Continuation of a Dark Mood

It has been a pretty dark string of days for me. A combination of migraine headaches, dark depression and intense irritability have been pressuring on me.

It is so difficult to understand why these moods just spring up from time to time. There is really nothing progressive about my recovery from this condition.

My fluctuating moods don't make a great deal of sense. Changes to medication have been minimal. My sleep has still been pretty good. No drastic changes to diet either. Even my social life has been fairly consistent with no downturns or major shake ups. However, I have been missing my partner a great deal.

It is hard missing someone so badly, but the feelings of greif associated with the loss are welcomed. Depression, as I have written before, is so damn numbing. The depressed state numbs all feeling and stifles every emotional outlet to the point of feeling dead inside. Greif, on the other hand, makes me feel like I am alive. Greif is tangible and it makes sense. I have had a loss and my sadness is due to that loss. This I can understand.

I can't understand the mind numbing greif, the paralyzed emotions, the stifled voice that fights to be heard. In short I just can't understand depression and its cruel cycle. It's a cycle that makes no sense and can be so crippling and emotionally paralyzing.

Migraine

Day two of dark mood central. I feel so heavy and out of sorts. Also I am plagued with a vicious migraine. The headache came on strong yesterday and when I woke this morning I had a full on migraine.

The migraine is causing nausea, light sensitivity and horrible pain. Mind numbing and thought distracting pain. I can't even think straight.

I don't feel much like eating, rather I just want to drink fluids. Driving is a challenge as the brightness is very distracting and quite uncomfortable.

Top it all off with a heavy case of depression and low self esteem and the day sucks. I don't know why the turn occurred in my mood. I know that fighting depression runs in cycles, but this feels extreme. The only change has been to increase my Abilify, but it shouldn't have this effect. I feel abit lost today.

Darkness of Mood

The terrible thing about struggling with depression is that for no reason it can crushingly return. I spent the better part of last night tumbling into a terrible sort of mood that I just couldn't escape from.

I went to bed early to try and evade the downturning mood. However when I woke I was fully in its grip. Darkness followed me throughout the day. I often thought it would be better if I wasn't around anymore.

Horrible. Inescapable. Pervasive and nagging. I passed my time today just trying to make it to the closing bell of work. The day was spent watching the clock minute by minute. The hours dragged.

Each thought that came to my mind were nothing but each one of my complete and utter failures. My failure with my partner, my children, my job, my dogs all cascaded down on me like some terrible rainstorm. A bitter and tumultuous day I want to put very far behind me. No reason why it should have struck. I hope this evening I can find some relief.

Impatience

One of the negative aspects of beginning to feel better after feeling bad for so long is impatience. Now I want to feel alot better and it needs to happen faster.

I don't want to wait for the long drawn out cycle of adjusting medicines. I feel the mood lightening and I want to chase the depression away as quickly as possible. I don't like having to wait.

My impatience is increasing as my sleep has really continued to be exceptional and I can feel lightness creeping back into my daily life. The underlying irritability still plagues me, but it feels like it may be getting better. I don't know if it is or isn't but my daily mood and feelings seem to be lighter.

The Abilify is increased and now I need to wait for abit before moving down on my dosage of the Lexapro. It's like that old Tom Petty song, "The waiting is the hardest part."

Part of what is hard in the waiting game is that I feel pretty revved up. I wouldn't call it anxiousness, it's more like stored up energy spilling out. My legs want to move, I can't sit still, I want to pace and constantly be in motion. I have been this way for awhile and I think it is the Lexapro firing up a hypomanic state. My thoughts don't match this feeling to move, rather it is my body feeling like it is turbo charged. It is pretty amazing that I'm sleeping.

In a nutshell, I'm impatient. I want to feel better now. Not tomorrow or the next day, but rather here and now. I'm glad my sleep continues to be so great, but I want my waking hours to be as enjoyable too.

Abilify

It has been six days since I began taking an increase in Abilify. I feel like it may be making a difference, but I am still on Lexapro. The Lexapro may be accentuating some irritability and anxiousness.

My depression feels like it is improving. However, I am still feeling pretty revved and irritable. It won't be clear what is causing this until I scale back the Lexapro.

