It is so difficult to understand why these moods just spring up from time to time. There is really nothing progressive about my recovery from this condition.
My fluctuating moods don't make a great deal of sense. Changes to medication have been minimal. My sleep has still been pretty good. No drastic changes to diet either. Even my social life has been fairly consistent with no downturns or major shake ups. However, I have been missing my partner a great deal.
It is hard missing someone so badly, but the feelings of greif associated with the loss are welcomed. Depression, as I have written before, is so damn numbing. The depressed state numbs all feeling and stifles every emotional outlet to the point of feeling dead inside. Greif, on the other hand, makes me feel like I am alive. Greif is tangible and it makes sense. I have had a loss and my sadness is due to that loss. This I can understand.
I can't understand the mind numbing greif, the paralyzed emotions, the stifled voice that fights to be heard. In short I just can't understand depression and its cruel cycle. It's a cycle that makes no sense and can be so crippling and emotionally paralyzing.
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