when my days are struggles over my dark passenger. Depression is tremendously insidious that way. It digs in a stays awhile. Simply taking the mind over matter approach would neglect the root causes of why I feel so bad.

So instead of a mind over matter approach I think I'm taking a mind in the moment approach. I'm choosing to look my illness dead in the face with all of its ugliness and heartache. I do this with the hope of breaking through and being able to navigate past the post towards happier days.

Continuation of a Dark Mood

It has been a pretty dark string of days for me. A combination of migraine headaches, dark depression and intense irritability have been pressuring on me.

It is so difficult to understand why these moods just spring up from time to time. There is really nothing progressive about my recovery from this condition.

My fluctuating moods don't make a great deal of sense. Changes to medication have been minimal. My sleep has still been pretty good. No drastic changes to diet either. Even my social life has been fairly consistent with no downturns or major shake ups. However, I have been missing my partner a great deal.

It is hard missing someone so badly, but the feelings of greif associated with the loss are welcomed. Depression, as I have written before, is so damn numbing. The depressed state numbs all feeling and stifles every emotional outlet to the point of feeling dead inside. Greif, on the other hand, makes me feel like I am alive. Greif is tangible and it makes sense. I have had a loss and my sadness is due to that loss. This I can understand.

I can't understand the mind numbing greif, the paralyzed emotions, the stifled voice that fights to be heard. In short I just can't understand depression and its cruel cycle. It's a cycle that makes no sense and can be so crippling and emotionally paralyzing.

Migraine

Day two of dark mood central. I feel so heavy and out of sorts. Also I am plagued with a vicious migraine. The headache came on strong yesterday and when I woke this morning I had a full on migraine.

The migraine is causing nausea, light sensitivity and horrible pain. Mind numbing and thought distracting pain. I can't even think straight.

I don't feel much like eating, rather I just want to drink fluids. Driving is a challenge as the brightness is very distracting and quite uncomfortable.

Top it all off with a heavy case of depression and low self esteem and the day sucks. I don't know why the turn occurred in my mood. I know that fighting depression runs in cycles, but this feels extreme. The only change has been to increase my Abilify, but it shouldn't have this effect. I feel abit lost today.

Darkness of Mood

The terrible thing about struggling with depression is that for no reason it can crushingly return. I spent the better part of last night tumbling into a terrible sort of mood that I just couldn't escape from.

I went to bed early to try and evade the downturning mood. However when I woke I was fully in its grip. Darkness followed me throughout the day. I often thought it would be better if I wasn't around anymore.

Horrible. Inescapable. Pervasive and nagging. I passed my time today just trying to make it to the closing bell of work. The day was spent watching the clock minute by minute. The hours dragged.

Each thought that came to my mind were nothing but each one of my complete and utter failures. My failure with my partner, my children, my job, my dogs all cascaded down on me like some terrible rainstorm. A bitter and tumultuous day I want to put very far behind me. No reason why it should have struck. I hope this evening I can find some relief.

Impatience

One of the negative aspects of beginning to feel better after feeling bad for so long is impatience. Now I want to feel alot better and it needs to happen faster.

I don't want to wait for the long drawn out cycle of adjusting medicines. I feel the mood lightening and I want to chase the depression away as quickly as possible. I don't like having to wait.

My impatience is increasing as my sleep has really continued to be exceptional and I can feel lightness creeping back into my daily life. The underlying irritability still plagues me, but it feels like it may be getting better. I don't know if it is or isn't but my daily mood and feelings seem to be lighter.

The Abilify is increased and now I need to wait for abit before moving down on my dosage of the Lexapro. It's like that old Tom Petty song, "The waiting is the hardest part."

Part of what is hard in the waiting game is that I feel pretty revved up. I wouldn't call it anxiousness, it's more like stored up energy spilling out. My legs want to move, I can't sit still, I want to pace and constantly be in motion. I have been this way for awhile and I think it is the Lexapro firing up a hypomanic state. My thoughts don't match this feeling to move, rather it is my body feeling like it is turbo charged. It is pretty amazing that I'm sleeping.