I don't feel anymore of an increase in the anxiousness and irritability which is a good sign. That would have indicated the Abilify is the cause, whereas it appears it is the high dosages of Lexapro.

Bipolar II Mixed State seems to respond best to drugs like Abilify and it fairs rather poorly with a high dosage of antidepressants. Antidepressants can trigger the hypomania that causes so many problems. Such as irritability, anxiousness, low self esteem and self loathing.

It will be nice to move away from the antidepressants as they have some very unpleasant side effects. The drug Abilify has very few and it will be nice to feel more like myself without the nasty effects of Lexapro. Things like dry mouth, headaches and other effects that leave me feeling out of sorts with myself.

I will begin scaling back the antidepressants in a few weeks. The Abilify will hopefully help keep the depression and suicidal thoughts at bay. The antidepressants will be out of my system and I should be feeling worlds better. One can only hope.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Proper Tension

Our lives are like bicycle wheels that need to remain in proper tension. Each spoke pulls with a degree of tension to ensure the wheel remains true and can spin freely. To much tension in one direction can really disrupt the wheel and hence our lives.

The balance of work, relationships, recreation, sleep and our health are the spokes we need to periodically true up, or set straight. Lately, my work life has been extra busy and it has negatively effected my recreation time as well as my sleep.

I find that when the sales process slows up I work more frantically to make something happen. Normally the only thing that happens is that I become more stressed and frazzled by the longer hours. I put too much tension on those spokes and my wheel starts spinning out of shape.

It is in those times that I need to re-examine my life, check the spokes, and set them straight. If any portion of our lives takes up too much tension our life will spin abruptly. We need to periodically check in and examine our wheel's tension. Check the spokes for proper tension across the entire wheel. Make sure that sleep, work, relationships and recreation are all in proper balance.

Getting To Know Me Again

Living alone with depression, while not the easiest thing to do, may well be the best for me. I feel like a complete stranger to myself.

I have had months of some pretty traumatic losses. Losses, that by themselves, would most likely cripple anyone. But stack them like fragile playing cards and I'm a disaster waiting to unfold.

Living alone provides me with the escape I need to come undone. Holding it together while I'm at work is exhausting. By the end of my work day I'm at the edge of coming unglued.

Getting together with friends is a welcome release, but I'm still early in the recovery process. I still have a limited amount of emotional energy that needs to be let out. My alone time is helping with that release. I can let my guard down and not worry about keeping it all together.

Of course there is a fine line between alone time and isolation. Isolation is unhealthy for anyone with depression. I do take advantage of every chance to be out and to be social, but also take care of my need for recovering alone time.

My alone time is vital for me to rediscover who I am and what I need. I'm newly diagnosed with a significant mental illness that will require lifelong maintenance. My hospitalization and suicidal ideation is a serious issue that could easily cycle again if I'm not cautious. Caring for myself and my recovery needs to be my primary requirement right now. I need to get to know me again.

Up With The Sun

Since beginning a practice of meditation I have found there to many pluses to waking and rising with the sun. In large part my new early rising has me to bed earlier and sleep is exceptionally good for treating depression.

Waking early is a wonderful way to begin the day in a state of calmness suited to positive meditation. For the most part the world at large isn't in gear yet and there is a stillness about the early hours of the morning.

Rising early also reminds me of the importance of a true foundation of mindfulness throughout my day. We can so easily slip into automatic pilot, falling into daily habits. By practicing meditation early in the morning it raises my awareness and calls me to a higher standard than just purely sleeping in.

Instead of staying tucked under the covers the act of waking and rising speaks to intentionality. By setting my time to wake early as the sun is rising I am creating a new discipline devoted to my health and well being. I am active in changing my existing depressed life for one filled with greater hopes and change. This simple act of commitment will evoke change, and it is change I can already perceive.

Don't get me wrong, I love to sleep in from time to time. However, as of late the benefits and positive feelings I have from waking early are helping in my recovery. I can feel a degree of calmness I have glimpsed occasionally become more apparent in my daily life. Here is to greeting the sun.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Bipolar II Mixed State

It has been a number of weeks since the possibility of Bipolar II Mixed State was suggested by my health care provider. After considerable time reading up on the condition and counseling with my therapist changes are in store.

