Waves

As I struggle to come to grips with my illness the grief has been battering me with waves throughout my day and week. The grief is so present that I haven't had the mental energy to blog, so, my entries have been few and far between.

The main source of my despair revolves around my parting ways with a partner of over five years time. Those of you unlucky enough to suffer from depression know how the isolating nature of the illness can snuff the life out of even the most dynamic of relationships.

I'm grieving my loss of self and the broken relationships that has left behind. Morning, noon and night are full of torrential waves of sadness and despair. The pain is so tangible that it sucks the very air from my chest. The physical sensations of a tightening chest and pain riddled throat are vivid. As the waves descend it begins in my throat, a painful tightening as if words can't escape overcomes me.

The waves come with no reason or warning. This makes for very uncomfortable days as I try and deal with business and friends. There is never any telling as to when the waves come, they just appear with a ferocious presence. A memory, place, song or conversation may trigger the waves to come, but there is never any sureness. I can pass the same location numerous times with no perceived pain, but then one time it will trigger the waves and they engulf me with their fury.

They say that the more the grief comes over time the pain should begin to subside. I believe right now the grief is on the increase for me. I feel as if a very deep well has been opened and I'm descending into it. My counselor tells me this is the hardest part of recovery, to deal with the grief, and path back to wellness. Time will heal.