In a nutshell, I'm impatient. I want to feel better now. Not tomorrow or the next day, but rather here and now. I'm glad my sleep continues to be so great, but I want my waking hours to be as enjoyable too.

Abilify

It has been six days since I began taking an increase in Abilify. I feel like it may be making a difference, but I am still on Lexapro. The Lexapro may be accentuating some irritability and anxiousness.

My depression feels like it is improving. However, I am still feeling pretty revved and irritable. It won't be clear what is causing this until I scale back the Lexapro.

I don't feel anymore of an increase in the anxiousness and irritability which is a good sign. That would have indicated the Abilify is the cause, whereas it appears it is the high dosages of Lexapro.

Bipolar II Mixed State seems to respond best to drugs like Abilify and it fairs rather poorly with a high dosage of antidepressants. Antidepressants can trigger the hypomania that causes so many problems. Such as irritability, anxiousness, low self esteem and self loathing.

It will be nice to move away from the antidepressants as they have some very unpleasant side effects. The drug Abilify has very few and it will be nice to feel more like myself without the nasty effects of Lexapro. Things like dry mouth, headaches and other effects that leave me feeling out of sorts with myself.

I will begin scaling back the antidepressants in a few weeks. The Abilify will hopefully help keep the depression and suicidal thoughts at bay. The antidepressants will be out of my system and I should be feeling worlds better. One can only hope.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Proper Tension

Our lives are like bicycle wheels that need to remain in proper tension. Each spoke pulls with a degree of tension to ensure the wheel remains true and can spin freely. To much tension in one direction can really disrupt the wheel and hence our lives.

The balance of work, relationships, recreation, sleep and our health are the spokes we need to periodically true up, or set straight. Lately, my work life has been extra busy and it has negatively effected my recreation time as well as my sleep.

I find that when the sales process slows up I work more frantically to make something happen. Normally the only thing that happens is that I become more stressed and frazzled by the longer hours. I put too much tension on those spokes and my wheel starts spinning out of shape.

It is in those times that I need to re-examine my life, check the spokes, and set them straight. If any portion of our lives takes up too much tension our life will spin abruptly. We need to periodically check in and examine our wheel's tension. Check the spokes for proper tension across the entire wheel. Make sure that sleep, work, relationships and recreation are all in proper balance.

Getting To Know Me Again

Living alone with depression, while not the easiest thing to do, may well be the best for me. I feel like a complete stranger to myself.

I have had months of some pretty traumatic losses. Losses, that by themselves, would most likely cripple anyone. But stack them like fragile playing cards and I'm a disaster waiting to unfold.

Living alone provides me with the escape I need to come undone. Holding it together while I'm at work is exhausting. By the end of my work day I'm at the edge of coming unglued.

Getting together with friends is a welcome release, but I'm still early in the recovery process. I still have a limited amount of emotional energy that needs to be let out. My alone time is helping with that release. I can let my guard down and not worry about keeping it all together.

Of course there is a fine line between alone time and isolation. Isolation is unhealthy for anyone with depression. I do take advantage of every chance to be out and to be social, but also take care of my need for recovering alone time.

My alone time is vital for me to rediscover who I am and what I need. I'm newly diagnosed with a significant mental illness that will require lifelong maintenance. My hospitalization and suicidal ideation is a serious issue that could easily cycle again if I'm not cautious. Caring for myself and my recovery needs to be my primary requirement right now. I need to get to know me again.

Up With The Sun

Since beginning a practice of meditation I have found there to many pluses to waking and rising with the sun. In large part my new early rising has me to bed earlier and sleep is exceptionally good for treating depression.

Waking early is a wonderful way to begin the day in a state of calmness suited to positive meditation. For the most part the world at large isn't in gear yet and there is a stillness about the early hours of the morning.