We will begin making small changes to my medication regiment in hopes that the underlying conditions caused by the Bipolar II Mixed State can be relieved. My time taking antidepressants has not helped. Approximately seven different antidepressants have been tried with minor positive effects.

Most of the antidepressants have had a rather significant negative effect. Primarily they have exacerbated my degree of irritability and agitation. I am now told this should have been a red flag for my treating physician at the time. We are all only human and everyone makes mistakes. The important fact is that we are on the right track now.

My current medications are Lexapro, Aripiprazole and Inderal. In an effort to get at quieting the agitation and irritability we will be raising the dosage of the Aripiprazole, which is a mood stabilizer, and hopefully the depression will ebb as well. Once my dosage of Aripiprazole has increased and the irritability lessens we will scale back the Lexapro.

The Lexapro may well be triggering my hypomania. My elevated irritability and agitation could well be accelerated by the Lexapro due to the Bipolar II Mixed State and its interactions with the antidepressant. Some people report that Lexapro will rev them up. Seeing as I am feeling accelerated, irritable and heavily depressed this antidepressant may be the cause. Because the depression is a result of the Bipolar II Mixed State, I may benefit from only taking the Aripiprazole as a monotherapy and avoiding conventional antidepressant therapies. Time and patience will soon tell.

I was at odds with being labeled as Bipolar. The society at large doesn't shine a very sympathetic light on mental illness. I think I am in a space now where it doesn't matter what label I am stuck with. What matters for me now is to begin feeling better. To spend a day where I feel genuinely happy and pleased to be alive. If being called Bipolar helps me get the help I need so be it. Bring on the wellness!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Support Network

When any of us become ill or our moods turn downward due to life's events we need a support network. Support networks can mean the difference between death and survival.

Canadian Geese are truly magical in this demonstration of a support network. As you watch them fly in their seasonal formations keep in mind the intricate inner workings of their collective.

To begin with, the v formation they fly in is a true example of camaraderie and a collective effort. The shape of the v helps them to reduce wind resistance for those who follow the lead goose. They can fly greater distances without rest breaks due to the reduced amount of effort this formation requires of each goose in the group.

The other interesting point of the v formation is that the lead goose works the hardest to maintain the overall pace of the formation. Because the lead goose works the hardest they all revolve through stints at the lead as the group progresses on their journey. Each goose will have numerous times when they lead the formation and also drop back to share in the reduced effort the formation creates.

If for some reason a goose falls out of the formation, two other geese will follow suit, drop out of the formation and tend to the needs of the goose who has been dropped. If the goose needs to land due to injury the other two comrades will follow the goose down to assure its safety. The two geese will remain with the companion until it is ready to return to flight or dies. This benevolent act is quite amazing. A goose is never left alone to fend for itself unless it is grieving the loss of its partner.

Yes, if a goose looses its partner it will mourn by itself for quite sometime. This is the only time the goose would be by itself to process the loss. Initially the goose will have supports but in time will isolate while it grieves. After the grieving process the goose will return to its group or blend into another community of geese.

We can learn from this close and collective effort. Never to fend for ourselves, but rather always to be supported by a close and nurturing support system. Depression really isn't unlike other illnesses that require support. We can benefit from a few good wingmen in our lives. A few strong supports who can help us laugh, support us while we cry, and encourage us when we are struggling.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Symbols

There are so many symbols we can use to help ground our lives. Two of my favorites are water and mountains. When you combine the two you really have winning symbols for a meditative practice.

The corresponding photo is one I found while online. This photo is of the Bubble's at Jordan Pond in Bar Harbor Maine. I am frequently there for work and play and use this image as my meditative visual. This location has also provided me with a great deal of joy.

For me, the mountains symbolize strength and dignity. When I meditate with the image in mind of the Bubbles at Jordan Pond, I feel their strength inspire me. The image provides a great deal of comfort and a state of being I wish to attain. They are resilient, stoic and strong.

