I believe it is time to address the possibility head on that my condition is not depression alone. Mixed State Bipolar may well be the issue plaguing me. It feels as if my antidepressant has withered in it's effectiveness.
I feel like going to sleep earlier and rising later. It is growing hard to get out of my own miserable way. My confidence is tested, my irritability is increasing and my energy level is flat and lethargic.
Thoughts of escape and suicide visit me more often during the day. My dark mood persists for longer periods of the day, especially as I head off to bed and rise in the morning. I just can't seem to find relief.
Even my social interactions feel fake, forced and require a great deal of energy. I feel like I'm going through the motions in a joyless vacuum. My head, heart and body feel heavy and sad throughout the day.
I don't want to be rehospitalized, but if that is going to be the answer to getting me on a stable progressive track then I'm all for it. I know at the least it may require a significant change in my medication. I feel like I'm a yoyo, up one day and then down the next. I need to feel stable and more in control of my desperate mood and state of mind.
Matt, I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. Though I am not bi-polar I understand that it is much harder to treat than depression but try to remember that it can be treated. Please don't give up hope that you can get better.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind words of support. I'm not giving up, just growing weary. My understanding is the mixed state bipolar can be a real bear to grab a handle of. It sure feels miserable.
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