Rising early also reminds me of the importance of a true foundation of mindfulness throughout my day. We can so easily slip into automatic pilot, falling into daily habits. By practicing meditation early in the morning it raises my awareness and calls me to a higher standard than just purely sleeping in.

Instead of staying tucked under the covers the act of waking and rising speaks to intentionality. By setting my time to wake early as the sun is rising I am creating a new discipline devoted to my health and well being. I am active in changing my existing depressed life for one filled with greater hopes and change. This simple act of commitment will evoke change, and it is change I can already perceive.

Don't get me wrong, I love to sleep in from time to time. However, as of late the benefits and positive feelings I have from waking early are helping in my recovery. I can feel a degree of calmness I have glimpsed occasionally become more apparent in my daily life. Here is to greeting the sun.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Bipolar II Mixed State

It has been a number of weeks since the possibility of Bipolar II Mixed State was suggested by my health care provider. After considerable time reading up on the condition and counseling with my therapist changes are in store.

We will begin making small changes to my medication regiment in hopes that the underlying conditions caused by the Bipolar II Mixed State can be relieved. My time taking antidepressants has not helped. Approximately seven different antidepressants have been tried with minor positive effects.

Most of the antidepressants have had a rather significant negative effect. Primarily they have exacerbated my degree of irritability and agitation. I am now told this should have been a red flag for my treating physician at the time. We are all only human and everyone makes mistakes. The important fact is that we are on the right track now.

My current medications are Lexapro, Aripiprazole and Inderal. In an effort to get at quieting the agitation and irritability we will be raising the dosage of the Aripiprazole, which is a mood stabilizer, and hopefully the depression will ebb as well. Once my dosage of Aripiprazole has increased and the irritability lessens we will scale back the Lexapro.

The Lexapro may well be triggering my hypomania. My elevated irritability and agitation could well be accelerated by the Lexapro due to the Bipolar II Mixed State and its interactions with the antidepressant. Some people report that Lexapro will rev them up. Seeing as I am feeling accelerated, irritable and heavily depressed this antidepressant may be the cause. Because the depression is a result of the Bipolar II Mixed State, I may benefit from only taking the Aripiprazole as a monotherapy and avoiding conventional antidepressant therapies. Time and patience will soon tell.

I was at odds with being labeled as Bipolar. The society at large doesn't shine a very sympathetic light on mental illness. I think I am in a space now where it doesn't matter what label I am stuck with. What matters for me now is to begin feeling better. To spend a day where I feel genuinely happy and pleased to be alive. If being called Bipolar helps me get the help I need so be it. Bring on the wellness!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Support Network

When any of us become ill or our moods turn downward due to life's events we need a support network. Support networks can mean the difference between death and survival.

Canadian Geese are truly magical in this demonstration of a support network. As you watch them fly in their seasonal formations keep in mind the intricate inner workings of their collective.

To begin with, the v formation they fly in is a true example of camaraderie and a collective effort. The shape of the v helps them to reduce wind resistance for those who follow the lead goose. They can fly greater distances without rest breaks due to the reduced amount of effort this formation requires of each goose in the group.

The other interesting point of the v formation is that the lead goose works the hardest to maintain the overall pace of the formation. Because the lead goose works the hardest they all revolve through stints at the lead as the group progresses on their journey. Each goose will have numerous times when they lead the formation and also drop back to share in the reduced effort the formation creates.

If for some reason a goose falls out of the formation, two other geese will follow suit, drop out of the formation and tend to the needs of the goose who has been dropped. If the goose needs to land due to injury the other two comrades will follow the goose down to assure its safety. The two geese will remain with the companion until it is ready to return to flight or dies. This benevolent act is quite amazing. A goose is never left alone to fend for itself unless it is grieving the loss of its partner.