The water is also an exceptional vehicle for symbolism during meditation. Moving or coursing water speaks of inspiration and pathways and journeys toward recovery. Smooth, still water on the other hand provides the tranquil, calming and restorative mood needed to help provide grounding and contemplation.

Symbols have become an important part of my recovery from depression. Using these symbols in the images I choose during the meditative practice is also providing me with ways to recharge and unwind. I interlace my focus on the image and my drawing breath. In your meditation practice I encourage you to try incorporating a few themed images to help you focus. You may find it works wonders.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Therapy

As part of my recovery I see a therapist once a week. He is a great guy and we have begun getting to know one another. The time is greatly beneficial.

It can be a real daunting task to speak to someone about my inner darkness. Even someone that I know quite well would be a challenge, but a virtual stranger is something completely different. However we are getting along rather well.

I find he is moving slowly to help me with all of the transitions and loss I am faced with. For this I am grateful. It can be overwhelming to think of it all at once.

He has begun by helping me with the loss of my dogs. I had to give them up for adoption due to my change in home status. I tried to locate an apartment that would accept pets to no avail.

My sense of loss and grief over losing my girls is at times unbearable. The pain I feel over giving them up paralyzes me with regret and guilt. Dogs love us with such unconditional abandon it is terribly painful to feel that I did them an injustice. My therapist has helped ease my feelings of guilt and delivered for me some much needed perspective. I worked to find a shelter that did not euthanize their pets and with the help of my sister both girls now have loving homes. I did right by them when my options were incredibly limited.

I hope those of you out there seeing a therapist have had success with your partnership. After all, it is a partnership that can help us to grow stronger and more aware of our conditions. With the guidance of our therapists we can begin to lead healthy, contented and more aware lives. We can act instead of react, plan instead of procrastinate, and live instead of merely survive.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Calmness

I'm not entirely sure why, but over the past few days I have felt exceptionally calm. I don't feel particularly depressed or down, my heart isn't aching abnormally, and I have been sleeping very well.

I'm striving to stay in the present and enjoy this new found feeling, because as experience has shown me it may not last. The old worries and unresolved grief may rise up and try and swallow me.

I have had a few anxious moments when a heaviness suddenly washes over me, but the spells haven't been prolonged. They typically come to me in the early morning hours, or in the evening as the hectic pace of the day gives way to down time.

The moments when I have time to sit and ponder are the problem times. When my mind is free to explore my current state is when trouble flows in. The flow can turn from a trickle to a flood in a heartbeat. As of late the downtimes have been overwhelmingly calm. No depression, self loathing and despair. These things have been absent from my days and nights.

I know I still have a great deal to contend with, but I'm pleased with this reprieve. Depression and this illness have taken a great deal from me that I have yet to fully explore and deal with. Truly I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of my pain, loss and grief.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Sleep Hygiene

When I was in hospital I learned about the benefits of good sleep hygiene. This is just a fancy way to talk about the presleep rituals that can lead to a beneficial nights rest. It really can provide you with a super string of good night sleeps.

Our bodies become used to the rituals we set them through each day. We become used to waking at certain hours and our bodies crave sleep at certain times based on the schedules we keep. Our bodies will also prepare for sleep better if the ritual is the same each night and morning.

I have recently had a great string of some wonderful nights of uninterrupted sleep. For people with depression sleep can be very fleeting. This lack of sleep can really cause a spiral and downward turn for the worse. Poor sleeping patterns can also exacerbate a person's symptoms suffering with Bipolar. Good sleep can mean the difference between a healthy life and hospitalization.

I have developed my own sleep hygiene rituals and this has helped me maintain a healthy sleeping pattern. I take my medication at the same time each evening. I meditate for twenty minutes prior to sleep each night as well. The meditation at night helps tell my mind that I am readying for sleep. Setting my sleep at the same time each night also helps my body clock. My body and mind have learned that these rituals indicate sleep.

For me there is no better relief from the symptoms of depression other than a good nights rest. I wake refreshed and ready for the challenges of the day. Each night of good sleep is like topping of my fuel tank before a long journey. It helps to fuel me through the following day.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

The Dignified Posture

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes at considerable length and diversity about the preferred posture while meditating. He states, "So, when we take our seat in meditation and remind ourselves to sit with dignity, we are coming back to our original worthiness."

