Making A Home

During the course of struggling with depression and trying to come to terms with what was happening to me I lost my home. My relationship broke down due to my disconnectedness and irritability and she asked for me to leave. I simply burned my partner out.

So, I am trying to put some semblance of a life back together again. I can tell you it is exhausting. I typically enjoy all facets of home life, decorating, cleaning and cooking. But this time around I despise every second of it.

I believe it is due in large part to the grief over losing my partner. I'm not built for being a bachelor. I don't enjoy the alone time and the emptiness. I'm not enjoying having to sort out an apartment at all. Having to pick out curtains, bathroom accessories and other miscellaneous items is really an inconvenient chore right now.

Today I picked out curtains. A simple task that felt monumental and draining. The only thing worse than the act of picking them out is that I'll need to hang them when I get home. Home, a short time in my new apartment and it is beginning to feel like home. Well, I'm not sure if it feels like home, but it is certainly beginning to feel like my space, my place.

Depression has that joy sucking quality about it. I apologize for my whiny mood, but this condition is really getting old and tiresome. I hope for a shift soon with the possible new diagnosis and treatment for Mixed State Bipolar Disorder. Maybe I will begin to feel like my old optimistic self again soon.

Take Care Of Yourselves!