Yes, if a goose looses its partner it will mourn by itself for quite sometime. This is the only time the goose would be by itself to process the loss. Initially the goose will have supports but in time will isolate while it grieves. After the grieving process the goose will return to its group or blend into another community of geese.

We can learn from this close and collective effort. Never to fend for ourselves, but rather always to be supported by a close and nurturing support system. Depression really isn't unlike other illnesses that require support. We can benefit from a few good wingmen in our lives. A few strong supports who can help us laugh, support us while we cry, and encourage us when we are struggling.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Symbols

There are so many symbols we can use to help ground our lives. Two of my favorites are water and mountains. When you combine the two you really have winning symbols for a meditative practice.

The corresponding photo is one I found while online. This photo is of the Bubble's at Jordan Pond in Bar Harbor Maine. I am frequently there for work and play and use this image as my meditative visual. This location has also provided me with a great deal of joy.

For me, the mountains symbolize strength and dignity. When I meditate with the image in mind of the Bubbles at Jordan Pond, I feel their strength inspire me. The image provides a great deal of comfort and a state of being I wish to attain. They are resilient, stoic and strong.

The water is also an exceptional vehicle for symbolism during meditation. Moving or coursing water speaks of inspiration and pathways and journeys toward recovery. Smooth, still water on the other hand provides the tranquil, calming and restorative mood needed to help provide grounding and contemplation.

Symbols have become an important part of my recovery from depression. Using these symbols in the images I choose during the meditative practice is also providing me with ways to recharge and unwind. I interlace my focus on the image and my drawing breath. In your meditation practice I encourage you to try incorporating a few themed images to help you focus. You may find it works wonders.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Therapy

As part of my recovery I see a therapist once a week. He is a great guy and we have begun getting to know one another. The time is greatly beneficial.

It can be a real daunting task to speak to someone about my inner darkness. Even someone that I know quite well would be a challenge, but a virtual stranger is something completely different. However we are getting along rather well.

I find he is moving slowly to help me with all of the transitions and loss I am faced with. For this I am grateful. It can be overwhelming to think of it all at once.

He has begun by helping me with the loss of my dogs. I had to give them up for adoption due to my change in home status. I tried to locate an apartment that would accept pets to no avail.

My sense of loss and grief over losing my girls is at times unbearable. The pain I feel over giving them up paralyzes me with regret and guilt. Dogs love us with such unconditional abandon it is terribly painful to feel that I did them an injustice. My therapist has helped ease my feelings of guilt and delivered for me some much needed perspective. I worked to find a shelter that did not euthanize their pets and with the help of my sister both girls now have loving homes. I did right by them when my options were incredibly limited.

I hope those of you out there seeing a therapist have had success with your partnership. After all, it is a partnership that can help us to grow stronger and more aware of our conditions. With the guidance of our therapists we can begin to lead healthy, contented and more aware lives. We can act instead of react, plan instead of procrastinate, and live instead of merely survive.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Calmness

I'm not entirely sure why, but over the past few days I have felt exceptionally calm. I don't feel particularly depressed or down, my heart isn't aching abnormally, and I have been sleeping very well.

I'm striving to stay in the present and enjoy this new found feeling, because as experience has shown me it may not last. The old worries and unresolved grief may rise up and try and swallow me.

I have had a few anxious moments when a heaviness suddenly washes over me, but the spells haven't been prolonged. They typically come to me in the early morning hours, or in the evening as the hectic pace of the day gives way to down time.

The moments when I have time to sit and ponder are the problem times. When my mind is free to explore my current state is when trouble flows in. The flow can turn from a trickle to a flood in a heartbeat. As of late the downtimes have been overwhelmingly calm. No depression, self loathing and despair. These things have been absent from my days and nights.