Taking the time to create a space for meditation and also the correct posture to meditate with does indeed make a difference. If I sit relaxed I radiate low energy and passivity. If I sit tensely, well I'm just trying to direct to much, try to hard.

Jon Kabat Zinn uses the word dignity. "Everybody seems to instantly know that inner feeling of dignity and how to embody it." It can be hard, as I fight with depression, to feel dignified. To use the word dignity also takes into account that a person feels somehow worthwhile. Being ill has torn my self esteem and worthiness a great big hole. I fight feelings of worthlessness constantly.

When I am able to embody dignity I find that I sit with strong intentionality. My body in essence is making my mind ready for being open and ready. My meditation time is much more complete and fulfilling when I can begin with the correct posture. The mind does follow the body.

Being Present

Being present is one of the hardest things for me with depression. My mind races over everything I have done to place me in a miserable state; isolation, irritability and depressive apathy. It can be a real burden.

So, once again on Thursday, I hit the links with my friends. Two hours of concentrating on the present. Golf forces me into the here and now. I focus on my feet and where they are placed. I concentrate on keeping the club face adjacent to the ball. My hands occupy me with how they intertwine. The ball needs to know where I want it to go now; not the last hole or the next, rather the now hole!

Golf and the course also causes me to tune into my friends, how they are feeling and doing. We talk about things we just can't during our work day. The calmness of the course and the surroundings brings about connections. The social element is also very satisfying; the laughter, support and friendships are priceless.

Who could have guessed that the little game of golf could effect so much change. I feel the time together with my friends, the focus of the game and the beauty of the surroundings is doing wonders for me. Each week I count the days until Thursday at 5:00. Fore!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Brighter Days

A good nights sleep, again. Meditation that felt refreshing and hopeful. A bright sunny summer day. Things are feeling brighter, even for just a day I will accept it with open heartfelt arms!

I also am feeling better about the possibility of having bipolar disorder. The more I read about mixed state the more I recognize the symptoms as my own. If it will mean a relief to my struggles than I will also accept it with open heartfelt arms.

The daily self loathing, depression, irritability and anxious energy are all key indicators for mixed state diagnosis. If the medicines will be better able to target my symptoms than I am ready.

Until then, I will enjoy feeling up, enjoy feeling the sun and continue to hope for brighter and better days.

Awareness

I recently posted about my meditation practice going poorly. I found I was trying to manage and manipulate my meditation time. Instead of observing and concentrating on my breath I was trying to do.

In my reading over the 4th I discovered a great passage that I feel will be exceptionally helpful. Jon Kabat-Zinn writes about awareness, "Awareness is more like a vessel which can hold and contain our thinking, helping us to see and know our thoughts as thoughts rather than getting caught up in them as reality.".

This is a solid prime directive. Awareness isn't thought, rather it is the supreme state of being present. Present to our thoughts in a relationship that doesn't judge, manipulate or act. We move beyond thinking and become one in a state of complete wakefulness.

The idea of meditation for me is to become more of an observer of my thoughts and being so that I will hopefully gain perspective. I want my thoughts to be of service to me instead of me servicing my thoughts. Instead of depression, anxiety and grief derailing me I hope to gain a sense of inner calmness when those storms approach. By practice, learning and understanding I hope to reach that calm place along the pathway to sit and observe, sit and learn, and finally sit and understand my relationship to my thoughts.

Fireworks

Normally weekends are dreadful due to the down time and lack of diversions. Too much time to think for someone with depression can be a grueling experience. Not this weekend!

I struggled to come to terms with decorating and setting up my new apartment. I dragged my way through picking out some curtains and thought that hanging them would be a rotten chore. I was wrong.

Once I was home and began setting the rods up I fell into a nice little rhythm. I determined on my ride home to think positive and embrace change. I found that I was enjoying myself.

Curtains are now hung, bathrooms are now all set and my kitchen is taking shape. My little space is beginning to feel like a home. I even have a little corner for an office. Now I need to arrange cable TV and internet service and I will be set.