I know I still have a great deal to contend with, but I'm pleased with this reprieve. Depression and this illness have taken a great deal from me that I have yet to fully explore and deal with. Truly I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of my pain, loss and grief.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Sleep Hygiene

When I was in hospital I learned about the benefits of good sleep hygiene. This is just a fancy way to talk about the presleep rituals that can lead to a beneficial nights rest. It really can provide you with a super string of good night sleeps.

Our bodies become used to the rituals we set them through each day. We become used to waking at certain hours and our bodies crave sleep at certain times based on the schedules we keep. Our bodies will also prepare for sleep better if the ritual is the same each night and morning.

I have recently had a great string of some wonderful nights of uninterrupted sleep. For people with depression sleep can be very fleeting. This lack of sleep can really cause a spiral and downward turn for the worse. Poor sleeping patterns can also exacerbate a person's symptoms suffering with Bipolar. Good sleep can mean the difference between a healthy life and hospitalization.

I have developed my own sleep hygiene rituals and this has helped me maintain a healthy sleeping pattern. I take my medication at the same time each evening. I meditate for twenty minutes prior to sleep each night as well. The meditation at night helps tell my mind that I am readying for sleep. Setting my sleep at the same time each night also helps my body clock. My body and mind have learned that these rituals indicate sleep.

For me there is no better relief from the symptoms of depression other than a good nights rest. I wake refreshed and ready for the challenges of the day. Each night of good sleep is like topping of my fuel tank before a long journey. It helps to fuel me through the following day.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

The Dignified Posture

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes at considerable length and diversity about the preferred posture while meditating. He states, "So, when we take our seat in meditation and remind ourselves to sit with dignity, we are coming back to our original worthiness."

Taking the time to create a space for meditation and also the correct posture to meditate with does indeed make a difference. If I sit relaxed I radiate low energy and passivity. If I sit tensely, well I'm just trying to direct to much, try to hard.

Jon Kabat Zinn uses the word dignity. "Everybody seems to instantly know that inner feeling of dignity and how to embody it." It can be hard, as I fight with depression, to feel dignified. To use the word dignity also takes into account that a person feels somehow worthwhile. Being ill has torn my self esteem and worthiness a great big hole. I fight feelings of worthlessness constantly.

When I am able to embody dignity I find that I sit with strong intentionality. My body in essence is making my mind ready for being open and ready. My meditation time is much more complete and fulfilling when I can begin with the correct posture. The mind does follow the body.

Being Present

Being present is one of the hardest things for me with depression. My mind races over everything I have done to place me in a miserable state; isolation, irritability and depressive apathy. It can be a real burden.

So, once again on Thursday, I hit the links with my friends. Two hours of concentrating on the present. Golf forces me into the here and now. I focus on my feet and where they are placed. I concentrate on keeping the club face adjacent to the ball. My hands occupy me with how they intertwine. The ball needs to know where I want it to go now; not the last hole or the next, rather the now hole!

Golf and the course also causes me to tune into my friends, how they are feeling and doing. We talk about things we just can't during our work day. The calmness of the course and the surroundings brings about connections. The social element is also very satisfying; the laughter, support and friendships are priceless.

Who could have guessed that the little game of golf could effect so much change. I feel the time together with my friends, the focus of the game and the beauty of the surroundings is doing wonders for me. Each week I count the days until Thursday at 5:00. Fore!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Brighter Days

A good nights sleep, again. Meditation that felt refreshing and hopeful. A bright sunny summer day. Things are feeling brighter, even for just a day I will accept it with open heartfelt arms!

I also am feeling better about the possibility of having bipolar disorder. The more I read about mixed state the more I recognize the symptoms as my own. If it will mean a relief to my struggles than I will also accept it with open heartfelt arms.

The daily self loathing, depression, irritability and anxious energy are all key indicators for mixed state diagnosis. If the medicines will be better able to target my symptoms than I am ready.

Until then, I will enjoy feeling up, enjoy feeling the sun and continue to hope for brighter and better days.

Awareness

I recently posted about my meditation practice going poorly. I found I was trying to manage and manipulate my meditation time. Instead of observing and concentrating on my breath I was trying to do.

In my reading over the 4th I discovered a great passage that I feel will be exceptionally helpful. Jon Kabat-Zinn writes about awareness, "Awareness is more like a vessel which can hold and contain our thinking, helping us to see and know our thoughts as thoughts rather than getting caught up in them as reality.".

This is a solid prime directive. Awareness isn't thought, rather it is the supreme state of being present. Present to our thoughts in a relationship that doesn't judge, manipulate or act. We move beyond thinking and become one in a state of complete wakefulness.

The idea of meditation for me is to become more of an observer of my thoughts and being so that I will hopefully gain perspective. I want my thoughts to be of service to me instead of me servicing my thoughts. Instead of depression, anxiety and grief derailing me I hope to gain a sense of inner calmness when those storms approach. By practice, learning and understanding I hope to reach that calm place along the pathway to sit and observe, sit and learn, and finally sit and understand my relationship to my thoughts.

Fireworks

Normally weekends are dreadful due to the down time and lack of diversions. Too much time to think for someone with depression can be a grueling experience. Not this weekend!

I struggled to come to terms with decorating and setting up my new apartment. I dragged my way through picking out some curtains and thought that hanging them would be a rotten chore. I was wrong.

Once I was home and began setting the rods up I fell into a nice little rhythm. I determined on my ride home to think positive and embrace change. I found that I was enjoying myself.

Curtains are now hung, bathrooms are now all set and my kitchen is taking shape. My little space is beginning to feel like a home. I even have a little corner for an office. Now I need to arrange cable TV and internet service and I will be set.

My friend also encouraged me to come to a cookout on Sunday. It was a great outing to meet some new people and hangout with some friends. I fought the urge to hunker down and hide out. I broke out of my depression routine of lying low and it felt good.

I even found that the downtime wasn't overcome with deep dark moments of depression ridden anxiety. I struggled some at night and in the mornings, but overall it was manageable and unobtrusive. I know in large part it has been due to sleep. My sleep has been very good, deep and restful. That makes so much of a difference with my symptoms of depression.

So, instead of a weekend of angst and depression I have managed it well with positive thinking, sleep and a little bit of luck. I am hopeful to be able to string a few more good days together and to keep my sleep deep and healthy.

Happy 4th of July!!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

July 3rd

Sluice by Matt June 2011

The path. The path to a healthy life. The path is my current journey towards recovery. My meditation regiment has derailed slightly from the path, I think because I began trying to force a direction.

Instead of simply following the path, I have begun trying to cleave my way through a forest of depression. I went off my path a few weeks ago and just realized it this morning. I have ventured away from my goal of seeking to develop a safe refuge.

Simply put, I am now constructing my meditations instead of observing a flow of images and thoughts. I no longer am content to sit beside my thoughts and imagery, focused on my breathing. I have become a dam builder.

My new goal for my meditations will be to return to my initial images, practices and mindset. I will sit and observe my thoughts without trying to control, impede or manipulate. I will return to the focus upon my breathing.

Instead of having my meditation time be the refuge I was seeking, I began declaring war on depression. I began constructing ways to keep depression away and I lost the pure intentions of my practice. My initial goal was really to create a port of solace, a place of relaxing beauty to help recharge. To be completely honest I am now expending too much energy for it to be relaxing or restful.

Back to the path!

Making A Home

During the course of struggling with depression and trying to come to terms with what was happening to me I lost my home. My relationship broke down due to my disconnectedness and irritability and she asked for me to leave. I simply burned my partner out.

So, I am trying to put some semblance of a life back together again. I can tell you it is exhausting. I typically enjoy all facets of home life, decorating, cleaning and cooking. But this time around I despise every second of it.

I believe it is due in large part to the grief over losing my partner. I'm not built for being a bachelor. I don't enjoy the alone time and the emptiness. I'm not enjoying having to sort out an apartment at all. Having to pick out curtains, bathroom accessories and other miscellaneous items is really an inconvenient chore right now.