My friend also encouraged me to come to a cookout on Sunday. It was a great outing to meet some new people and hangout with some friends. I fought the urge to hunker down and hide out. I broke out of my depression routine of lying low and it felt good.

I even found that the downtime wasn't overcome with deep dark moments of depression ridden anxiety. I struggled some at night and in the mornings, but overall it was manageable and unobtrusive. I know in large part it has been due to sleep. My sleep has been very good, deep and restful. That makes so much of a difference with my symptoms of depression.

So, instead of a weekend of angst and depression I have managed it well with positive thinking, sleep and a little bit of luck. I am hopeful to be able to string a few more good days together and to keep my sleep deep and healthy.

Happy 4th of July!!

Take Care Of Yourselves!

July 3rd

Sluice by Matt June 2011

The path. The path to a healthy life. The path is my current journey towards recovery. My meditation regiment has derailed slightly from the path, I think because I began trying to force a direction.

Instead of simply following the path, I have begun trying to cleave my way through a forest of depression. I went off my path a few weeks ago and just realized it this morning. I have ventured away from my goal of seeking to develop a safe refuge.

Simply put, I am now constructing my meditations instead of observing a flow of images and thoughts. I no longer am content to sit beside my thoughts and imagery, focused on my breathing. I have become a dam builder.

My new goal for my meditations will be to return to my initial images, practices and mindset. I will sit and observe my thoughts without trying to control, impede or manipulate. I will return to the focus upon my breathing.

Instead of having my meditation time be the refuge I was seeking, I began declaring war on depression. I began constructing ways to keep depression away and I lost the pure intentions of my practice. My initial goal was really to create a port of solace, a place of relaxing beauty to help recharge. To be completely honest I am now expending too much energy for it to be relaxing or restful.

Back to the path!

Making A Home

During the course of struggling with depression and trying to come to terms with what was happening to me I lost my home. My relationship broke down due to my disconnectedness and irritability and she asked for me to leave. I simply burned my partner out.

So, I am trying to put some semblance of a life back together again. I can tell you it is exhausting. I typically enjoy all facets of home life, decorating, cleaning and cooking. But this time around I despise every second of it.

I believe it is due in large part to the grief over losing my partner. I'm not built for being a bachelor. I don't enjoy the alone time and the emptiness. I'm not enjoying having to sort out an apartment at all. Having to pick out curtains, bathroom accessories and other miscellaneous items is really an inconvenient chore right now.

Today I picked out curtains. A simple task that felt monumental and draining. The only thing worse than the act of picking them out is that I'll need to hang them when I get home. Home, a short time in my new apartment and it is beginning to feel like home. Well, I'm not sure if it feels like home, but it is certainly beginning to feel like my space, my place.

Depression has that joy sucking quality about it. I apologize for my whiny mood, but this condition is really getting old and tiresome. I hope for a shift soon with the possible new diagnosis and treatment for Mixed State Bipolar Disorder. Maybe I will begin to feel like my old optimistic self again soon.

Take Care Of Yourselves!

Camaraderie

As anyone who suffers from depression will know, there is a consistent inner struggle to desire social connections while being drawn towards isolation. I fight that battle on a daily basis.

When I'm healthy I'm a very social person, desiring contact and involvement at a frequent and deep level. That is most likely why I enjoy being a salesman so much. At those healthy moments I'm clearly in my element. The relationship building process of a sale is very rewarding and a great deal of fun.

So, as a major component of my recovery from depression I have begun to schedule in social time. Thursday nights are a prime focus of my week. Each Thursday, my friends and I gather for a game of golf. The camaraderie we share fills me up and helps me grow stronger.

The one thing that this camaraderie is showing me is that we are all walking wounded. Each of us, even the seemingly healthy ones, have crosses to bear and struggles to overcome. We all desire contact and intimacy, while struggling with feelings of low self esteem. I never understood how prevalent self doubt has become in our culture.

This camaraderie is vital for me, and it really seems so for my friends as well. It is a great time to lighten up, laugh and reconnect. These moments help me feel less alone, less anxious and less depressed. The time with my friends has lasting effects typically well through the weekend.

Camaraderie is exceptionally beneficial!