Today I picked out curtains. A simple task that felt monumental and draining. The only thing worse than the act of picking them out is that I'll need to hang them when I get home. Home, a short time in my new apartment and it is beginning to feel like home. Well, I'm not sure if it feels like home, but it is certainly beginning to feel like my space, my place.

Depression has that joy sucking quality about it. I apologize for my whiny mood, but this condition is really getting old and tiresome. I hope for a shift soon with the possible new diagnosis and treatment for Mixed State Bipolar Disorder. Maybe I will begin to feel like my old optimistic self again soon.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Camaraderie

As anyone who suffers from depression will know, there is a consistent inner struggle to desire social connections while being drawn towards isolation. I fight that battle on a daily basis.

When I'm healthy I'm a very social person, desiring contact and involvement at a frequent and deep level. That is most likely why I enjoy being a salesman so much. At those healthy moments I'm clearly in my element. The relationship building process of a sale is very rewarding and a great deal of fun.

So, as a major component of my recovery from depression I have begun to schedule in social time. Thursday nights are a prime focus of my week. Each Thursday, my friends and I gather for a game of golf. The camaraderie we share fills me up and helps me grow stronger.

The one thing that this camaraderie is showing me is that we are all walking wounded. Each of us, even the seemingly healthy ones, have crosses to bear and struggles to overcome. We all desire contact and intimacy, while struggling with feelings of low self esteem. I never understood how prevalent self doubt has become in our culture.

This camaraderie is vital for me, and it really seems so for my friends as well. It is a great time to lighten up, laugh and reconnect. These moments help me feel less alone, less anxious and less depressed. The time with my friends has lasting effects typically well through the weekend.

Camaraderie is exceptionally beneficial!

Optimism

If ignorance breeds fear, then knowledge gives way to optimism. Optimism is my new buzz word, along with some of my favorites; hope, positive thinking, meditation and recovery.

Although my blog has had some pretty dark posts, and will again I'm certain, I am an optimistic person by nature. I genuinely want to get better and leave behind the heaviness, pessimism and hopelessness of depression.

Suffering with depression only to be met repeatedly with medications that don't relieve my symptoms has been frustrating to say the least. Now, with the prospect of a new diagnosis, recovery may actually be closer at hand.

Granted I need to come to terms with a seemingly more profound mental health issue, but if it means the daily pain, heartache and agony will be relieved then I must find a way to do so. I am most worried about the social stigma attached to mental illness. Depression is a struggle that more people can understand and sympathize with. Bipolar Disorder, in all it's variations, is less socially understood and I believe met with a higher degree of caution and worry.

So, to follow my opening motto, maybe I need to become involved in a support group that helps foster a better understanding of Bipolar Disorder in the community. Knowledge gives way to optimism!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Bipolar II

So it does appear that bipolar II mixed state will be the correct diagnosis for my condition. Typical bipolar involves manic episodes that I don't experience. Rather, my mania or manic episodes involve agitation and irritability.

This explains a great deal for me in regards to my own feelings during my decline into hospitalization. My level of day to day agitation was growing at alarming rates. Mixed with my deep and dark depressed state I also experienced pronounced periods of high energy mixed with agitation and irritability.

My next step will be to formally address this with my primary medication manager. It would appear that a change is in order. My current medication regiment has not been as effective over the past few weeks. Possibly a change will be needed to move from my current course into one that can better manage my depressed agony while also taming some of my agitation and irritability.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Pain

I believe it is time to address the possibility head on that my condition is not depression alone. Mixed State Bipolar may well be the issue plaguing me. It feels as if my antidepressant has withered in it's effectiveness.

I feel like going to sleep earlier and rising later. It is growing hard to get out of my own miserable way. My confidence is tested, my irritability is increasing and my energy level is flat and lethargic.

Thoughts of escape and suicide visit me more often during the day. My dark mood persists for longer periods of the day, especially as I head off to bed and rise in the morning. I just can't seem to find relief.

Even my social interactions feel fake, forced and require a great deal of energy. I feel like I'm going through the motions in a joyless vacuum. My head, heart and body feel heavy and sad throughout the day.

I don't want to be rehospitalized, but if that is going to be the answer to getting me on a stable progressive track then I'm all for it. I know at the least it may require a significant change in my medication. I feel like I'm a yoyo, up one day and then down the next. I need to feel stable and more in control of my desperate mood and state of mind.

June 27th

Sunshine. Sunshine is a vital ingredient to aiding my battle with depression. Along with my daily meditations, exercise is a key component to my recovery. Nothing lifts my mood quite like sunshine.

Whether it is my daily walk in the city forest, chipping a few golf balls at the local school near where I have been staying or my daily drives to see clients, sunshine is a great mood elevator.

I can really feel a difference on days where there are grey skies or rainy drizzle. Especially if there are a number of darker days linked together. The grey skies directly somber my mood, bringing me face to face with the heavy cruelness that is depression.

Rainy or grey days present a challenge, what to do with the pending down time and idle mind. Typically I attempt to fill my schedule with activities. Of course on a rainy day the opportunities are limited.

Grey days aren't as difficult. Primarily because I can still get out and walk, golf or bike. While not as fun as when it is sunny, the exercise component can still be met. Not to mention my social need to meet with friends for a game of nine holes or simply to hang out and have some conversation and a few laughs.

Here is wishing you all a bright sunny day!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Transitions

One guarantee in living with depression is that you will encounter numerous transitions in your life. Since being diagnosed with depression and being hospitalized in April I have had a number of transitions.

Hospitalization for one. Fourteen days of being hospitalized in a mental health facility will have you facing many new hurdles. I managed to keep my job, was introduced to a whole new vocabulary and was faced with having to make life changes to help my recovery with depression.

Once outside of the hospital I had to deal with a number of personal transitions. The loss of my relationship with my partner, a strained relationship with my teenage children, the loss of my home and my dogs. I have also been faced with transitioning into a life of mental illness. Another transition has been facing work with depression, as my depression is still not under control I am faced with extremely tough days.

For me they are all extremely difficult to cope with. Especially as of recently having my diagnosis expanded or changed. Mixed State Bipolar is another transition for me to wade through and cope with. I'm still coming to terms with that one. Nothing has been finalized yet, but it is beginning to add up and make a great deal of sense to me.

I'm sure over the next few weeks there will be many more transitions. I'm confident that I have the right supports in place, both professionally and personally, so I know things will work out.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Knowledge

Ledge Falls by Matt May 2011

Ignorance can truly bring rise to fear. Often I don't even know what I am fearful of, I just feel the fear swelling up inside me. The possible diagnosis of mixed state bipolar has had me afraid.

I have begun doing some reading and I can honestly say that I feel the fears subsiding a bit. I'm not entirely without fears, mixed state bipolar is by all accounts very difficult to treat.

I have read that sufferers of this disorder have a very tough time finding relief and gaining momentum in their recovery. While this worries me for my own sanity and peace of mind, I'm working to understand this disorder and quell the fears rising.

There are a number of descriptions that truly do match my own predicament. I do suffer from a deep and dark depression that is laced with agitation and anxiety. I have periods where I am able to get a lot done and seem to have an abundance of energy, while they are laced with periods of heavy lethargy.

There may be cause to explore this further. I have tried over half a dozen antidepressants with no luck. My current, Lexapro, seemed to give me a bounce but it has whimped out for me. I have more periods of deep depression each day as time has passed. I'm currently at the tenth week of being on my current maximum dose, so maybe mixed state bipolar it is.

I will continue to keep you all posted.

Take Care Of Yourselves!